


Lost and found

by Willow_roman



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Not Beta Read, On Hiatus, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship, Slow Build, Sorry for any plot holes, i just love Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 54,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25960825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow_roman/pseuds/Willow_roman
Summary: While on a holiday, Remus is taken from his parents. Kidnapped and trapped in a strangers house, he has not hope of getting out.With a failed month search, private investigators take on the challenge of finding the boy.Ending up staying at the investigators home, Remus is finding recovery difficult. But with the help of his new found friends will he pull through?UPDATE- im going to edit and probably rewrite this as i did start it on a whim with no plan so its going to be a while before i actually finish this story
Relationships: Euphemia Potter/Fleamont Potter, Fenrir Greyback/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1 - beginning of the sickening truth

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mentions of kidnapping and child abuse
> 
> Set when they are in starting year 10, around 14/15 years old.

**September 7th**

Sirius waited at a sticky lunch table with his miserable sausage and mash soaked in watery gravy. First day back in school and it's already shit. Head rested on the palm of his right hand. Shoulder length black hair covering his face, his grey eyes filled against the yellow lights shining down. 

"Hey Sirius!" James called setting his own lunch in front of him, his black hair all disheveled and like a bird's nest. Lily also sat down next to James, a sandwich in hand, pushing her waist length red hair behind her shoulders. Out the way from the gap between the table.

"How are you so cheerful?"

"Um not too sure. It's just such a wonderful day."

"It is?"

"Er yes."

Sirius rolled his eyes and began to eat. Always confused at how James was so awake and smiling. He and Lily recently got together, maybe that's it? Peter, a short plump boy with a giddy smile then sat next to Sirius.

"Hey guys." He said, the same cheerfulness as James.

"Not you too!" Sirius groaned.

"What?" Peter questioned, shoving a cheese sandwich in his mouth.

"You sound so happy. Why?"

"Oh um I don't know. Well maybe because Mary talked to me today. She's so nice!" 

"Ugh."

"Just because you have no love life, doesn't mean you have to be disgusted by ours!" James explamed.

Sirius just rolled his eyes again and drowning out from the conversation that began around him.

"Oh guys you know that kidnapping of that boy last summer?" James said bringing Sirius back into the conversation.

"What about him?" Peter asked, already finished his lunch.

"My parents are now in the case!" 

All three eyes widened with curiosity. They all remembered the breaking news program of the Lupin family that were on a holiday when a man came and stabbed Hope and Lyall, taking Remus with him. No one's saw either since that incident. It's been a month and the police have gotten far but not far enough. Giving the case to a private investigator team. Them being James's parents, Fleamont and Euphemia Potter.

"Really?" Sirius inquisitived

"Yeah, heard them talking about it yesterday. Pretty cool uh?"

"I guess." 

Sirius had been watching and reading the news since it came to light about the awful murders of the lupins boys parents. He's been so interested in it during the summer, he'd forgotten to be excited about staying with James. Sirius didn't think it was cool that they haven't found the boy yet. He didn't think it was cool that James seems excited about his parents on a case that kept him up at night. Whatever is happening to that boy is anything but cool. Whether it's still going on is another thing. Sirius doesn't want to think about the possibilities of torture that lupin is enduring.

Maybe Fleamont and Euphemia will find him.

They have to.

* * *

"You excited to be finally out of that house?" James asked as he and Sirius took their shoes and coats off.

"Yeah obviously, how couldn't I be. Leaving a house that I got abused in to be able to stay in a lovely home with my best friend, that's a dream come true." Sirius beamed.

Over years he's been treated like a piece of shit. His mother would beat him and shout words no child would like to hear. She would make his life a misery. Walburga hated her oldest son and finding out he was gay just pushed her infuriation to the edge. Chucking him out in an instant. He wasn't even Sirius's fault that he was outed. Some boys at school started a joke about it, once his mother heard the rumours she cornered Sirius. He caved in and told her it was true. And then that's when her range hit the bell. Out he went with nothing but what he could salvage. The rest of his belongings he couldn't fit in bags and boxes were burned.

Sirius's mother was the worse. His father tried to reason with Walburga to not hurt his son, but he was scared of her and does what she says. Orion just left Sirius to himself, rarely talking to eachother. Never batting an eye. When the time did come for Sirius being kicked out, Orion helped his son out. Giving him some money and by some a load of cash. Enough for Sirius to live for a couple of years comfortably. He has used barely any since leaving. 

Then there is Sirius's younger brother. Regulus adirmed Sirius. Always talking and hanging out with him. Both loved eachother dearly. They are still in touch and text regularly. Even though they go to the same school, they never talk in person. Sirius doesn't want to put Regulus in any harms. Especially with Walburga. Knowing what she can do, he never wants this for his brother. He took the hits for years and couldn't bare it. Regulus probably wouldn't last a week. He's not as strong but can be sneaky. Whether Sirius trusts his brother to stay safe at home, he's unsure, so just stays out his way.

"Are your parents going to be out alot?" Sirius's asked jumping onto the couch turning on the TV.

"What?" James asks back.

"They are in the case right?"

"Oh yeah they should be, working at the office and where ever they might go. But they are your parents too you know? Not just mine. Your part of the family now."

Sirius looks at James sceptically.

"I'm being serious! You are now my unofficial brother. I know you still talk to Reg but I've always wanted a brother. Youre the closes I've got. And Peter too!"

"Thanks I guess."

* * *

"Boys! We are home! We've brought Chinese takeaway for dinner!" Euphemia Potter shouted as she and her husband walked through the door. 

It's been a long day, stating the case that morning, the have been receiving and reviewing important information about the case. The hope to be able to start the physical work in the next coming days. Being a private investigator team, they don't need to talk to the higher police authorities to be able to investigate whenever they need to.

"Thanks mum!" James shouted back as he and Sirius ran to the dinning room, ready and waiting for the food.

"Hungry are you?" She chuckled.

"Yeah!" All three boys reply. 

"Um mum?"

"Yes dear."

"How was the case today?" James asked cautiously. Full well on knowing that he isn't allowed to ask questions about their work, yet still tries to get some information about it.

"It's busy and complicated. Now no more questions. You know the rules. Eat up and enjoy!"

"Can I ask something?" Sirius speaks up.

"Of course. May or may not answer it but go ahead." Fleamont replies this time.

"Do you think the lupin boy is alive?"

The table goes quiet quickly. James's fork stopped in the air, Fleamont's eyes jumping around and Euphemia talking a sip of water trying to hold in a cough.

"We hope. We aren't certain whether he is or not. But we pray that he is." Fleamont answers.

No more questions were asked but questions were jumping around both James's and Sirius's head.


	2. Chapter 2 - basements are no place for a child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Remus's POV, a couple of weeks after the start of school. End of September. 
> 
> Greyback comes home drunk, Remus is then fallen victim of his hits. He then tries to fight of Greyback, leading the man to show him who's boss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of rape and violence towards a child

**Remus POV**

My hands ache as they sit uncomfortably in rusty handcuffs chained to be above my head. A peice of fabric which I presume is from a handkerchief, tightly wrapped around my mouth. Gagging me if I tried to speak.

I think I'm in a basement, one that hasn't been cleaned in years. Tables and chairs folded up to one side of the concrete walls, boxes that hold who's knows what stacked high reaching to the low ceiling and four old springy mattresses, yellowing slightly in the corners.

I don't know how long I've been down here and wish someone could just come and save me. I don't know why he wants me. Why he does what he does is beyond my understanding.

Greyback or master what he likes to be called is a bulk of a man. Broad shoulders and big boned. Around 6'5, small enough to stand comfatably in the basement but tall enough to be able to tower over me. Rough hands and hairy arms. A slight beard that itches and amber eyes. Eyes that turn red in anger and infuriation. Dressed like he's constantly running in mud, baggy jeans and a plaid shirt.

He's clothed me in too large and grubby overalls. I don't know why, he likes me better when I'm naked. Ripping the overalls off when ever he has the chance. It used to be every living moment when he first took me. Then he stopped doing it as frequently. I'm glad about that. It could be the calm before the storm though. I'm not too sure. I have no idea what he has planned for me.

Sometimes I wished he killed me like my parents. I saw what he did. I know how he did it. Why he kept me? I don't know. However, sometimes I like being kept alive. There's always that lingering hope of being found or the lingering terror of being killed. Which one I prefer, I haven't figured that out either.

I begin to shake and sink deeper into the mattress beneath me. The unknown certainty of what is to become rings in my ears. 

I hear the locks opening. Click.

The smell of alcohol wafts down. He's worse when he's drunk.

I hear his heavy-footed footsteps coming down the wooden stairs. Thump.

A devilish grin painted on his face. Greyback stood by the base of the steps, hands on hips, a glint of happiness in his eyes. 

I can guess I'll be let of lightly. Maybe.

"Hello little Lupin."

I nod towards him. He never likes to be ignored. It's hurts more when I do. I've learnt that now.

"The idiotic police have stopped their search for your useless life. You'll be with me now until you kneel over, rot and die. Isn't that lovely?"

My eyes widen.

Fucking hell! How useless are the police? How incompitant are they that they can't find a child? How thick skulled are they that they can't find this wolf man? I want out! I want to be free! 

Why do I have to stay with him? I don't want this! No one deserves this! Please help.

"We are going to have some fun tonight! Nearly a month of us being together. You fucked up boy!"

"STOP WHIMPERING AND CALM DOWN!" Greyback shouts. A ruff but not slurred speech. 

I shudder further. I don't want this to happen. It's been a month? I should be at my new school, I should be making new friends, I should be having fun with my parents! But I'm tied here. It's his fault! Greyback needs to pay for what he did! I fucking hate him. It's hurts too much. Please someone help me. He needs to pay for what he does. I won't let him get away.

"Now, you are going to listen to me. Let me pleasure you, let me do what I want and you'll be happier. Be nice and I'll play nice. You understand boy?"

I nod again.

Greyback walks slowly towards me. Reaching his hands out and talking of my gag. He rarely does this. Usually to feed me. Finally. I'm starving. 

"What do you say Lupin?"

"T-thank y-you." My voice croaks and stutters. It's like I forgotten how to talk. He never lets me talk unless he is in a good mood.

I'm getting of lucky. I believe.

Greyback then unlocks the handcuffs. He's never done that. What is he up too?

"Take of your own clothes." 

I look up. He's acting different. He smells drunk but isn't. He's acting nice, maybe he will play nice. 

I slide out of the overalls. I'm naked underneath. Scars and bruises scatter my skinny body.

His hands then push my shoulders back onto the mattress. I'm now laying flat on my back. It's not as soft as I expect. It feels as if he placed rocks inside.

His head by my ear, knees pushing my thighs outwards, hands beside my head. My arms above my head. 

"This is not new Lupin. Just breathe and take the hits." He whispers which send shivers down my spine. I don't like how my body reacts to his actions. I've suspected before this all went down that I liked boys but never put much thought into finding out. I assumed then it was a faze. Not so much now.

"Like that little boy. I can tell. Getting excited already huh?"

My breathing hitches as one of his knees rubs against my slightly hard dick. I would say I'm used to it, I wouldn't say I like it. But my body tells me differently.

Without warning he moves his hand down and grabs my dick tightly. Not holding it in a way that would pleasure me. It hurts.

I haven't done anything wrong. Why is he doing this?

I hold in moans as his hand relax and then starts to jerk me off. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of him knowing I feel pleasure from this. He doesn't like that but I don't like being touched. You can't get everything you want.

Greyback then leans back kneeling between my legs. Hand still moving up and down on my now fully hard dick. 

My eyes flutter close and I turn my head to the side. 

I hear his zipper opening. Please no! I hate this. I fucking hate this. Stop! 

I start to kick my legs. I don't want him to do this to me. It's uncomfortable and I always respond with pleasure. It's harder to hold it in when he does this.

"STOP KICKING!"

I whimper more as he slaps my thighs. Repeating the hits till my legs are red and stinging.

"Don't push it lovely boy." 

I don't stop moving around. With my eyes still closed, I'm trying to get away. Trying to stall what he's about to do. I don't want it and he's not getting it. Not this time. Not ever.

"FUCKING PRICK! STOP MOVING AROUND!"

Greyback ruffly picks me up and throws me down on the concrete floor. Kicking my side as I thump down.

My head throbbs and I feel a trickle of blood down my face. My knees and my hands scraped up.

"DON'T! DISOBEY! ME! YOU USELESS PEICE OF SHIT!"

More blows to my side and back before I hear him huff and give up. Storming up the stairs. 

Ringing in my ears. I try to stand up. I manage to shuffle back towards the mattress. Putting back on my overalls. I lean against the wall and use it to help me walk around the basement. I'm trying to reach the steps. I never heard the locks closing. I did hear what I think is the front door, slamming shut and a car engine. 

Greybacks stupid for not handcuffing me back up. 

A spontaneous burst of energy runs through me as I climb the step. I can't believe this is my chance to escape. This could be just a dream. I could be knocked out. But I'll take a dream chance over never being able to leave.


	3. Chapter 3 - sneaky eves-dropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius can't keep his nose out of others conversations. Especially when it's a conversation about the missing kid.

**September 27th**

  
Why do weekends go so quick but getting there take forever? 

Neither Sirius or James know that answer to that.

Stuck in a maths lesson, droning out the dull monotone words from Mr Binns, watching droplets of water race eachother down the window. 

"Hey Sirius." James whispered and nudged his friend, trying to get his attention.

"What?"

"Do you know what we are doing?"

"Not a clue."

"Oh well me neither."

James then went back to staring at the worksheet that was handed out, hoping that it would magically fill itself in. 

Sirius however didn't even notice the work set, instead let his head fall onto the cold desk. Annoyed at the slowness of the last day of the week, he sighed and closed his eyes, wishing the day away.

Whoever answered wishes and prayers didn't notice Sirius's pleading for the day to go by in a flash. They seemed to play a joke with him, stretching the events out so the dragged and lagged behind. Like a heavy weight you aren't strong enough to lift yet. 

Finally the bell signalling the end of the day rang and screamed in the students ears. Leaving the sound stuck circulating their heads but Sirius and James didn't care. They were to excited to be going home. Waving Peter off, as he goes on the bus, they impatiently waited for Lily to come by. James had invited her back to his for the evening, very much to Sirius's dismay. Not that he has anything against said girl, he just really wants to leave the grasp of school as well as catch up on the oh so important news.

"Hey James. Sorry I took so long. You know how Slughorn is with keeping classes back. Come on! We gotta get going!" Lily smiled and hooked her arm around James's letting him lead her home. Sirius already a couple of metres in front. 

Honestly that boy has no patients. It's not like he doesn't enjoy school, most classes he takes, he enjoys. Just the neediness of the news biting and nipping at the back of his neck. Why he's so invested in the investigation he isn't allowed to listen in on, is beyond anyone watching his jumpiness. 

Walking home usually takes around 20 minutes for the boys, but it seemed like no time at all as Sirius recounted all the information of the Lupin family he has discovered. 

The Lupin adults owned a couple of art museums around Europe. Collecting and selling priceless works of art. Even though it seemed they had a lot of money to live comfortably on, they lived as a normal family. Growing up their child in the valleys of Wales, sending him to normal schools and not engaging in the world of social media. There wasn't much to find out. The lupins seemed like a relatively normal family, living a normal life. Well used to be normal. Before they were brutely murdered on a holiday in Cornwall and being kidnapped, not seen for months. 

Before he knew it, Sirius was taking off his shoes and pouring him, James and Lily glasses of squash. 

"Why were you so anxious to come home Sirius?" Lily asked, remembering seeing how jittery the slightly taller boy was being during the day. Like a puppy going to a new family. 

"Don't you remember? He's obsessed with the new case our parents are on." James smirked before taking a big gulp of the drink. Lily nodded, hearing the two refer to James's parents as both of theirs isn't a new thing. She finds it sweet and wouldn't dare say anything against it.

"Oh right. How's it going anyway?"

"I donno. Mum won't tell us anything. Dad looks keen to but is scared of mum. You should have seen her face when he nearly said something!"

Lily and James laughed at this. Euphemia Potter seems all sweet and cuddle, which to be fair she totally is one of the best mother's out their, but get on her bad side she whips out her iron fist and stone glare. No one wants to see that. 

"Come on let's go to my room, better then standing in the kitchen all night." James said before putting his and Lilys glasses in the dishwasher and heading up stairs. Sirius following silently behind.

* * *

"I'm going to get some snacks, you want anything Evans?" Sirius said interrupting the Mario kart race he was losing badly. 

"Some crisps would be nice, thanks Black." Lily said smiling. 

"James anything?" 

"Shut up, anything! I'm winning! Fuck no! Lily! Why?" James dramatically flopped on his face before being beaten. 

Sirius just rolled his eyes before leaving to go downstairs.

"Crisps and chocolate, crisps and chocolate, crisps and chocolate." Sirius sang a little while opening cupboards and pouring food into bowls. Nodding his head in satisfaction he began carrying the bowls walking past his parents office.

"So he was last sighted with a man around this town, near the start of the police searches?" What sounded like Fleamont asked.

"Yes, I think so and if I'm correct in speaking. Living or most likely trapped in the run down part. Maybe about 20 minutes away, if that. It's only on the other side of town." Euphemia replied with a hint of excitement.

"Why is it only now we are finding this evidence? It's like fate that's they are this close! We could really catch this guy and hopefully rescue the boy. Oh Euphemia, this is such a big break through!"

"I don't know why we didn't check these footages before! I was so stupid! The police had apparently searched and looked through these but came no ovail. But here we are! Goodness, I just want to go now and get him!"

"Stupid police really but we have to wait. We can't just jump in today. Well contact a team. Then we can find him. Both of them."

Sirius's mouth hung open. He couldn't believe what he just heard! They think the boy is near here! Sirius's thoughts ran around and jumped high on excitement, nervousness and worry. He has to go looking. There's woods by the run down part of town, he thought. Maybe he could trick James and possibly Lily in going with him tomorrow. The boy has been on Sirius's mind for long enough now, this is a perfect chance to be involved in the investigation.

"SIRIUS! HURRY UP WITH THE SNACKS! JAMES NEEDS COMFORT FOOD! SUCH A SORE LOOSER!" Lily's voice ricochetes of the walls.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Sirius ran upstairs, careful not to spill any food. James wouldn't be happy if he did.


	4. Chapter 4 - not a dream after all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily happily and unknowingly to why he really want to go to the woods, came along with Sirius to have a picnic of some sorts.

**Remus pov**

I guess it really wasn't a dream. 

I actually just wandered out the house.

The doors were all just unlocked

My eyes were hazy and my head throbbed while I was walking around the place I've been for I assume is a month. Maybe more. I don't know.

The house itself looked run down and just as dirty as the basement. Clutter was everywhere. Dust in every nook and cranny. The smell of blood and sweat lingering around too. 

Whatever Greyback has been up too, I don't think it's legal. Of course it isn't legal, he kidnapped a child! But other things. Maybe gang related? Again I don't know.

I think I'm in a wood of some sort. There's trees everywhere and leaves scattered on the beaten down grass, birds tweeting and rabbits scurrying away.

My overalls don't do much for the cold winds blowing my way. The clouds look close to pouring down. I'll just keep wandering untill I find someone or a town. 

I can't believe I'm away.

I can't believe I can walk.

My legs ache and are stiff. I keep stumbling drunk. 

Maybe I shouldn't be walking. I should sit. Rest for a bit. 

It's too cold. I thought it was summer. Usually it is quite warm in England. Could I be in a another country? I doubt it. 

I can't stay upright any longer.

My head hurts.

My legs hurt.

Everything hurts.

He's going to find me. He's going to come get me. He'll hate me now. He said he loved me. Why do I have to be such an idiot? I should have just done what he told me to do. This is my punishment. Being lost.

At least the ground feels comfy.

**Back to 3rd person**

"It's actually pretty nice out here." Lily said while circling the clearing.

"Yeah, what food did you bring? I'm starving." James replied rummaging through lilies backpack.

"You're always hungry!"

Sirius didn't feel hungry. Sirius didn't know what he was feeling. Like he can sense something is going to happen. He is on edge. Even more jittery then he has been for the entire month of investigation. Something is going to happen. It's in his gut. A deep overwhelming lump that is pulling him towards the bushes that are beneath the slight incline behind the love birds. The shadows are hiding something. Whatever it is, Sirius has a bad feeling about it. 

"Snap out of it Sirius! What you staring at?" James shouted, turning to look in the direction Sirius is lost in.

"I don't know. Must be-" 

Thump, snap, groan.

"What the?" Lily asked also turning to look behind.

Sirius carefully started to walk towards the bushes. This is the bad thing his gut was telling him about. Stepping ever so gently on the broken sticks and leaves, he reaches the bushes silently.

"Sirius be careful!" Lily whispered shouted, clutching into James's arm.

"Is alright Lil's Sirius will be fine." James rubbed Lily's back gently, watching Sirius.

Peeking behind the bushes, Sirius stopped in his tracks. His face went ghostly white. Looking over his shoulder, eyes wide.

"What is it?" James asked now a bit more frightened then he was.

"Get help."

"What?"

"It's the boy. Get help. Now!"

A realisation clicked in both James and Lilys head. Scrambling to get their phones, tapping in 999 on the emergency pad. Lily managed it first. 

Sirius stepped even closer to the boy. He was laying on his side. Skinny and unkept. Sirius reached a hand out. The boys eyes snapped open. Hazel eyes that are searching Sirius. Jumping unexpectedly onto Sirius and latching on to him. Hands gripped tight and eyes squeezed closed. Shaking against Sirius.

Sirius managed to hold onto the boy, before having to sit down. It wasn't that the boy was heavy, actually very light, it was just the shock of it all. The Lupin boy he had been so invested in searching for is in his arms, trembling like a perified animal.

"Hey buddy, it's ok. I've got you. You are going to be alright." Sirius whispered, slowly rubbing the boys boney back.

"Sirius? Oh my goodness. He's so. Wow. Er Lily is talking to the police now. Um they've sent out an ambulance and police car." James said while staring at the boy.

"Ok. How are they gonna get in here?"

"Er one sec."

James then went to talk to Lily, who was anxiously clutching onto her phone and franticly moving her eyes between the 3 boys.

"She said that the police said if he's not badly injured then you can go to the main road but if not to stay here and wait. Do you think you could carry him?"

"I think so yeah. He's not heavy at all. Just skin and bone."

Remus trembled and shook, gripped Sirius's top tighter and pushed his head into the nook of Sirius's neck. 

The three of them walked in silence to where the main road was, a police car already waiting for them. 

"Hello, I'm officer Petey. The paramedics won't be long." Officer Petey said in a bit too cheerful tone considering the situation. A tall lanky man, with an already receding hair line, wearing a perfectly ironed uniform. Now turning to look at Sirius, "you can sit in the car, it's warm in there. I'm sure he is cold."

Sirius looked at his friends who just nodded. He got into the car, Remus still on his lap. The officer was right, the car is warm. Remus's tense positure relaxed in feeling both heat radiating from the car and Sirius's body.

Sirius finally got another good look at the boy. Dusty blond hair, matted and notty. Scars and bruises peeping out from the ends of the thinning overalls. Lips chapped and head covered in dried blood. Skinny and long hands and feet, caked in mud. 

Remus opened his eyes again, less scared looking and just stared fondly at Sirius. He stopped shacking and opened and closed his mouth, it was like he was going to say something but thought better of it.

Sirius wondered why the boy was so content in being latched onto him. He thought the boy would have been scared and not trusting of others. That was what he found out from looking online, researching what happens when people experience trauma. 

"You don't have to be scared to talk. Say what you want to say." Sirius whispered, making sure he didn't scare the boy. 

Remus thought before going back to resting his head in the nook of Sirius's neck.

The paramedics came and tried to get Remus of Sirius but the boy was adiment on staying close to him. So in the end Sirius and to sit on the medical bed, comforting Remus as the paramedics tried as much as they could, to do their job. 

More police and the investigation team arrived. Most following orders to go to the house suspected but others staying behind talking and asking questions from James and Lily. 

Eventually the ambulance drove away, with Sirius and Remus inside. James and Lily in the police car, following behind. 

No one was able to get a peep out of Remus, which was expected. 

No one was able to fathem how he got away.

It was all a mystery, slowly being chipped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably don't need to know this but I wrote parts of this while I was on a beach. Not the best idea I've ever had. It was very windy and to my surprise a body board flew into me. The child just laughed at me. What a great day I had! 
> 
> Other than that minor inconvenience, hope you enjoyed this update x


	5. Chapter 5 - hospitals white washed walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Remus finally pried off and not latched onto Sirius, the doctor's are finally able to look after him. James is also able to question Sirius about the supposed picnic idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a couple of days since I last updated. Sorry it's been a while. Couldn't think of how to write this one, but today I managed it. 
> 
> TW: mentions of kidnapping, rape and abuse. It just implies that it happened, doesn't say it exactly.
> 
> And panic attacks.

Remus layed motionless on the wrinkled white bed sheets. Wires that monitor his vitals snaking off him, beeping every so often. A cold clean smell stays well and truly put in the imergency care room. 

It took several doctors and nurses to be able to get Remus asleep and cooperative, he was very adiment in staying close to Sirius. Managing to create moon shaped rings in his arms from holding on so tight. 

After a couple of hours going in and out of different rooms and travelling across the hospital, Remus surprisingly wasn't too badly injured. No previous broken bones or internal problems. Only cuts and bruises, scars both physical and emotional left wounded deep inside the boy. They say he's lucky to be alive. 

The kidnapper in question, Fenrir Greyback, is known to kill ruthlessly and with no hesitation. A gang leader, a mad man, cruel and cold hearted. Now on the run, soon to be caught be authorities. Hopefully that is.

Sirius, James and Lily were left in a private waiting room. Police officers and many nurses have entered he room, asking questions and checking the shocked three up. Even James's parents managed to stop by, again asking questions but having to scarper off quickly due to the investigation coming to it's climax. 

Lily now half asleep on the uncomfortable blue cushioned chairs, James and Sirius in a rather awkward silence. Both brains ticking away. 

"Sirius?" James ask, turning to look at Sirius who was staring at the closed wooden door.

"Mmm." A natural response Sirius gave as he isn't actually paying any attention to anything but the door. Hoping another nurse, doctor or someone will come through and tell him if Remus is ok.

"Was this planned?" James asked, knowing fully well that Sirius isn't listening to him and knowing that this will grab his attention back.

"What?" And it does. A confused Sirius takes his eyes off the door to face James. His eyebrows furrowed together and his hands nervously rubbing together 

"I mean you've been on and on about this case since you first heard it on the radio. Then we go on a picnic in the woods to find the exact boy they were looking for. Did you want to find him?"

James didn't exactly know how to ask this question. He had a hunch that something was up but trusted Sirius to not be that stupid and go after a kidnapper. This was the best he could do at the time.

"Er well, you see I um heard something. From your parents. And I er, thought maybe this was my chance to be an investigator. I didn't think it would actually happen. But cliché if you ask me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into it."

Sirius looked down in guilt. He didn't want to admit to doing this on his own occurred. He knew it wasn't a good thing to do but when his mind is set on going through with something, it's pretty hard to stop him. All forces have to come together to hold Sirius back. And this just so happens to be one of the more dangerous impulsions he's tried to act upon.

"Sirius! Really? Could have talked to me you know! But if you really thought you could have found the boy and get past Greyback you are way out of your head! I mean that guy kills people left right and centre! What were you thinking?"James's motherhen nature spilling out in an instant. 

"I'm sorry ok! I just didn't think. I should have, I guess." Sirius keeps his eyes locked firmly on the sticky clean floor not wanting to look into the disappointing eyes that are staring down at him. He never likes to upset James, or make him angry. The thought of that happening makes Sirius want to curl up in a ball and cry. 

"Yeah, look it's great and all that that boy is, well I wouldn't say alright but he's safe I guess, not being kidnapped anymore. But you really thought you could have handled this on your own?"

"I'm sorry James."

"Just promise me you'll talk to me next time you want to go find a missing child. Or go out fighting criminals. Anything of the sort. Ok? No more not thinking before running into a killers hands. I guess it would be an adventure but it's a no for me."

"Ok. I promise."

* * *

**Remus POV, couple of days after**

I don't remember much. 

I haven't slept much. 

I can't do much.

I stare at the ceiling wishing that the warmth I held was still around me.

It's not that I'm cold. I just wish I was being held by those strong arms. I wish the warm comfortable heat was radiating through me. 

But I'm not and probably won't me any time soon. Instead I'm stuck, wired up and monitored. 

I don't like it here. 

I don't like the tall men that prance around, pacing up and own with clipboards. I can't help but feel scared of them and every time they come close enough to touch me. He come back. 

I'm not sure how he just appears. He manages it though. I rarely saw him without him doing anything. I don't want him doing it again. But if he comes back, he will do more. Won't he?

My eyes go to the door as a knock and a creak pull my attention towards it. A nurse dressed in white scrubs comes in backwards, pulling a wheeled tray of some sorts into the room. 

The women are nice. They don't scare me. The make me feel better. Not as good as the warmth from before but better than the men. I don't see him when they are around. I'm relieved by that. I don't think I'll last if I saw him with everyone that comes near me. 

"Hello Remus. I'm just delivering some food. Doctor Malcum said it's fine for you to eat. How are you feeling?" Nurse Jane, I think, speaks in a very soft and almost angelic sing sing voice. It reminds me of my mother. I never heard her raise her voice just like how nurse Jane speaks. I like her.

I nod and smile, watching as Nurse Jane pulls a table over my lap and puts soup and bread with a side of banana and custard as well as a jug of water. The steam rises up and the smell of tomatoes reached my nose.

I heard the doctor's saying I'm severely underweight. I have noticed my prominent ribs and spine. I tuck in on the soup as fast as my tired arms will let me, careful not to burn my tongue in the process. 

"Everything seems to be going well at the moment. Obviously we need to keep you here until you are stronger. But there's nothing to worry about. You are safe here. Now eat up, I'll be back in half an hour. You know to press the call button if you need me earlier. Bye for now Remus." Nurse Jane smiles sweetly before slowly leaving the room. 

Half an hour passed and Nurse Jane came back to take away the empty bowls and dirty spoons.

Another ten minutes of me spending my time peering out the rain stained window, two rather nicely dressed people came into my room. 

One man and one woman. 

"Hello. I'm Euphemia and this is my husband as well as partner Fleamont Potter. We are head of the private investigating team that were recently looking at your case. Now Remus, would you be capable of answering some questions." Euphemia asked kindly with a pitying smile. 

Questions? I haven't been asked any questions other than 'Are you ok and how are you feeling?'. I'm guessing it's about what's been happening. I haven't talked since I left Greyback. I don't want to. Or I can't. Haven't really tried. 

"We have brought you a notepad and pen to write down your answers if you don't want to talk." Fleamont says handing me the notepad and pen. I flinch and my heart rate picks up. I don't make eye contact, I just nod, holding back memories. 

The two officers exchange worry glances. I don't blame them. I would be worried too if I saw someone in the same state as I am now. 

Euphemia now sits in the squeaky chair beside me and Fleamont stands by the door. I'm glad he's further away. She does seem nice. Huggable. But I obviously don't.

"Now we won't ask many. For now we'll just stick to a few. But we will want to know more as the time comes."

I nod, telling her silently to go on.

"Do you remember anything that happened on the day Fenrir took you? If you can, write it down please. If not that's ok."

I stare blankly at the piece of paper. I remember everything that happened. How there was a knock at the door, how mum went to answer it before screaming, how dad ran towards the nose before falling to the floor himself. I remember how bloody everything looked. The porch was a mess. Then Greyback came towards me. Rope and bag in hand. He tied me up, took money and some other things to put in the bag. His men then picked me up and chucked me in the back of a van. I think they put me to sleep as I remember waking up with a headache attached to the chains in the basement. 

I write that down and pass the paper to Euphemia. She nods herself and takes a picture of it. 

I bite my lip and blink away tears. I haven't thought about that night, since it happened. Greyback took my mind of it with his hands. 

I wipe my now wet cheeks and look back down at my lap. 

"Thank you. Now how often did Fenrir do things to you? And that's anything he did. Ok and if you can write down what he did. It would be helpful but again if you can't that's fine. Take you time Remus"

I gulp and shakily write more words down. I'm surprised I haven't forgotten how to write. Haven't exactly had the time to do it.

Greyback did alot of things to me. Touch me in places I would rather keep to myself. Kick and hit me. Spit and bite. Sometimes even licking my face like a dog. At first it was everyday, every moment he had he chance. Then it slowly became less frequent but worse. I blacked out a lot after he did stuff to me. 

I can feel his rough hands on my body now. Stroking me gently before gripping tightly around my waist and thighs, on my neck and arse. 

He's here.

He's back.

Why is he back?

I can't breathe.

I'm shaking.

Please stop.

I've had enough.

I want to see mum and dad again. 

Why me?

Help, please.

Greyback is still on me. His breathe is warm and the reeks of alcohol. He's worse when drunk. 

Please just stop.

"Remus. Remus dear, it's ok. Breathe in and out. That's it, well done. Your safe darling. Your safe. There we go." Euphemia's voice is gentle. Calming and soothing. 

I look at her through my teary eyes. Did I say those words out loud? I'm not sure. She has a hand on one of mine. 

"I think that's enough for today. Thank you Remus. We will be back tomorrow. Goodbye for now, I think the nurses will be in to see you in a bit." Fleamont says, he's stepped forward. Closing the distance between us. He doesn't look like he's going to do anything. Maybe he is good? I just nod.

Euphemia strokes my hair before taking away the notepad and pen. Saying her own goodbyes the both of them leave. 

I'm on my own now. 

I hear them talking to someone by the door. 

All I want to do is sleep but whenever I try, he comes back. I'm tired and hungry. 

I just want the safety and warmth of the arms that found me. 

All I hope for. 


	6. Chapter 6 - a visit that will start something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius's wishes are granted with extreme caution. He's finally allowed to see Remus.

Sirius was sitting patiently on a leather couch. He was twirling a strand of hair around his fingers before Euphemia called him from the front porch. Quickly as Sirius could possibly go without falling flat on his face, he put his shoes and coat on, fast walking towards one of the many Potter's cars. 

Sirius, with shaky hands put his seatbelt on and waited for Euphemia to pull out of the long stoney drive. 

Alone in the car with his new mother figure wasn't as awkward as he thought it would be. The drive was silent but a comfortable silence that didn't plague Sirius's mind. Of course he has been alone with Euphemia and Fleamont. They have been better parents in the past month's of them being his guardians, than his biological parents ever were in the past 14 years of trying to raise him.

He was glad they took him in. Very happy to be out of the miserable noble house of Black. It was such a relief to Sirius, he didn't believe it and had to keep pinching himself.

The only downside with leaving the residensy of the Blacks was the rule that was put in place by his old Mother. Him and Regulus couldn't talk to eachother, or do anything for that matter. But this didn't stop them of course. Texting and calling whenever possible. Catching up on events in each others lives and just general brotherly love.

Snapping Sirius out of his thoughts, Euphemia started to talk. 

"Now Sirius, I need you to remember that Remus isn't the best mentally. Please be careful with him. Scared out of his wits by men just walking past his door. I need you to understand that you have to take it slow. Try not to bring anything up about his past, unless he starts talking about it. Which I doubt, he hasn't uttered a word to anyone. Not even the people he lets come near him. Ok, Sirius?" 

Sirius nodded and smiled. 

"Yeah, I understand. Thanks for letting me come." Sirius hasn't stopped asking about Remus since they left the hospital. Nothing different really. Now finally being given access to see the young fragile boy, Sirius couldn't be more happier. Well he would never want this boy to be like the way he is but you understand Sirius's excitement. The thought of being able to help Remus and make him better just made Sirius riddle with the excitement and happiness flowing through his veins now.

As they turned into the hospital car park, the two got out and walked to the main entrance. Since Euphemia wasn't on investigation business, they had to be on the hospitals visiting hours. Now, already knowing the way to the room, Euphemia led Sirius down what seemed like a never ending path of corridors. Left here and right there, through a dozen double doors. Finally to the new, less emergency based but still private room.

"Remember what I said Sirius. I won't be far. Just down in the cafe. If you need anything, either call me on your phone or for the nurses. There is a button but I think that's just for emergencies." Euphemia said before kissing the top of Sirius's head. 

"Yes, we will be alright." Sirius smiled sweetly before taking a deep breath, knocking the door before slowly opening it.

Revealing a similar clean smelling room. White walls, floor and ceiling with an exception to a blue felt board in one corner that had pictures pinned on. The wheeled bed in the centre of the far wall, still wires snaking off Remus and onto machines. A table with food, water and books. Chest of draws that most likely held clothes and spare bed sheets. Only a spare blue chair off to the side, in front of the double windows showing the marvelous creation that is the concrete car park, was the other available seating. The light flickers slightly as Sirius closed the door quietly and smiled again.

Remus was sitting up wide eyed. He didn't expect a visitor. Especially not him. Remus thought it would be the investigators again, even maybe the nurses. Definitely not the boy that Remus dreamed of, holding him close again. Radiating warmth onto his naturally cold body.

"Um hi Remus. I'm Sirius. You might not remember but I er found you a couple of weeks ago. I just wanted to check how you are doing. They wouldn't let me come before today." Sirius anxiously said while starting to walk towards the chair. Looking for any signs of distress from Remus. All seemed fine as he sat down.

Remus still in shock nodded and turned his head to look as Sirius who was gazing around the room. 

"I was told you haven't really spoken so I brought a pad for you to write on. If you want of course."

Remus smiled and shuffled closer to the edge of the bed, trying to be as close as he could get to Sirius. Maybe he could ask him to sit next to him?

If he plucked up the courage to talk that it. Writing all the time mass his has ache. It's even worse with how he has to position his hand to make sure the pen doesn't smudge. Being a lefty doesn't do him much good.

Sirius noticed the movement that Remus made. He felt touched that the boy felt comfortable enough with another he just barely met. Enough to want to be close on his own occurred!

"What have you been up too in this room? Not really exciting is it? Bit bland and very well white."

Remus silently agreed with how the room was boring. Most days he just reads and stares out the windows, taste testing out the canteen food as well. He has out on the weight he lost over the months and the doctor's are happy about that. Remus still looks a bit on the skinny side but tons better than how he looked before. Skinny and boney.

Remus pointed to the book that layed out on the table. A tale of two lovers who can't manage to road trip propably. How they have ended up in so much trouble, Remus can't decipher. However still enjoying the book and making him giggle from time to time.

Sirius nodded not sure what else to ask. Trying to think of something that won't hurt the boy.

Remus had other ideas. 

With having plucked up his courage, he manages to croak out a question. Getting Sirius completely of guard.

"W-what d-do you l-like to do?" 

It was now Sirius's turn to sit shocked. He did not expect that. 

"Like hobbies?"

Remus nodded.

"Well I like going on my bike. Especially in the woods. Or on those courses that like twist and stuff. There good fun. Um watching movie marithons. I'm a sucker for Disney. And also designing clothes! Now that is exciting. I love it so much. My friends James and Peter are my models, well now Lily, that's James's girlfriend, helps out too. That's pretty much it. Don't really do much else." Sirius blabbed on. He honestly could talk forever about designing clothes. He lived for it. Loving being able to express himself. Letting his imagination run free. Something his old parents never let him do.

"I l-like r-riding bikes too. N-never b-been on a trail t-though. Now w-who d-doesnt like Disney?! I l-love w-watching them. C-can you s-show me s-some of y-your d-designs?" Remus giggled slightly at how enthusiastic Sirius was. 

He just then realised how much he was talked. The most in nearly 2 weeks. That's how long he has been out of the shackles. He was glad that he was able to talk freely with Sirius. But did worry that he was talking to much.

What if he said the wrong thing? What if he talked out of turn? Will he be punished? Remus doesn't want to find out what sort of things Sirius would do if he made him mad. 

"Sure. I've got loads of pictures! Not many people have seen these. AHH! I hope you like them!" Sirius leaned against the side of the bed. Getting his very larger folder of his designs open. 

Letting Remus hold the phone and scroll. Sirius watched as he put on faces of amazement and suprise at how intrequet some of the peices of clothing were. 

Remus couldn't believe just how stunning they looked. He took in every last detail on every last picture. Soaking up the beauty of what Sirius managed to make. 

"How long?" Remus asked staring in wonder at Sirius. 

"Months. Ages! I couldn't tell you how many nights I was up just sewing and sewing. Ugh it was exhausting but totally worth it! So you like?"

"Mmm. Yeah. C-could I um."

"What?"

Remus just shook his head going back to scrolling through the pictures. Forgetting to actually look. He shouldn't have asked. It was stupid of him. Now Sirius is going to hurt him. He's going to be mad.

Why does he have to ruin everything?

Tears slowly trickled down Remus's cheeks. He put Sirius's phone down and brought his knees up to his chest. Burrowing his head.

Sirius went to sit on the bed, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy.

"Shhh it's ok Remus. Don't be upset. Your alright. You've done nothing wrong. Did you want to ask if you could be a model? If so, you can." Sirius stroked his back and whispered softly. Not wanting to startle Remus.

Remus looked up, eyes slightly red and puffy, cheeks wet and blochy. He nodded and crawled into Sirius's lap, hiding his head back in the familiar nook of his neck. Sirius adjusted how he was sitting, definitely not wanting to fall of the bed.

"Why did you get upset about asking Remus? It's perfectly fine." Sirius didn't know if the boy would answer or if it was the right thing to ask.

"Y-you m-mad at me. Y-you h-hurt me. I sorry. Didn't mean too! Please don't hurt me! I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Remus burst into another fit on tears. Soaking Sirius's grey jumper.

"Hey, hey. Remus I will never want to hurt you. I'm not mad, don't worry. Don't be afraid to ask questions. No one's going to hurt you again. Ok? You are safe with me. Don't cry. Everything is alright. You haven't done anything wrong." Sirius definitely knew that wasn't the right thing to ask.

Remus just nodded and whimpered slightly and sniffling. Rubbing the wet patches on his face with his fist. Closing his eyes and sinking deeper into the warmth of Sirius. 

Sirius then knew that it would be harder in helping then he first anticipated. But was that going to stop Sirius in trying to mend Remus. Absolutely not. He was going to do it whatever it takes. And he swears by that.

Whatever it takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Remus has, I made up. It has no name but I did base it off Wayward son by Rainbow Rowell. I recommend reading that book. Well after Carry on of course. 
> 
> These chapters seem to be getting longer. I hope you all are ok with that.
> 
> I wrote this pretty much straight after the last one, I was in a very good mood to write. Which then lead me to staying up later then expected. Probably shouldn't stay up until the early hours of the morning. Well.
> 
> Are you all enjoying this? Anything that I could make better? 
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!


	7. Chapter 7 - space that needs filling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With much delight from the doctor's and nurses, Remus is finally strong enough to leave the capable hands of those looking after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Thanks for all the kudos and comments. Love knowing that you are enjoying this. 
> 
> Please if there is anything I need to work on, especially with how Remus (I want to say functions) acts? I've looked up how people are with PTSD but of course if I do anything that doesn't quite fit, tell me and I'll change it!!
> 
> Thank you once again!!!

"Wait really!" Sirius shouted excitedly. Nearly falling out of his seat from the sudden knowledge, gained by the telling of Euphemia on one very bleak and grey sky first week of October.

"Yes, it's an emergency placement until there is a more permanent placement found for him. Now shush and eat up." Euphemia said, slightly startled with the reaction given. 

"This is so great! I get to help him better with him staying here. Oh I can't wait! When is he coming?" Sirius's eagerness making James laugh nearly spilling his bowl of Cheerios.

"Not until tomorrow. I just wanted to warn you. And James please eat carefully. Don't want you choking."

"Tomorrow! Why tell me now? Ugh it's going to take forever now!"

"Because otherwise it would be too much of a shock. With the way you are reacting now, I'm glad I did. Don't want to scare the poor boy now do we?"

"I think it's sweet, Sirius really isn't the punk rock guy he says he is. More of a fluffy ball of cuddly softness!" James said which made his mum laugh at how Sirius scoffed at the proclamation.

"I am not! I am very punk rock thank you very much!" 

* * *

Euphemia Potter waited outside the private room door, Remus was inside slowly but surely changing out of his hospital pajamas. His bag already packed, though barely anything needed to be put in; just some clothes that had been donated and some books. 

She hears some shuffling and presumed that he was done. Opening the door just a crack revealed Remus standing in the fair corner clutching onto his stuff for dear life. Shaking and twitching.

Stepping forward and closing the door, Euphemia noticed how scared he looked. She felt pity for the boy and wished that Sirius and possibly James could help him. He was so frightfully scared of most adults that she knew children his own age would be better. 

"Hello Remus. It's alright, I'm not going to hurt you. As you know you will be coming home with me for the time being. Have you got everything?" She said in a calm and relaxed tone, that seem to release tension stuck in Remus's shoulders.

He nodded and timidly approached the out stretched hand being given to him. Grasping the older women's safe grip, Remus let her lead the way out of the maze like building. Being extra careful to stay very close to her side. So close in fact, his cheek brushed against her upper arm. 

Euphemia felt touched at this action, definitely not expecting it. No one has expected much of Remus and when he did do something that no one thought he could possibly do, they all did double takes. 

Remus sat up front in the quiet car journey. Euphemia put the radio on but neither one of them was listening. 

Getting close to the potter mansion, Euphemia thought it would be best now in the vicinity of the quiet car to clear some things up.

"My son James and of course you know Sirius are your age too. They'll be wanting to make sure you are comfortable staying here. Showing you around and talking. The grounds are pretty large and I'm sure you'll spend a good amount of time exploring. If you need anything, Remus, please ask one of us. If you need to be alone that's absolutely fine. Please don't be scared to tell us anything. You are safe here."

Remus nodded and continued to stare out the window. Watching as trees and bushes went by. They were driving up the drive and he was fascinated by actually how vast the grounds were. 

"Looks like you've already got a tour guide ready and waiting." Euphemia pointed out Sirius walking up towards the car. The same old sweet smile brightening up the mucky air.

Remus thanked whoever answers prayers that Sirius was here. He wished and hoped to be in a familiar setting now getting a familiar person. He didn't know exactly why he trusted the boy with a pale complection. He'd only known him and communicated with him for a short while. However, Remus trusted him with whatever is left with his life. Not entirely sure if this trusting descion is a right choice or even the best thing for him but going along with it either way.

Opening the car door with a click, Sirius greeted Remus with a hi and a hand to hold. 

After getting out the car, Remus held close to Sirius much the same as he did with Euphemia earlier. Both boys liking the closeness of one another. 

"James is inside making some sandwiches for lunch. You like ham right?" Sirius was trying to make small talk. Wanting this situation to be as normal and natural as humanly possible. He knew what could happen if Remus was uncomfortable or in stress. 

He also wanted Remus to forget the awful things that have happened to him. Knowing that a therapist, which was already agreed upon and was going to see Remus the very next day, would want him to talk about every last detail. Much to Sirius's dismay, he knew it would somewhat help but the thought of Remus having to remember made his insides squirm and grow cold.

Remus looked up and nodded, his eyes previously watching his feet -now in new blue trainers- step on the stones. 

"After we have had some food, we'll give you a tour of the gardens and the house. If you want of course, we could just show you your room first. Get you settled, then give you the tour. Which ever is best. You can choose." Sirius said.

The two had now entered the fairly modern house or rather mansion and were walking towards the marble topped kitchen. 

James had made quite a show. Arranging plates and bowls filled with sandwiches and crisps, some chocolate and spicy dips. Proud of his creation, James beamed with happiness as he saw Sirius and Remus enter.

"Hello. I'm James. Welcome to out humble abode. I hope you will enjoy your stay here. Very welcome you are Remus. I'm at your service. Happy to provide snacks and quality entertainment!" James dramatically bowed and jumped around. Remus giggled into Sirius's side at this little routine. Sirius just rolled his eyes and smirked. Knowing full well James had been rehearsing this little act.

Tucking into the mountains of food, there was little conversation between the boys. This was one thing expected for certain.

After a could 30 minutes of eating and moving slightly to the beat of the songs playing out on the radio, Sirius wanted to see what Remus wanted to do.

"Would you like a tour first or after you seeing your room?" He asked Remus would was licking his lips after finishing off a bowl of cheese and onion crisps. 

Remus seemed to stop in the moment of a very deep thought process. Biting his lips nervously and twiddling with his thumbs.

"C-can I s-see my r-room. P-please?" He whispered so quietly that Sirius only just managed to hear him, James however not getting a single word.

"Sure! Come on. We'll show you. Right next door to ours!" Sirius hopped of the stool and helped Remus off. He again went onto clinging onto his arm. Pressing his body as close as he could to Sirius's. James didn't understand where they were going but followed anyways.

Climbing the polished wood stairs, Remus eyed the many pictures and ordimants placed with perfect precision. Marveled by the knowing of how expensive those particular paintings could be. 

"Here we are. I guess it's as empty as the hospital room but definitely brighter in terms of different colours. Ooo looks like mum has already brought your things up. Do you want help unpacking or you want us to leave you be?" Sirius didn't want to leave Remus on his own and hoped he would want help.

Remus looked up and stared almost looked like someone had just slapped him round the face with a wet fish. Tears were beginning to form in his eyes and he began to shake.

"D-don't go." Was all he managed to say, whispering it out again. It was hardly audible and once more James had no clue what was going on, instead leaving the room to fetch some water for the crying boy.

"Oh Remus it's ok. Don't cry. I wont leave. Shhh it's ok." Sirius didn't realise such question could bring such emotions. But then again he hasn't really researched how someone like Remus acts. Best go and do that tonight, he thought. He didn't want to upset the boy again.

**Remus POV**

I felt stupid, like a baby.

That's the second time I've cried in front of Sirius.

I didn't want him to leave me. He didn't. Neither to James. He brought me a glass of water. Then they helped me unpack, well the little amount I did get. Mostly charity donations. I remember Euphemia telling me I could get my personal things from my old house in Wales soon.

Most of my stuff and everything in the cottage was ready in boxes and suitcases. We were planning on moving to around London. Something to do with an art gallery. I think it was actually around here. 

We then went outside. Too cold for my liking. James gave me a spare jumper to wear. It was blue and fluffy, flappy at the arms and the hood covered my eyes. I just continued to hold onto Sirius as he guided me around.

I liked holding onto him. Being close. I guess he like it too. He doesn't seem to mind. Looking quite content with how this has ended up.

I know I'm not staying long.

I know I'm going into the care system.

I know I'm going to hate it.

I know everything is going to be different. Strange and unfamiliar.

But for now I'm just going to take in the amazing place I'm living in. It really it like a castle. There is so much space. The garden was gorgeous, though some flowers did make me sneeze. The house looked immaculate and all modern. I wonder how Euphemia does it. With all the cleaning and stuff. 

I think I've noticed one or two workers. They seem creepy. I don't like them. I'll just have to remember to jot go too close. I don't know what they'll do to me. I hope they don't hurt me. I hope nobody else hurts me.

All I can do is hope. 

Pretty ironic really 

Mum name was hope. Now she is gone. Looked like I had no hope left. Physically and mentally. But things do look like they are going up.

All feels like a dream of sorts. Being saved and all. Pinch and then you'll wake up, back with him. I don't try and see if this is real. Id rather live in a fantasy world where everyone and everything is good, alive and happy then be back with him.

Though he did say he loved me.


	8. Chapter 8 - trying to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus doesn't want to sleep but the tablets he takes make him go deeper into it. Nightmares and sleeping pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I would finish and edit (kind of) before today, I had teeny bit of writer's block. But here it is!!
> 
> TW: panic attacks and mentions of abuse

Remus sat perched on the edge of the couch, staring out the floor to ceiling windows, watching the night sky become dazzled with stars and the bright full moon. The Potters were lucky enough to live far enough out of their town to have lots of viability on clear nights. Something Remus has already started to enjoy. 

He's scared though. Frightened of what will happen next. Cautious of things around him. Constantly checking his surroundings. Worried that he is going to wake up and be back in the god awful basement. Chained up and forced to let a dirty man play with him. He's scared that Sirius will turn on him. That they Potters, who have kindly opened their home to a kid like him, are going to chuck him out. Leaving with the rats of the street. He doesn't know what their intentions are but they can't be any good, can they? Who would like a used and no good kid like him? Someone who had been played around with like a rag doll. Treated like utter garbage. 

Remus can't seem to get his mind settled. It's been frantically unlocking scenarios in his dreams since his escape. More like nightmares. That's why he doesn't want to sleep. Every time he closes his eyes for too long, it all comes gushing out like a broken tap. 

And when he does close his eyes, he can't breathe. When he can't breathe, he can't move. When he can't move, he can't stop it happening. He just has to let the torture get tired. It's all one big loop of pain and suffering. 

Why would anyone want to go through that? Again even? 

It was a never ending nightmare that no pill will be able to fix. No amount of stupid medicine is going to help. Just seems to make it worse. 

Sirius noticed how distant Remus was. He rarely spoke, rarely seemed like he was in this world, rarely looked up to do anything. Not even watch a film or start a new tv series. Nothing seemed to grab the boys attention. But Sirius understood why. He understood the pain Remus is going through. He understands how difficult it can be. Not that he himself has been through the same situation. But with his own parent and general life troubles, he can see why Remus is like he is. As well as the extensive research he has done in the weeks. 

Walking into the living room as carefully as he could, not to make any sudden movements, he saw how fascinated Remus looked when he was staring out he windows. Sirius saw how the dim lamp light brought out the freckles scattered across Remus's cheeks. How his amber eyes sparkled and twitched, his fluffy golden looking hair grew in all directions. 

Sirius was hypnotised with how Remus looked. Staring just as fondly as the boy was at the night sky.

He also noticed a great big scar running across his face. From the side of his head, over the bridge of his nose, down to his chin. A horrible looking thing that portrayed the violence and torture he has endured. Sirius is certain there are more. He's noticed ends of scars and bruises that peek out from where Remus's clothes end. Sirius hates how he got them. It makes him sick. 

"Hey Remus, dinners ready. Sausage and mash. Gravy as well." Sirius spoke softly but that still managed to make Remus jump. His anxious expression softened when he saw it was Sirius by the door. Remus nodded and shakily stood up.

Walking and then grabbing onto Sirius, the pair made their way into the dinning room. Fitted with a long oak table and chairs with embroidered cushions. More paintings and expensive cases filled with roses surrounding the edge of the turquoise painted walls. 

"Hello boys. Sorry dinners a bit late today. Eat up." Euphemia said before tucking into her own plate. James and Fleamont guilty nodded already shovelling mash on forks and down their throats. Who taught these two manners? Honestly like a pair of pigs.

Remus cautiously sat next to Sirius, opposite Fleamont. He didn't know what the older man could do to him. Didn't know how strong he was or how bad his temper could get. He didn't even know if the man was capable of doing such things. Either way Remus remembered to respect him and do as he pleases, never to disobey orders otherwise punishment will be set. 

He glanced at Sirius, as if to ask if he could start eating. Sirius just smiled and nodded. Remus always waited for agreement to start eating, even at the hospital, always making sure it was ok to do so. Greyback would never be pleased if Remus tucked into the food to early (couldn't really call it food, was just scraps of old dinners and takeaways).

It was a slow dinner. Remus took his time whereas James and his dad had finished extremely quickly with Euphemia and Sirius close behind. All still were polite enough to wait for him but not make it awkward. Presuming conversations they seemed were having before dinner. Something about football and basketball lessons. 

"Right you three and go upstairs and occupy yourselves. I'll clear up don't worry. Off you pop" Euphemia said, ushering the boys out of the room.

"Thanks for dinner mum." James called rushing upstairs.

"Thank you!" Sirius also said rather loudly, making Remus cover his ears.

"Sorry." Sirius soon realised how loud he was being, seeing the distressed boy standing to the side of him. Still clutching on his arm.

Remus nodded and let Sirius take him to his and James's room.

It was only 8 at night so in now way were James and Sirius going to get ready for bed, instead opted to play Mario kart. It's an obsession that nothing will stop. They seem to play it every chance they get. James never managing to get any better. Sirius on the other hand doesn't even have to try. 

The two rowdy boys sat on red bean bag at the foot of James's bed. TV in front of them a d controllers in hand. Remus perched himself on the black bean bag, anxiously playing with his hands and pulling at his skin. 

He was tied. 

He wanted to sleep.

He wanted to drift to a world of endless dreams. Where anything is possible. A life of wonder. But knowing that's not what he'll be seeing, keeps his eyes open.

Remus felt out of place. 

The Potters house was massive and yeah his parents were rich enough to buy something like this but he still felt like he didn't belong. 

A messed up child with a tragic past and trauma. Why would he fit in anywhere? 

The clock on the wall ticked slowly away. Prolonging the dreaded night. Stretching it out like play dough. 

James knew something was off. His gut told him that something wasn't right. And his gut never lies. Looking around his room, he caught Remus swaying back and forth, rocking but slower and more drifting in the wind like. He didn't know if he should do something. Anything to help the boy. Just one thing to cheer him up. Make him feel better.

"Hey James, you really need to practice more. Getting wrecked every time is gonna ruin your ego! What you staring at?" Sirius's laughter subsided as he took his turn in looking around the room. Now noticing how Remus was still swaying and rocking back and forth. 

Remus continued to pick at his skin. Continued to chew his already bleeding lip. Continuing to doubt himself. Continuing to let himself remember. He didn't know why his brain did this to him. Another round of torture is a stupid thing to do. Stupid brain. Stupid life. 

His eyes no longer sparkling. Glossed over and staring lost into the vast abyss. 

Sirius shuffled over, again carefully not to make any sudden movements. 

"Hey Remus. You alright buddy?" Sirius said reaching a hand out to touch his shoulder. A wrong choice in actions.

Remus startled, jumped off the bean bag, standing up pushing himself to the nearest empty wall. Shaking and shuddering, eyes twitching and running around the room. Leaking up tears to heavy to hold in. Inaudible mutterings coming out of his mouth. 

Confused in what to do, Sirius and James exchanged glances. Both shrugging shoulders and shaking heads. 

"Sirius. I'll go get some water. And maybe mum." James spoke calmly and excited the room. Hurrying out once the door closed.

Sirius got up and crouched in front of Remus, who now was on the floor knees to his chest and tears streaming out of his eyes. Still shaking and rocking back and forth.

"Hey Remus. It's alright. I'm sorry that I scared you. Everything is good. You are in James's bedroom, remember? You're safe here." 

Remus silently crawled into Sirius, who had to adjust to a sitting position. 

Remus's head in the nook of his neck and whole body contortioned in his lap. Sirius rested his chin on the trembling boys head and stroked his back slowly and gently.

"Shh shh it's alright Remus. It alright buddy. You're safe." 

"Mum's on a call, dad says Remus wouldn't react well with him yet so just told me to bring him water and his tablets." James placed the water and packet of sleeping pills on the bedside table.

"Ok, um what are they for?" Sirius didn't realise that Remus would need tablets. He didn't think that medicine could help with this.

"Um I think they are sleeping pills or something. Calming down stuff. I'm not too sure. He has two others he takes in the morning downstairs."

"Oh ok. Didn't think he would get tablets."

"Me neither. Is he calmed down now?"

Sirius looked down. Remus had gone limp in his arms. Warn out from panicking. Not asleep but just resting his eyes.

"Yeah, I think so. I'm going to put him in his bed. Bring the water and sleeping pills would you?"

Sirius slowly got up from the grey carpeted floor. Bringing Remus into a bridal position. His hands holding and scrunching up Sirius's shirt. James nodded and followed them next door. 

Remus's room had walls of pearly white, scattered painted flowers and vines. A double bed in one corner and shelf's and shelf's of books. More grey carpeted floor and more multi coloured bean bags. Three panelled windows, showing the night sky and letting in the faint moonlight that wasn't covered in clouds. A warm and cozy room. 

Sirius placed Remus on top of the baby blue duvet, resting his head on the pillows surrounding him. Remus quickly realised that he was being removed from the warm hold and scrambled to hold on tighter. 

"Remus, please let go. You can't sleep attached to me." Sirius said. Remus just whimpered but reluctantly obliged, he didn't want to be punished after all. 

He slowly put himself under the covers feeling in the warmth from them. He felt as if he was floating on clouds like Mary Poppins. The matres was cushioning his bruises and the pillows sank down when he rested his heavy head. Curling up with his legs close to his chest, he sighed deeply. He hasn't felt this comfortable in weeks. 

"Remus you need to take this medicine. It's what Fleamont told us." Sirius said looking back to James who handed over the tablets of glass of water. 

Remus shuddered and scooted further away under the covers. He knew what the tablets were capable of doing and he didn't want it. Even with the looming danger of a punishment if he didn't do as he was told. It was jus something he will have to put up with.

"Remus, please. They make you better. I think anyways. Please." 

Remus couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't disobey Sirius. With all those pleases and just doing things for him, Remus knew it was the least he could do. Returning the favour, going through with the medicine.

Cautiously he swallowed the tablets. Remus knew from experience it would take around an hour to be fast asleep. He would just have to wait for the nightmares. Not turning back now.

"We will just be in the other room. Goodnight Remus."

And with that Name and Sirius left, leaving the room in a dark silence. 

* * *

**Remus POV**

_A hand glided over my body. A large round hand with silver rings. They burned my skin, leaving trails of peeling red skin._

_A cold breeze flowed past me. I'm naked._

_A gruff drunken hoarse grumble echoed of concrete walls._

_"Naughty naughty little Lupin. Running away? What did you think would happen? Be saved by a prince in shinning armour? Ha! What a funny joke. No one wants to save you. You are worthless and a used peice of shit. Can't even please your master propably."_

_I shudder under the voice._

_Spit landed on me. I try to wipe it away but my arms are tugged back. Tied with the chains. I forgot about those._

_He's right._

_No one is coming to save me. No one wants a used worthless boy. I'm a peice of shit. Master hates me. Everyone hates me. I hate me._

_"Now, what to punish you with? I think you need more. Need to make sure you lean your lesson."_

_A wip. He had a wip. A long black leather wip._

_He's never used one before. Only hitting me with his hands. Even then it was painful. Leaving me with bruises and broken skin._

_His eyes are filled with evil happiness. A painful concoction leading to him do his worst._

_I don't know when the first hit was but I know I'm screaming. I shouldn't be. He doesn't like it when I make sounds like that. I can't help it though._

_The wip hugs my skin before letting go. Burning my already tormented body._

"Remus!"

_Someone is shouting. It's not him. His lips are curled into a snarl. Not moving to form words._

"Hey. Wake up buddy. Please wake up."

_Who is it? Why do they want me to wake up? I'm already awake. Aren't I?_

My eyes open. Light pouring in. My head hurts. My whole body hurts.

The bed it wet. I'm sweating. Or crying. I'm not sure.

"Hey Remus. Buddy. It's ok. You in your bedroom. Remember? Just a nightmare. You're safe."

I'm looking into sad grey eyes. 

Sirius.

The others are standing by the door. Dressed in pajamas and messed up ruffled hair.

I've woken everyone up. They are going to hate me now. I've runined their sleep. More punishments. 

I've messed up. Why can't I do things the right way? Why do I have to fuck everything up?

Sirius is sitting on the covers. I crawl out and make my way towards him. 

I lay my head in his lap and bring my legs to my chest again.

He's stroking my head, my back and whispering sweet nothings. 

I didn't think I'd wake up. With the sleeping medicine but here I am curled up on Sirius's lap, awake and trembling.

"James you can go back to bed. Me and your dad will be just downstairs." I hear Euphemia say. Then shuffling of feet and tired yawning. I think it's just me and Sirius now.

I look up. He's looking down at me. I blush and hide in his thin cotton pajamas. They are soft. Like mine. James gave me some of his old stuff. 

He chuckles.

"You have a very loud scream. Probably woke the whole road up."

What! Oh no. What have I done. Idiot. Fucking idiot. 

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with having a nightmare. It's alright."

It's not though. It can't be. 

Nothing is alright. Nothing will ever be alright. Not now at least.

Sirius continues to soothe me. But I don't understand why he looks after me.

I'm broken. No one like someone who is broken. He is going to get tired of me. Hate me. Want to hurt me. I don't see why he hasn't left me alone. Left me to rot and whither away. None of them have. But they should.


	9. Chapter 9 - why do we need to talk?

The dim orange sunrise came around early morning. Remus hadn't gone back to sleep, instead content in laying on Sirius's lap letting the other both stroke his hair. He didn't trust his brain not to recount memories he wishes to lock away. However, the little peaceful sleep he did manage to get seemed to give him an energy boost for the day.

Remus walked with more of a spring in his step, still attached to Sirius mind. Eyes widened up and he looked fresher. Not so groggy and pale. 

"Are you feeling better?" Sirius asked once they finished up their breakfast.

Remus hummed and nodded. He did in fact feel better. Not just the fact that he feels fresher, just the knowing that people cared enough to stay with him after a bad dream. Knowing that person is the warm shield ready and poised to comfort him whenever. Knowing that person is Sirius. Remus knows he shouldn't but he can't help fall in love with the stormy grey eyed boy.

"Right boys go get washed and dressed. Sirius, James. Your father wants some help in the garden. Remus you'll be coming with me." Euphemia said getting her and Fleamont a cup of tea ready.

Remus immediately snapped his head round to stare at the women. Coming with her? Remus couldn't remember why he had to go. Had he done something wrong already? He knew this day was coming but didn't think so soon. Was he really that bad? 

"Oh sorry love. We are going to see the therapist. Sorry I should have reminded you." Euphemia said realising the look on the boys face was scared. 

Remus nodded slowly. He hadn't taken in the information and was still thinking that these people hated him. But with a smile from Sirius he was finally able to come back down to earth. Following the two boys back up to the rooms, Remus felt like the good feeling he has after the nightmare had vanished in plain sight. Already had enough of him. Not even a happy feeling likes him to stay. Always leaving too soon.

James had set some of his old clothes on Remus's bed before jumping in the shower. Sirius has shown Remus how to use the knobs and taps in the bathroom which looked to complicated to be usable. Then leaving him alone to sort his own stuff out. 

Remus didn't want to be a nuisance so didn't have a shower instead just brushing his teeth and using some fancy soap that looked edible to wash. He had someone else to wash him in the hospital as he was too weak to stand up let alone clean. He's glad he can do things by himself. Even eating was a hassel. It took great amounts of strength to lift spoons and forks but now it was like he never had a time in his life where he didn't use them. 

As the doctor's said, he's much improved and stronger. Actually to much suprise. They didn't think it would be this quick.

The drive to the private therepist was quiet, only the soft him of the engine and faint buzz of the radio to drown out the thoughts that ranged on in both Euphemia and Remus's mind. 

Remus didn't want to leave the safety of the house. He didn't want to talk about what happened. He didn't want some stranger looking into his broken past. A trauma he'd rather not remember. What happened during the summer stays in the summer and that's final. Either way Remus would much rather Sirius to be with him. At least he knows he's comfortable with the other boy. Enough to cuddle up and speak to him at least. 

By the time they had arrived, Remus had come up with multiple solutions in how to avoid talking. Some were more complicated then needed to be but in the end he just decided to not cooperate. Obviously ending in a punishment of some sort but since he hasn't been given any Remus thought that maybe, just maybe, he didn't deserve to be punished. 

Remus knew this was a laughable idea. He needed to be punished for the bad things he does. The wrong moves he commits. Anything that doesn't please and satisfact others around him end up with a punishment. Teaching Remus that he needs to be better. 

The building was painted white and had a dark blue dorr with the sign 'doctor Pomfrey' written in black letters. Another sign pointing out all the therapy that were available for paying customers. Again all in black letters. Outside on the path walking up towards the door were plants of almost every colour. Remus didn't know much about plants but was amazed at how beautiful the little garden was.

Euphemia walked in and lead Remus along past stairs and two closed doors and into the third room which was again painted white. Everything was white and clean, exactly like the hospital. 

However, taking a look around the room he had just entered Remus saw that in fact it was quite colourful. Filled with bean bags, teddies, books, toys and wind chimes that hung from the ceiling. A desk in the corner with peices of what seemed like child art stuck to the side, sat a young looking lady. She greeted Euphemia with happy hellos and directed the two visitors to the cushioned seats placed in front of her. A bay window looking out on a small alleyway was built behind the lady. 

"Hello, I'm Dr Pomfrey. Or you can just call me Poppy. Which ever suits you best. You must be Remus." The lady spoke with the same gentle tone Euphemia did. 

Remus just nodded and kept his head down. Hoping his plan would work. 

"Now since today is the first day of us working together, it will be more of an introductory to what works best for you Remus. And what doesn't. Now if you don't feel like talking then you can just write whatever you want to say down on this whiteboard. All I ask for you is you to be honest. Remus you have to understand that I'm here to help you can I can't if you don't tell me what you want. As always we can not talk about any past events for the time being and just get to know one another. Is that alright for you Remus."

Remus nodded again. He understood perfectly. He didn't have to talk to Poppy. He could just get to know her and spend his time playing with the baby toys in the corner. He didn't have to bring up any unwanted memories. But he knew he would have to some day. But he didn't want to think about that. So he didn't.

"Is there anything you think that could help you feel better and more comfortable? Now this comfort is in general, say you out in public or at home. Anything that you can think of that is going to benefit you."

Remus grabbed the whiteboard and thought. He wasn't sure what could help him. Sirius helps him but he can't just write the boys name down. Reading calms him down. Drawing does too. Thats what he writes; reading and drawing.

Poppy nods and takes a note of this.

"Is there anything that you don't like doing? Either it's because of what happened or just because you've never enjoyed it. Anything at all."

Remus thinks again. Rubbing out his previous answers he jots down dark, sleep and talking. He writes them as quickly as he could, leaving a messy sprawl of blue ink. He didn't want to look at the words or acknowledge he wrote them down. Because then he would be reminded of why he doesn't like them.

Poppy nods and takes notes again.

"Ok, thank you Remus. Now for the couple of minutes I'm going to need to talk to Euphemia so you can look around the room and play or investigate anything and everything. We be long, just outside the door." Poppy and Euphemia then to do the said talking in the hallway, leaving the door open a jar.

Remus stands up and makes his way towards the wall of shelves filled with different teddies. Dragons, owls, deer, dogs, bears, frogs, wolfs, a sully bear, Minnie and Mickie mouse. He reaches out and takes a normal looking brown bear, buttons for eyes and a black thread nose, a red bow round its neck and a smile from one side of its snout to the other. It reminds Remus of a bear like he had when he was younger. He guesses its up in the attack along with all his other baby stuff, in boxes and covered in old dust. He still hasn't gone back to get his stuff. Remus thinks that maybe when he's in a more long-term house he'll retrieve his belongings. 

Remus hugs the bear close and sinks in a bean bag to the side of him. Hugging the teddy to his face he holds in tears. He doesn't want to cry but the realisation hits him bluntly and with force.

His parents are gone. They're not coming to pick him up, they aren't going to kiss him goodnight or embarrass him in front of friends. Never again are they going to watch movies with him or take him out for ice cream. Hope and Lyall Lupin, his mum and dad, are dead and gone.

A door shutting startles Remus, he whips his head up and quickly wipes away any sign of tears. Poppy and Euphemia have come back in. They were right, they weren't long.

Poppy crouches next to Remus. "Whats wrong Remus? I see you've met Fred. He is a lovely bear, you can keep him and take him home."

Remus shakes his head in a no to not talking but nods in keeping the bear. 

"Ok, that is fine. Now I've cleared some things up and for now we'll be seeing each other once a week on Fridays. We'll be having more time to talk but now its time for you to go home. Think about anything you want to do or talk about. Anything at all. Look after Fred and yourself." 

Remus nodded once more and grabbed the out stretched hand given to him by Euphemia. The two then made their way home. Another quiet car ride. 

* * *

James and Sirius were kneeling around of patch of fresh compost put in the ground for the new assortmant of flowers ready to be planted.

"How was Remus after um you know after he woke up?" James asked nervously. 

"Calmer. But I don't think he got much sleep." Sirius replied.

"He's lucky to have you."

"What?"

"I mean, he's lucky to have a friend who's caring enough to look after him. I don't think many could cope or know what to do. It's nice of you."

James turns to look at Sirius who was frozen still in the middle of putting in Lavender. 

"Thanks" Sirius muttered resuming the planting.

"Um Sirius are you um I mean do you like er boys? Are the rumours true?"

Sirius dropped his shovel in suprise. Why was James asking that?

"I er if you are that's cool. I just um thought maybe. Sorry if you aren't. Guess probably not the right thing to ask." James laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck, trialing a line of dirt.

Sirius shook his head. He had been thinking about this for a while. People suspected it. They teased him about it. Made fun of him. Deep down Sirius knew it was true. He didn't like knowing he is because that means the people were right. And that his parents actually do hate him. Sirius never plucked up the courage to talk to James about it. Only shoving the situation aside. Now it has come alight again. Burning the lies he's made and scattering ashes of truth around his feet. He feels tears in his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it. Bit late for that now huh?

"I think." Was all he could manage out before they heard Euphemia call that they were home.

"Ok cool. Sorry about making it awkward. I don't want to make you upset. I'm here for you. Tell me anything and I'll listen." James brought Sirius in a side hug. Resting his head on the smaller boys own head. The task at hand now discarded.

After the two muddy boys had cleaned up, Remus was slowly munching his way through a packet of hula hoops while watching still Shrek 2, still clutching onto the bear.

James had gone straight to the other couch, immediately hypnotized by the film. He's always been a sucker for Shrek.

Sirius sat next to Remus. He didn't want to disturb the other boy but he had other plans. Shuffling over and laying down resting his head on Sirius's lap.

"Hey Re." 

Remus blushed at the nickname and nodded in response.

"How was the therapist?"

Remus thought in how to respond. He didn't feel like talking even though he had talked to Sirius before but he did want to tell him how it went. An idea popped in his head and Remus replied by writing out the word _alright_ on Sirius's leg.

It took a few goes before he understood what Remus was saying, laughing at his incompetence in feeling letters on his skin.

Remus turned from facing the TV to looking up at Sirius. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Why was Sirius laughing? The film wasn't at a funny part.

"That took me too long to get. Is that where to got the bear?"

Remus nodded and brought Fred up to show Sirius.

Sirius smiled his cuteness and made the bear kiss the end of Remus's nose making he boy scrunch it up.

"Is the therapist nice?"

Remus nodded again and quickly got up to fetch a pen and paper. Rushing even more to write down Poppy's name and what they talked about and what would happen in the future. Sirius read through making a mental note to remember what he liked to do and what he didn't like.

Sirius wanted to make sure Remus was happy with staying at the Potters. Even if it is temporary. Apparently, he would be getting a Social worker visiting and reviewing his progress before sending him to a more permanent placement. Sirius didn't want Remus to go but knew it was for the best. The Potters were emergency foster parents. Already having had a couple of other children over the years. 

Sirius wondered where Remus would have gone if they weren't. Probably to another emergency foster parent. He sighed and rested his head against the back of the couch. 

He couldn't think like how he was. He couldn't start liking Remus. He couldn't start falling in love with him. It was wrong and could do more harm in good in their current situation. If things were different, maybe then. Yet Sirius couldn't get it out of his head how much he enjoyed taking care of Remus and enjoyed being the the company of the boy.

Times are changing. Neither boys know if it's a good change or one that could ruin everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! How's everyone doing? 
> 
> Forgot to mention why Remus is wearing James's clothes. In my mind them two are close in height where as Sirius is smaller. As well as Sirius also wearing some of James's clothes. 
> 
> Love to hear from you x


	10. Chapter 10 - school is a question for another day

The last couple of days were pretty much the same.

Remus waking up screaming and panting for air, sweat dripping down his forehead while Sirius cradles him, hushing the slight sobs that managed to make way out of Remus. 

James and Sirius playing random games on the Xbox or Nintendo switch with Remus behind them watching or reading a book. Sometimes even drawing, not that he let anyone see the images.

While the sun was going down and shining warm colours across the horizon, leaving the night sky home to hundred upon thousands of twinkling stars, you could find Remus watching and absorbing the beauty past the paneled windows. Sirius watching Remus with love in his eyes but he doesn't know that. Yet.

Just with the slight difference of the conversation on Sunday night at the dinner table.

The five of them were making their way through a roast dinner. A radio was playing in the kitchen but for Remus it still was an awkward silence. He wasn't used to eating like this. It was nice but it felt odd. Like 4 pair of eyes were on him. Assessing his every move. 

But they weren't of course.

Fleamont exchanged a glance across the table at Euphemia, telling her in silence that it was time. She sighed and set her cutlery down. It made a clanking sound that startled the boys making them look up in confusion.

"Remus dear, we need to talk about school." Euphemia said, "we have been talking to the headmaster and we have talked things through and have decided that it is the best option for you at this moment in time. I know this is short notice but if you are ok with it, you could start tomorrow. How do you feel about that?"

Remus looked around the table, gulped before nodding. He hadn't thought about school. He didn't think he'd survive long enough to be able to start the new school he was meant to go to. He used to enjoy school, learning new things and being able to see his friends. But things have changed, he's changed. People know that he was the kid that went missing. It was all over the news. Remus knew he would have to go out into the world one time or another, but school was not where he would want to make his first appearance. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to look at Sirius. 

"It will be alright. Me and James, perhaps some of our other friends, will be there with you." Sirius smiled and Remus returned it. 

"Well that's sorted then. I'll come with you tomorrow and then you'll get the run down of how it's all going to work." Euphemia said. She's glad that Remus wanted to go to school. He's in safe hand after all. Dumbledore is one of the best headmasters around. 

* * *

It was late - around 11 o'clock - when Sirius heard a knock at his bedroom door. James wanted a late night shower so he was on his own.

"Yeah, come in?" 

The door opened only slightly, the gap big enough for a head to peak through. Remus did just that and peered cautiously in. 

"Oh Remus, it's alright. You can come in." Sirius reasured.

Remus then stepped through, closing the door just as quietly. He's clutching onto the bear he got from his first therapy session, wearing the slightly baggy fluffy pajamas and holding onto a sketch book gifted to him by Fleamont - he was hoping that by giving Remus a present will show him that he is not going to hurt him.

"Are you ok?" Sirius asked, usually he would have to get up and check on the boy. Rarely would he come in his and James's room this late.

Remus nodded and walked over to the pile of bean bags in the corner. He sat down next to Sirius and opened his sketch book back open. 

"What are you drawing?" 

Remus shook his head. He didn't want to ruin the surprise. 

"Alright then I'll leave you to it. Uh James is in the shower, you may have heard his terrible singing. Bloody tone deaf that guy." Sirius and Remus laughed at that. 

The room went silent as Remus got stuck into his peice of artwork and Sirius going back to scrolling through his phone. 

Sirius looked up from his phone, the dimmed light shadowing parts of his face and intensifying his sharp rigid features. Cheek bones high and prominent, chin knife sharp and strong, grey stormy eyes glistening in the ghost of his past. 

He noticed the little details of how Remus concentrates. The little tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth, lips parted slightly, red and chapped from his constant lip bitting. Chewed finger nails, long and slender, knuckles red also from being rubbed in nervous activity. The forest of freckles that cover the bridge of his nose and cheeks, the curly long amber fringe flopping over and covering the start of a scar that stretches across down to his chin. Remus's puffs of air through his nose in frustration when some line is slightly off and when something doesn't look right.

Sirius notices everything of the boy crouched over a sketch book. Every movement noted and locked in memory, every small detail that would be easily missed at first glance and maybe second and third. Only looking closely enough and surveying the boy with great caution and curiosity. Sirius noticed everything, apart from James entering the room.

"Uh earth to Sirius!" James shouted making him and Remus jump - who again huffed in frustration at a hard pencil line now covering the corner of his art.

"What! And stop singing do badly! I'll get you lessons if you really want to. Please, you are going to break my ears!" Sirius said in annoyance, obviously not wanting to get caught staring.

"Oh shut it. I don't care if I'm bad. I like signing so I'm going to carry on and you can't stop me." James said proudly, sauntering towards the bed with his up most confidence. 

"You alright Remus?" James asked realising now that maybe shouting wasn't the best idea.

Remus looked up slowly, he nodded and went back to his work. He was a little shaken up by the noise but he managed to calm himself down quick enough. He's gotten used to James being loud and not recieving anything afterwards. However, Remus is still weary of it all.

Sirius looked back at the boy, is curiosity to what he is drawing growing by the minute. He so ever wants to see Remus's drawings. The wanting of getting close enough to look and admire at ones personal and secretive art is something that has been pulling and dragging the poor sod for weeks now. Not just Remus's art Sirius wants to know about, it's everything. He wants to be that one person that can make another laugh anytime, make them crumble into a pile of goo. Sirius wants to hear stories of utter nonsense and meaning. Know the ins and outs of Remus Lupin. This ever growing force is strong enough to break his knees. It's been there since the day Sirius found Remus all bruised and battered. 

Sirius would do anything to be able to have Remus open up to him. Anything for Remus to be even more comfortable with him than he is. Anything to have Remus spill secrets, talk madness a stupid o'clock, have the ability to read each others mind. Knowing what the others thinking. 

It's like what he has with James. They know practically everything about one another. Know the ins and outs. Know the secrets. Know the pet-peeves. They're best friends. No. More than that. They're like brothers. An inseparable bond that will be there till the end of the universe, not just till the day they die. 

But what he has with James is nothing compared to what he wants and wishes for with Remus. It's something else entirely. Nothing brotherly or best friend like. It's something more. More than just a sibling love or a friend you could die for. Sirius couldn't last that long with just that with Remus. He wants something different.

Sirius is falling and falling hard. Crushing for a boy more than he has ever done before. He can't stop himself. He knows he can't. He knows it will never happen. But there is also that glimmer of hope somewhere in the future. Maybe, just maybe Remus will be his and he will be Remus's.

The clocked ticked by, reaching past midnight. James fell asleep as soon as he put his head against the pillow. Remus never went back to his room, managing for the first time in forever to fall asleep, he's slumped in the bean bag, sketch book fallen on the floor. 

Sirius, however, is lying awake. His thoughts are hurting his head. He can't sleep with all this going on.

He rolled over to be facing Remus's sleeping body. He could just make him out in the dark. The front house lights shining through the gap of the drawn curtains, landing just in front of him. Lighting up where his sketch book lays. Open.

The bed creaked as he stood up. His cold feet brushing against the carpet. He padded over to the bean bags and knelt down. Carefully and quietly, not to disturb anyone. He didn't want to be caught. 

For the moment he stared at the book. Maybe he shouldn't do this? It is Remus's private things. He didn't want Sirius to see it in the first place. He doesn't need to know though. If he never finds out, maybe Sirius can do it.

He reached out and placed the book on his lap, the light illuminating the pages for him.

It's hard to make out everything but after sometime investigating he's finally able to figure it out.

It's perfectly drawn. It's beautiful. A museum worthy art work. A million pounds worth of time, effort and pencil lines. 

It's him. 

Sirius Blacks portrait. Not by some fancy stuck up painter that his parents has chosen. Instead by someone willing to spend their time perfecting him.

Remus Lupin drew Sirius Black.

Sirius is in shock. He's never seen anything like it. He's lost for words. 

A rustle and a murmur startles him. He places the book back to his it was and looks back up to watch Remus rub his eyes. 

Remus sits up. Staring back at Sirius. He's confused. One he's woken up not because of a nightmare and two because Sirius is right in front of him. Just staring. Not moving. It's kind of creepy if you ask him.

"Sorry, um you er looked uncomfortable. I didn't think sleeping all night on that would be a good thing. Do you want to go to your own bed?" Sirius excused himself with a lie he hoped would work. 

It did as Remus nodded and went to stand up. Grabbing Sirius as he did so.

The two walked in silence to the room next door. Remus leading the way for once. 

"S-sleep w-with me?" Remus asked while pulling back the covers. His voice cracked at the sudden words.

Sirius couldn't stop himself from nodding and uttering the word sure. 

He got in and shuffled over to make room. It was a double bed so there was plenty. Not that either one of them was thinking to use it all. Preferably to cuddle close up.

Remus got in after and layed facing Sirius. The latter already with his eye closed. Somehow, the sleep that didn't budge before hand had swept its way in and turned out the lights inside his head, pushing him towards a much needed sleep.

Remus watched as Sirius's breathing slowed and evened out. Minutes past and he still hadn't let sleep take over. The dress that loomed over him still evidently there, laughing in his wake.

Without much thought, he shuffled himself over. Closer to the warmth he craves. Bringing his head back into the same nook as he had nights before. Knees up close and eyes squeezed closed. 

The two boys stayed in close proximity to one another the whole night with no distractions. Nothing that seemed to wake either one up. Apart from an alarm and another round of dreadful singing from James.

Remus then began to understand that sleeping with Sirius - something he has longed for since the first day - helps him and keeps the monsters at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I've started school again so updates will take longer then they have been. Sorry about that.
> 
> Anyways hope you enjoyed this little chapter. I guess it's fluffy??


	11. Chapter 11 - the light outside is too bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such an idiot. I had written this chapter a while ago but forgot to publish it. 
> 
> Also this is more of a filler. Nothing really happens apart from Remus starting school.
> 
> Anyways enjoy x

**Remus POV**

This morning was all a blur. A merge of a routine I have gotten into. 

But last night. 

I remember that. I remember him staring at me. I remember cuddling up too him. I remember peeking glances at him. Drawing the details one would sure have missed if didn't look closely. I remember. 

It felt so right. 

I was so warm and giddy. I was flying high. Above the earth and through the moon and stars. Through the dancing lights shining down on a wonder I didn't know I could handle.

But I did and if couldn't have loved it more. 

Now I'm in the back of Euphemia's car, Sirius beside me and James up front. The radio is playing, I don't listen. I'm tuning it out. I don't want to listen to anything if I can. Just rather stay under the covers with him. 

I'm not sure how school will be. Surely everyone would recognise me. I'm not sure how I'll handle it.

They'll tell me when I'm there how it will all work out. 

I just don't want to breakdown in front of everyone. I don't want to be noticed. I don't want to be patronised. Acted like a little child. Just because of what happened. Being in that therapy room is bad enough. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want help. I don't need it. I'm doing just fine. 

I think I'm doing fine.

I feel a warm hand on my own. It's Sirius. He's smiling at me. I can't help but return it. 

Sirius said he'll be there. He will help me. He has too. Nothing bad will happen if he's with me. 

He doesn't say anything though, he doesn't need too. I can just feel the reassurance coming off him. 

We arrived a few minutes later, annoyingly James and Sirius couldn't be there for the meeting with the headmaster, instead having to go to tutor. 

Well that's just great isn't it?

Me and Euphemia are walking up a path that has bushes of weird smelling bushes surrounded by a low brick wall. I brush my had against them and pluck a few of the buds out, playing with them as my nerves pick up.

There's some students hanging around, talking to their friends. Or staring at me. I'm not too sure. I'm too afraid to look up and check which one. Most likely staring at me. It's not everyday you have a kid like me come to your school.

At least I've got my own school uniform. Fleamont managed to buy me some instead of having to wear either James's or Sirius's old uniform. I would have looked so much worse if I did.

We entre the main reception, the sliding doors close behind us with a screech. There's loads of awards, trophies and different prices of certification all along the walls. A blue leather, most probably squeaky, seating area and an empty vending machine. 

There's a circular desk that sits right up against the wall. Double doors beside that with a lock and key pad.

It's quite.

It's just us.

I feel out of place. It's like I'm not meant to be here. I don't think I am. 

There's one old looking man sitting at the desk, slowly typing away at a dusty keyboard. 

His eyes dart towards me. Staring deeply in my soul. His eyes are dark and lifeless, like all his happiness had been sucked out. 

They are probably like mine. Expect the colour of course. Mine are light brown or hazel if you want to get accurate. But the shine disappeared long ago. I'm scared it'll never return.

I gulp nervously before side stepping to be behind the protection of Euphemia. She has this glow of safety that circles around her. Nothing bad will happen if you are near her. She'll come to save you. 

"Hi, I'm Euphemia Potter with Remus Lupin. We are here to see Albus." She says at the man. He just nods and presses a green button.

The once locked doors clicking open to reveal a long narrow corridor that seem to have an endless supply of its own doors. 

Euphemia states her thanks and starts to walk down the corridor. I take one last look at the old man before speed walking away from his glares. 

It sends shivers down my spine. I don't want to see him everyday. I'm not sure how long I'll last if I do.

We end up stopping at the end of the not so never ending corridor. It honestly looked longer then it is.

A plaque is screwed on with the words 'Albus Dumbledore, headmaster' burned in. Much more cheap then the therapists one. 

Euphemia knocks and opens the door after a come in is heard.

This office is different. Strange in fact. The walls are covered in books and paintings, noise making machines and small ornaments. The paintings are definitely expensive. Complicated works of art. More award's are also attached to the white painted walls, where there is space. It's all full, every nook and cranny has got some item placed in it. Whether they are useful or not is another question.

"Ah Euphemia, take a seat. You too Remus. We have much to discus."

Another old man is sitting behind another - but slightly smaller - curved desk. This time he's smiling and has thousands of happy memories fluttering inside his blue eyes. Dumbledore - I presume that is his name - is wearing the most colourful suit I've ever laid my eyes on. Flowers of every type, size and colour are printed out onto the silk that is fitted to his body. A long white beard reaches near to the bottom of his suit jacket had bits of daisy's and Lilys tied to it.

This is some excentic man. I've never seen anyone just like it.

I sit on the chair that was shown to me. I don't want to seem rude and get punished by keeping staring so I look done at my shoes and keep my eyes locked at my neatly tied laces and polished leather.

"It's great to finally meet you Remus. Now you may be wondering how everything is going to work. Yes?" He says calmly. 

I nod and continue to look down. Fidling with my thumbs I take deep breaths. 

"I assure you, everything is planned out. Nothing to fear my young boy. I've given you in this packet a map, timetable and a little booklet that gives a run down on the school. For now, you won't need to know where your classes are as you will be staying in Edison."

I look up confused. 

"Ah right, I'll explain. Because of previous happenings it is of my best interest to keep you safe. Physically and mentally. I've spoken to numerous people about your well-being I have decided that it is better for you to be carefully introduced to this new environment. So that being said we will be keeping you in Edison, a specially catered place that helps students that need extra support. Only for the time being of course, after you've settled in and after you have gotten better. Then you can join the others."

Right, ok. That explains it. In a very detailed and dictionary way. This is one very strange man. A strange man with an even stranger way of explaining a very simple confusion. 

I nod and put my head back down. 

"Do you have any questions Remus? Or can I show you around."

I don't look up just shake my head. 

I don't really have anything to ask. 

I'm not sure of what I don't know to do so.

"Well then, Mrs Potter do you have any questions?"

"No, I think I've got everything. Thank you very much Albus. I'm sorry Remus, I'll have to leave early. I come back to pick you up. Have a nice day dear."

What? Already? No, she can't just leave. I trusted her to protect me. Why did I think she would stay? I knew she would never. But I got my hopes up instead. 

She gets up, pat's my shoulder and leaves. 

I don't watch her go. I don't watch to make myself even more disappointed. I made a stupid mistake. I will learn not to do that next time. If there will ever be a next time.

"Very well then. Would you like to follow me Remus"

Dumbledore stands up and holds the door we came through open. I slowly get up myself and walk over past him. 

I don't know why I'm so scared but it feels like something is going to go wrong. Now that Sirius and Euphemia are out of site, I'm not going to be protected.

I'm not really concentrating on where we are heading. Thank goodness I have a map. 

"Right, here we are Remus. Now we are going to meet another teacher called Mrs Cook. She will be helping you throughout your stay with us."

I don't say anything, nod and sit on a chair in another room that Dumbledore had shown me.

This room is like a rainbow had thrown up a zoo. I'm not sure what it's supposed to be but it's making me sick. At least there are bean bags in here. I've rather taken a liking to them.

It doesn't take long before Mrs Cook has entered the room. Well I think it's Mrs Cook. 

She's short and has shoulder length curly black hair. Nearly as nice as Sirius's hair. I say nearly because his is obviously way better. Her clothes are much more toned down than the headmasters. Just a simple top and jeans. 

"Hello, you must be Remus. As you may have been told I'm Mrs Cook."

I should say we talk but I don't. I write everything down that I am willing to say on a whiteboard again. 

The conversation is pretty simple. Mrs Cook is asking which lessons I like and what I don't. What I'm good at, what I'm not. How I cope with things. What could make my life here at school better. All of that and a load more rubbish.

But I never let out a peep. 

I can't. It feels like something is stopping me. I've only ever said a few words and that was too Sirius. I'm not sure how I'll survive at school without talking. I don't want people to make fun of me but perhaps they won't notice me if I don't make any sound. 

Yeah that's right. If I don't make any sound nothing bad will happen. That's what I learnt from Greyback. 

Jeez. I haven't thought about him in ages. I guess that's I good thing. Him and his gang have been caught. I guess that's another good thing. 

Mrs Cook leaves to sort something out and now I'm stuck in this god awful room by myself.

I don't know what to do. There is nothing to do. 

She said that I don't have any work to do today. So there's now Ork to occupy my thoughts. There's not a single book in here. I should have brought one. 

Stupid mistake. I'll remember to bring one next time.

A knock and a few whispers can be heard from outside. My rain of thought is interrupted by none other than Sirius Black opening the door.

My face lights up in a smile as he smiles back at me. One hand is full of food and I can smell something sweet.

"Hey Remus. It's break so I thought it would be the bestest idea I've ever had to come and see you. Here have some cake."

He hands me some cake that looks like lemon drizzle. It's sticky but good enough for my liking.

Sirius comes to sit next to me. We are in a silence that I deem comfortable. 

I feel all warm inside. All mushy and gooey. I'm happy that he has been thinking about me. I'm glad he likes me enough to come visit me.

"I've only had two lessons but it feels like I've been here for bloody hours."

I rest my head on his shoulder and chuckle under my breath. He's never been one to sit still for longer than 20 minutes. Always moving around and changing his kind on what to do.

"Boring." Is what I find myself saying.

"Mmm indeed. So are you going to be in here for your lessons."

I nod. 

I'm surprised at his reaction. It's like I talk all the time when I do manage to say something. He never makes a big deal over it. I haven't figured out whether thats a good thing or not.

I getting more attached to Sirius by the day. I don't think that's a good thing. Definitely not. I can't stop myself though. He's just so perfect. He's so nice to me and caring. He doesn't seem to care about what I am. He's staying with me by choice.

Well I hope he's choosing to be my friend. I hope Sirius doesn't leave me when he realises just how much of a monster I really am.

I know he will. Everybody will one day. No one wants to be friends with someone like me.

But it's something good I can long for and keep hold of. Whether it's going to happen or not. At least the thought is there.


	12. Chapter 12 - so not a twin then

**Remus POV**

Its now October 24th. Two weeks since I started school. Two weeks since I started my weekly therapy sessions with Poppy. I have to say I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would. I haven't been talking as much as teachers have liked me too but I'm getting there. I guess it takes longer than they thought, then we all thought. Other than that minor set back everything's going smoothly. Well as smoothly as one can take it. Still having frequent nightmares and panic attacks but with Sirius and sometimes James by my side I'm ploughing through it. I'm trying my best and I'm pretty sure I'm getting a lot out of it. Just have to continue this and I'll be well on my way to getting better.

I know its too soon to be how I was before but its something to wish for.

They still haven't found someone for me to live more permanently, I'm actually glad about that. I'll miss the Potters, I'll miss Sirius. The comfort and warmth that's always there, I've gotten used to everything there. I've found that Fleamont won't hurt me how I think he might. Its taken my a while but I've settled in well. So when I eventually move I'm going to go back to my old ways. Back to the scared little me, back to me who is always uncomfortable. I don't know whats wrong with me. I want to change, I need to change, I have to change. Its for the greater good. I can't let down everyone now, I can't go back on getting better. I just can't.

We're on out way to school. I'm still working in the overly bright small room, up in Edison. I don't mind that at all, Mrs Cooks alright too. But I do want to be normal like the other children and go to class. It gets lonely and even though Sirius tries to come see me at Lunch and break sometimes he doesn't. Thats the worse part; waiting for him, anticipating his appearance but never getting it. I know he can't see me all day every day, it's selfish for me to think that, I can't help it. I try, I will.

"Have a good day boys! And please stay out of trouble." Euphemia called through the window as the three of us walked away and through the main gates which are rusted green.

I waved goodbye to Sirius, James and the rest of their friend group departing up the teachers stair way to Edison. I'm greeted by Ms Laney who I'm getting accustomed too seeing walking around, she looks angry and cross but actually is sweet and kind. I'm still not used to it, I'm getting there though.

I ring my hands through one another and breathe deep in and out as I prepare myself for feeling relaxed and not anxious. It takes me a few minutes to steady myself, I'm getting used to the ways of dealing with stress and panic attacks; all taught to me by Poppy. Her ideas and plan really to work wonders for me, I'm really improving. Well, that's what she told Euphemia last Friday. That brought me a spark of joy, I was smiling and in one of my better moods for the rest of the day. 

I finally open my eyes and open the door. 

I do a double take and see what looks like Sirius. The boys features are similar. Eyes same stormy grey, same sharp jawline, same twitching mouth turning into the same crooked smile that shows little gaps in his teeth, same pale skin complexion. The hairs different though, posture too. This boy has short, neatly pressed hair with what looks like boxed dyed dark red tips. And his back is more straightened up, perfect and precise. Hands neatly folded in his lap. I notice another difference between both boys, this one has a septum and cartilage piercing, silver rings that loop round. 

I stare and he stares back.

Another difference. His voice. Not as smooth and strong as Sirius. More croaking and stammer. Its like how I sound when I manage to talk. 

"Uh Hi, I'm..I'm Regulus. Have..have I got your..your room?"

I nod but neither of us makes a move to leave or sit down. 

"Sorry, I er Mrs Cook, said..said it was ok. She helps..helps you too?"

I nod again. 

I hear footsteps behind me and immediately know they are hers. The same thump thump.

"Oh Remus, didn't see you come in. I know I should have told you before and talked through it but for now you and Regulus have to share this room."

Share? Why can't have my own room? Is this a punishment? Seems a bit strange. 

I don't say anything, obviously, and take a seat on the table on the other side that Regulus is. 

"I've got your work here Regulus, I'm just going to get yours now Remus. If you need anything you know where to go."

Regulus slowly got started with some maths work and I just got out a book. It was quiet and awkward until he spoke.

"I'm..I'm Sirius's younger brother. Year 8. You..you staying with him..him and James?"

I look up. He's somehow also concentrating on his work. How am I meant to respond when he's not even looking?

I rummage in my bag, trying to find the nearly full note pad. I scribble Remus and yes. Sliding the pad towards him. He finally looks up, reads it and nods. 

"We text a lot. He..he told me about you. He..he likes you. I mean..mean he enjoys helping you and and he's just really proud of you."

Now that surprises me. My eyes wide with shock. Sirius has been talking about me? Why? and why does he think that about me. Proud? He doesn't know another Remus does he. 

"I miss him. Since..since he left mother, mother hasn't been the the nicest. Hard without him. Dad and I are closer though. He..he let me dye my hair and and get the piercings. Thats..that's why I'm here because of... her."'

I nod, not really knowing what to say or rather write.

"She..she flipped when she found out. Dad got bollocked and I, and I. She went full rage. I'm fine now. Just just need some help that's all."

I scribble down the word sorry but he just shakes his head and wipes his eyes. 

"It's not your fault. Looks you have your work now."

Regulus put his head back down, continuing the maths while Mrs Cook come in and gives me some Chemistry to do, asking if we are ok before leaving.

We sat in a sort of comfortable silence. 

It's strange really. Apart from Sirius, I've never been this calm in the presence of a new person before. Usually I'm either hyperventilating or gazing of into the distance distracting myself from how bad I am at talking and communicating, sometimes rudely staring at them trying to figure out what they want from me. I try to act normal but as you know things have changed. It could be because they are brothers. It could be because he looks similar to Sirius. That's probably it. Regulus doesn't look how he sounds or acts. It's quite similar to how I do. Except to the less extreme, I think anyway. He told me a little bit about why he's here. I guess for reassurance or something. Come to think of it, I have wondered why Sirius was living with the Potters too, never felt right to ask. Always like I'm intruding.

Maybe I should. Sirius knows about me (well everyone knows about me) aside from that he's constantly helping me and wanting to make sure I'm alright. Maybe I should do the same for him. Now I just feel selfish. I should have been better at being there for him ages ago, returning the favour. Returning the helpfulness he's been showing me since he found me under the bushes. I'm such an idiot for not reciprocating. Sirius might hate me now. Ugh what have I done! Again, I've messed up. 

The time ticked away and my ever increasing thumpering thoughts grew louder and stronger.

I really should start being a better person and not only focusing on my own wellbeing. I like Sirius, more than I think is necessary, and I definitely don't want him thinking I'm into staying with him because I want him to constantly help me. No! I could never do that, that's selfish of me. I should start helping others more often, I can't just expect everyone to instantly be nice to me. I need to show where I stand in this world. I need to show what I'm capable of doing. This is another thing I need to do to get better. This is getting to be a rather long list I never thought I needed but alas I do.

Before I knew it the bell went to single the start of break.

"Do..do you stay in here?" Regulus asked. Did Sirius not tell him he visits me in here?

I nod.

"I'm going to stay too."

I nod again.

"Is it hard not talking?"

I look towards the younger boy. He's pulling on his cartilage ring. I've never been asked that. Surprising really.

I write down not really, sometimes though I really try and want to but I'm used to it.

And it's true. I do try. I do want to talk. That's what normal people do and I want to be normal. Who doesn't?

"Sometimes I don't want to talk, just hide and stay out of peoples way."

I look back at Regulus and noticed how he stopped stammering over his words. That's the other thing I recognised is that he doesn't like to talk. It's more of his choice not too though. I can't talk. That's the difference. 

"I know we have different reasons but I understand. I know you have Sirius but you have me as well."

Just before I could reply or nod a knock was sounded and I knew instantly who it was. The only person who ever thinks to knock.

"Heya Re. Reg? Reg! What are you doing here? I haven't, oh my god!" 

The two brothers hugged tightly. 

Regulus said they had texted but since they go to the same school why cant they see eachother then? More questions which are rattling my brain.

"God I've missed you! What are you doing here reg?"

"It um I don't, er..er mother."

"Oh what has she done! That great old bat has not-"

"Siri please its, it's good now. School, school is helpful and dad he's he's amazing. I'm good."

I could see Sirius physically relax, his shoulders relieved of tension that was surely building up quickly.

"I'll leave you two alone, don't want to break any habits."

Regulus then sent the same lob sided grin as earlier before leaving the room. Sirius then came to sit next to me, placing down a packet of crisps on the table.

"How was today so far?"

"G-good." My voice croaked and the word scraped across my throat. It was like it was holding a knife. 

"I'm happy you met Reg."

I nodded and Sirius then went on to explain numerous adventures and old time memories him and his brother had been on. 

I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed, closing my eyes and breathing the homely smell that always lingered on him.

I really wanted to ask Sirius questions. I really wanted to find out more about him. I really wanted to tell him everything I love about him. I really want to be there for him whenever just like he is for me.

He's always going to be here and I'm always going to here too. From now on I'm going to make sure Sirius and everyone else is happy and well. Maybe Sirius a bit more but it's what I need to do. 

I've figured that out and I can't break my one promise now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey reader.
> 
> How am I doing? Are you liking it? 
> 
> I like how I made Regulus look, the smart neat look and then the dyed hair and piercings. Hope you liked it too, and his new found friendship.


	13. Chapter 13 - just need to understand that's all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, memories of past abuse

Sirius had never been more confused and frustrated in his life. Sure he's had crushes on boys before and maybe stared to long at some in particular to get the rumours spreading but it's never been like this. He wasn't even sure he was actually gay or just believed what the nosey pricks were saying about him. Now he understands that he is gay. That the rumours were true. And that his family hates him for it. Apart from Regulus, possibly his uncle Alphard and his cousin Andromeda. Now though things have gotten out of hand, helping Remus recover is making his love for the boy grow and blossom into a marvelously gigantic flower. A beautiful array of different sizes and colours that never stop poking and prodding. 

Sirius doesn't know what to do. How is he meant to deal with all this? He can't exactly go up to Remus and tell him how he feels. No. That wouldn't work, that would just ruin everything. He doesn't even know if Remus likes boys like that. He might just be as straight as the straightest line in the world. With no bumps, cracks or curves that give a single glimpse of possiblity for the boy to even think about liking Sirius. 

It hurt to know that this was unrequited love. A one sided over bareing, heart throbbing massacre of emotions. A ride of uncertainty and stupid thoughts and dreams that will and forever lead no where. A dead end future. It hurt to look into those hazel eyes, hurt to cradle the shaking body, heart to watch his hand move across a sketch book, a delicacy of images that are sacred. Everything hurt and Sirius had nothing do help with the sickening pain.

All his friends knew that he was gay. They all had their suspicions even before the rumours. All Sirius did was send them a simple I'm gay text and left it at that. It was much easier and less nerve racking then saying it upfront. Even now he's unsure about his sexuality but with the new and soaring high crush it's bringing the truth alight.

"Sirius stop staring." James bored tone brought him out of his thoughts.

"W-what?"

"Are you alright?"

"Oh um yeah, sure yeah I'm all good."

James didn't believe this one bit. He would be a fool for believing that his best friend was alright. He would be he worse friend in the century and James certainly was not that. He could tell that Sirius was not his usual self with the constant spacing off and traveling to his own dream world, the fiddling with the ends of his jumpers and he hems of his t-shirts so by the end of it threads were loose. Sirius was more jittery, legs bouncing, eyes twitching and the forgetting that he needs to concentrate so being called upon would send him in a spiral of stutters. 

"No."

"No?" 

"You aren't alright. Now tell me what's bothering you."

Sirius looked up from where he was sitting on edge of James's bed. The other boy was leaning against a mountain of cushions trying to read the book assigned to him for English.

"I told you nothing is wrong."

"That's complete and utter bullshit. And you know it."

Sirius huffed and went back to looking out the window. The sun just managing to peep through the grey clouds which looked like they were going to spill any time soon.

"Sirius I just want to make sure you are ok. I don't like seeing you like this."

Sirius ignored the constant pestering of the boy sitting to the side of him. How was he meant to tell him that he's in love with Remus? He was ok with him being gay but how will he react with this new information?

"I know you like him."

"What? Who?"

"Remus. I can tell. It's not that hard really."

"I, I mean, I don't. I er-"

"Look it's fine. You two work together. It's cute. You're cute."

Sirius blushed and looked away, head in his knees. He didn't need this. 

"Shut up."

"Ha nope. I'm telling you, it's all true."

"Can we just change the subject? When are you going out with Evans?"

"Alright alright, she's only just left. Be here in a good 10 minutes."

Sirius sighed and continued to stare longingly out the window. He wished that he could understand what he was feeling, he wished that Remus could possibly feel the same way. 

A cautious Remus Lupin knocked on the shared bedroom door and peered in through the slight gap he made. He always did this, the same carefulness in his steps, the same slow and almost angelic movements. An animal like instinct that's he adopted in his fearful nature.

"Heya Remus. You all good." James asked noticing the boy peering round.

He nodded and walked in padding across the room to sit next to Sirius. They both smiled fondly at one another, both oblivious to each others love for the other. 

Remus shuffled down to have his head resting on Sirius's lap. He breathed deeply as Sirius started to play with his hair. 

"She's here. See you later." James announced, patting his jean pockets.

"Yeah see ya, remember protection!"

James just smirked and winked before shutting the door.

"You alright?" 

Remus nodded and turned his body round so his eyes were locked onto Sirius's. He reached one hand up and felt his face, running his fingers along his soft skin, over the bridge of his nose and around his lips.

Sirius's breath hitched and in that moment he forgot how to act normal. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it or it was actually happening. His mouth went dry as Remus continued to trace the features of his face. 

"A-are you alright?" Remus whispered still staring into those secret hidden eyes.

"Mmm, yeah."

"W-why are y-you here?"

"You want me to go?"

Remus smiled and shook head. He dropped his hand and began playing with Sirius's that has stopped playing with his hair. It was smooth, like he had put cream on. Not rough like Remus's own.

"At James's. Not home?"

Sirius gulped now understanding the question. He can't blame Remus for being curious. It was bound to come about soon but maybe it's too soon.

"Oh um well it's complicated. My old mother kicked me out at the end of school last year."

"Why?"

"She um didn't like, we just didn't get on. Found out I was something she didn't like and well decided it would be better for me to not be in her presence."

Remus nodded, sitting up to straddle Sirius and give him possibly the biggest hug he had given since everything went wrong. Head rested back in the crook of his neck, arm wrapped round his waist. Warmth and safety was all that Sirius felt in this moment. He couldn't help himself but get a little tearful. He tried to hold them in but escaped tear droplets trickled down him cheeks.

"W-what was the, the s-something." Remus whispered sending a shiver down Sirius's spine. 

"I er, I don't. Um." 

It's not like he doesn't want to tell Remus. He does. He wants the boy to know. Wants him to understand and if by any chance he likes him back then either he could make the first move or they could talk it out. It's just, it's just complicated. Just slightly more confusing then need be.

Remus's eyes snapped open. He's realised now how pushy he has be with all those questions. It's the first time he's spoken properly in a while and that's what he comes out with? Interrogation into something so personal and sensitive as this? What was he thinking? He wasn't. He wasn't and was careless. Throwing around question after question, delving deeper into a past with unwanted memories.

Pulling himself off of Sirius and standing up fast, making himself dizzy with the blood rushing to his head. He fiddled with his hands, breathing becoming quicker, eyes scanning the area around. The techniques for helping with panic attacks deciding now not to work. Remus then landed his eyes on Sirius's. He's been crying. He's been crying and it's his fault. He's caused this. Now he's going to be punished. Punished for his stupidity and inhability to shut up.

"Remus?"

He shook his head. Starting to walk backwards until he bumped into the desk chair that wasn't tucked under the table. Falling hard on the floor and knocking his head with a thump.

Tears sprung in his eyes. Bringing his hands to cradle his head he felt a sore lump begin to form. 

"Remus, are you alright?"

_Remus was thrown against the hard concrete floor. Kicked in the ribs and spat on like a piece of dirt._

_"And stop whining!" A rumbling voice boomed._

_Shuddering under another grasp to his collar, Remus was once again thrown against the wall. Sliding down into a pile of bruses and aching bones._

"Remus, hey it's ok. It's ok, breathe Remus. Just breathe. That's it. Good. It's all ok. You're safe here."

Sirius stroked Remus's hair and cradled him in his lap as the crying ceased. 

Still shaking by the time he opened his eyes, Remus was greeted by the same pair of eyes he thought he caused pain for just moments before. Again reaching up to wipe away tears that have been left.

Sirius chuckled at the caring nature of the boy. After everything he's been through, he still makes sure people around him are ok. Whether that was what he was like before or something beginning after the torture set. Sirius doesn't know whether that's a good thing but he lets Remus take care of him when need be. It's a rare sight for Sirius letting others take care but both boys are slowly getting used to the fact that they need help too.

"I'm sorry." Remus whispered again.

"What for?"

"M-making you upset."

"Don't worry, it wasn't you who did that. Just, just hard to talk about."

"Mmm." Remus nodded and breathed in the scent that calmed him down always. The same scent he could never quite work out what it was. A mixture of deodorant, whatever Euphemia uses to wash clothes and something peculiar that Remus had become attached to.

"Let's move onto something more comfortable shall we?"

Remus rolled off Sirius's lap and carefully stood up, checking to be sure of nothing in his way. The two made their way over to Sirius's bed which was of to the side of James's. Remus hesatently, with the reassurance nod from Sirius, layed his head gently on the pillow. 

Cuddling was what they were used to. At first it was a shock to both boys systems. After sleepless nights, they got the hang of being close enough to hear another's racing heartbeats. Being so used to each others presence, it was hard to go a day without getting close to feel the warmth of skin or the softness of hair.

It wasn't late but somehow Sirius and Remus feel asleep to the soft hum that played around the room.


	14. Chapter 14 - there's no hiding that blush

Friday was a pretty miserable day. Rain showered heavily down for near enough the whole 12 hours the sun had been up, grey ugly clouds hung low threatening to release what has been building up on unsuspecting children who ran and jumped in puddles, an icy wind blew and chilled the tips of fingers making red noses and cheeks a common occurrence among people willing to venture out into the gloomy atmosphere outside.

However, mother nature's plans for this Fridays hadn't dampened Remus's spirits - only his hair and socks. He had a relatively quiet night, only waking up to howling and barking of stray dogs that lingered in the Potters garden. School was as ordinary as ever. Regulus still making an appearance in the same multi-coloured room, still doing time-stretching boring old school work, sitting in confusion for most of the day. Remus was in a good mood and going to see Poppy that evening wasn't going to change that.

Him and Euphemia were sitting in the safe inhabitants of the car. Radio playing some random 60s song that Remus was quite enjoying, heaters blasting out hot air and the constant whistling of the wind. The two rolled up the park outside of the therapy house and were put into a silence.

"I'll be picking you up in two hours, I can't go with you today, I've got some work I need to sort out. You can go straight in Poppy will be expecting you."

Remus nodded and took his time in getting out of he car. Taking one last look at Euphemia, getting a comforting and encouraging smile, a deep breath for his own reassurance. 

He felt the crunch and snap of fallen twigs and leaves underneath his feet, the cold annoying splash of dirty puddles bouncing off the his bare ankles, the harsh wind blowing in his face -stinging his cheeks. He could hear the blood pumping around his body, heart thumping and racing; losing a battle that was never prepared for. Feel the rush of a strange and unusual adrenaline being dispersed around his head. It's nothing he's felt recently. Sure he knew the feeling but that was a long time ago. Now it was like welcoming an old friend, greeting one another with half smiles and awkward hugs. Remus knew he liked the feeling of independence. Even if it was only a short one. The walk between the car and the front door was enough to give him a sense of himself. Being able to be trusted to do this without someone watching him with beady eagle eyes, instead increased the leash tied around his neck. 

This was definitely something he could get used to. He couldn't explain it. He couldn't explain why now he felt the thrill of being let out into the world alone. It wasn't even that big of a deal. But when you've been kept locked away, damaged and broken, manipulated, something as simple and quick as this brings a new light that's brighter then the old. 

Remus walked through the front door and made his way to what he knew was the entrance to where he and Poppy had their 2 hour chats. 

He never felt like he needed to talk to someone to get better. Never made a piece of his shattered mind a thought to how well he was doing just by another simple task of talking. Even if he wrote everything down instead and opening his mouth to express what has been bubbling up to a raging storm that could break a whole town apart, all would be left is rubble. He still found what he and Poppy did helpful. Her attention to detail and way of explaining confusing information seemingly made this weekly chat much easier and less of a bore that would leave Remus in fits of worry. She gave him physical activities that would help calm him down, distract him from the awful rememberable nightmares that regularly played back on loop, like a broken record player. Old and misused, fragile and somewhat beyond repair. An antique of sorts. And this very help given to him with kindness and clarity was all that he was grateful for. 

Now understanding that it was for the better, a useful 2 hours that granted him a freedom like none other and the joys of being out of the dark once more. 

"Good morning Remus. Take a seat. Now how was your week been?"

It went like this for a good 30 minutes. As the routine the pair have gotten into. Talking about how eachother have been getting on during the week. Poppy asking all sorts of questions that really have nothing much to do with the topic on hand. Another way of bringing out the good and wanted. A little thing the Poppy most enjoys. She loves hearing about her patients weeks. What they have been get up too, what food they have had, the show they have most recently come to like. 

Remus answered in the most familiar way; with a whiteboard and pen. His messy and just barely readable scribble of an attempt of handwriting wrote in utmost detail of little things that pleased him, tiny things that to most people would have gone unnoticed and uncared for. About his new favourite dinner, which was now a chicken pasta bake homemade than none other then James and Sirius themselves. His new found friendship with Regulus, something he never expected to flow so nicely like a stream of water that no obstacle wishes to detour or slow down. Simple and practical. How his new book smells funny and the writing text is different from his previous reads, getting new trainers that squeak loudly on the hardwood polished floors, his now untamable hair caught up in a endless supply of curls. 

Anything and everything he wrote down, answering questions with thought to forget about the nightmarish monsters that still fed upon the poor boy. 

"That seems like a very good week. Now how have you been getting along with sleep?" Poppy was fascinated with how this one child could write so much about a normal week, nothing out of the ordinary yet something totally different and unique feel into words breathlessly, creating a pathway to a world with no fault and just. 

The image of him and Sirius curled up with one another on his and Sirius's beds waltz right splat bang in the middle of his memories. Both their bodies intertwined, heat emitting, head resting of shoulders and slow rising chests, gentle stroking of hair to calm a shaking boy, eyes staring unknown to be lovingly up towards the others. 

A blush crept up his cheeks as he recalled the previous nights. But only slightly as Poppy hadn't noticed.

Writing down only a few bad sleeps but most went well, Remus sighed as he longed for that same closeness to the smaller boy he attached too.

"Hows making friends? You've told me about Regulus and I know about James and Sirius. Is there anyone else?"

Remus thought for a moment, there weren't any others that came to mind. Maybe one day he could get to know the rest of James and Sirius's group, possibly even any of Regulus's friends. Though he did say they were a bad influence, he was just forced to hang out with them. They can't be that bad, can they? He's heard snippets of Regulus's family views and decided it was better just to steer clear for the time being. So he came to a conclusion, they were it.

He shook his head looking down in embarrassment. It was hard talking and communicating let alone doing so to make friends and he rarely saw anyone else that looked interested enough in him, except the odd times Lily, Marlene and Dorcas he recalled James telling him their names were, waved and smiled. The words just clogged up in his mouth, sizzling with anticipation to be used and heard to the world. The constant fear of saying something wrong that could end him up battered and bruised still called Remus's mind home.

"Thats alright. I think you have made excellent progress for the short time you've been recovering, still got a long way to go yet but we will get there!" Poppy looked hopeful, as she should. Remus's progress has been going quicker than expected considering the circumstances, however, she thought positively about it had prayed that it stayed in a happy upwards spiral. You can never tell how quickly someone can go into relapse, there's the signs of course but it happens in a crash of thunder and a crackle of lightning that counting just doesn't help. A quickening evil rising above the torch woods below, a kingdom of dark and hate. Locked in by iron walls, worse than ever before. Something so simple can set a chain of unwanted reactions but Poppy knew in all her time in helping people she knew that it's best to think with a positive mindset.

"Now how is everything with Sirius, is he helping you still?"

Remus smiled slightly at the thought of being cuddled up with Sirius, him always being there, at the ready. Now this time the blush spreading like wildfire across his cheeks and scared nose was caught by Poppy. Hardly could miss it if you ask me.

"Mmm I see."

Remus looked up to see Poppy smiling knowingly at him. He instantly felt the heat rising up his neck embarrassed once more. He sunk down into the plushie soft chairs, hiding his warm face in the sleeves of his overly large jumper. His grown out fringe covering his eyes blocking out the light and securing his safety under sheeps wool and a mess of curls. A whine escaped his lips in frustration and annoyance. He could just make out Poppy's try to stifle laugh. A groan then escaped Remus's mouth. He hated being laughed at, always had been, always will be. That certainly hasn't changed.

"Alright sorry, I'll stop. Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus violently shook his head. He definitely did not want to talk about something as wrong and humiliating as that, it was hard enough to keep everything in at the best of times. He couldn't just admit his love for his savour! He couldn't. Sirius was just being nice and taking pity on him. He wouldn't like him that way too, would her? No. He couldn't, that's a stupid thought. Even stupider than his therapist wanting to find the scoop of his crush! His therapist for goodness sakes! Yes he was meant to talk to her and tell her things but not _that_.

"Okay, just know you can tell me anything about it. Now time to practice the new techniques we have been working on."

And they continued as if that moment never happened, passing it as if on the motorway, speeding past the fields and random houses that pop up here and there, just something you paint no attention too. Nothing to capture on your black canvas. Remus was thankful for that. Now coming out of his shield and breathing deeply in and out on a regular count of 4,7 and 8. 

The rest of the hour passed by. More questions asked focusing on old and most likely repressed memories. Poppy carefully finding out more that trigger Remus's panic attacks and PTSD. Especially the topic of his parents death. Lyall and Hope Lupin received a public funeral and remembrance plaques on all their art museums. All while the search for the lost lupin was on going. Remus hasn't thought much about his parents, knowing they arent just in the other room or on an important auctions terrifies him. He hasn't even brought up the courage to see their graves, instead opting to wait until he goes to retrieve his left belongings at their cottage in the valleys of Wales. Most of it is already packed as they were due to move after their holiday so he thinks it would be quicker and easier to visit. Remus feels selfish about waiting but he just can't, not right now anyway. Everyone around him supports him on his decisions but there's always that nipping voice telling him otherwise. 

Euphemia came to collect Remus up at 8 sharp like she said she would, relieved that she kept her word, Remus waved goodbye to Poppy and clambered into the car. 

Once they ended up back home he went straight up to James and Sirius's room to watch whatever videogame they decided to play tonight. He liked that they let him watch and not join in, he would love to play with them. Not yet, just waiting and someday.

Someday everything will to near enough back to normal. It has to. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, hope you enjoyed this update. It's going slower than I thought it would but we are getting insights to Remus and Sirius's feelings which I love writing and hope you love reading about too. 
> 
> Comments are much appreciated, so please if you want to say anything go right ahead, whether it's critical or something positive, I love to hear from you x
> 
> Thank you and have great weekend!


	15. Chapter 15 - when it all just comes back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, memories of past abuse, swearing.
> 
> Reminder, please if i miss an trigger warnings let me know so I can add them. Thank you and enjoy.

Everything was going smoothly, everything was good, everything actually seemed better. The past week Remus was the happiest he's ever felt. Life just seemed like a dream; perfect in every way. Maybe it was a dream, maybe it was all in his head. But that didn't stop Remus from having a smile painted gracefully every morning that past week. 

He snuck into Sirius's bed and had the best nights he's ever remembered having. Slightly dreamless sleeps; nightmares that into make him shudder and curl up tighter into himself and Sirius. Going to school and enjoying the 'chats' with Regulus about his favourite books and films and music. They both have very similar tastes in all. Making himself useful around the Potters home; helping in cooking and cleaning and with the work he understood while James and Sirius didn't. Having his alone time in the peace he deserves; not worrying and fretting, not contemplating and dissolving in bad memories, just living in the moment of different realms and worlds of the pages in his books. 

He still had his moments where one does. Scaring himself silly, shaking under another's touch, twitching eyes for a man locked far away. That is until a warm hand was placed gently on his shoulder. A hand the reached out into depths of unknown and uncertainty, grasping firmly and pulling him back into the real world with a smile shining through. Sirius would always be there. Never to far away, always in exactly the right proximity to lay that ever so important hand on his shoulder. 

Remus was glad that this past week was good but he knew that all good things must come to an end. This will not surely last forever. He now understood that nothing ever did. With his parents gone, hometown miles away, a lingering bitter taste in the back of his mouth, memories that seemed to never want to leave. Everything and yet nothing was good. It will always end up leaving a sour flavour on his tongue. It will never last. The happiness he has been feeling, the caring people around him, the bright future ahead. It will never last. 

Remus was sure of it.

Saturday was a cold day. Icy winds biting the tips of Remus's fingers. Reddening his nose and cheeks. Chit chattering his teeth. Frost lay motionless on the grass, walls and windowsills. Leaves frozen to the ground, puddles iced over. It was the end of October, the day before Halloween, and no one could believe how different the weather seemed to be from past weeks. A change so quick no one saw it coming. Surprising the town inhabitants with a freezing cold that coated every inch, overruling the slight warmth that has been clutching itself into rungs of hope to last longer than it did. 

"Boys please be careful! I don't want anymore broken bones!" Euphemia shouted from the open kitchen window. Shaking her head and sighing as the three coated up boys with the added layer of hats, scarfs and gloves continued to slide down the hard mud.

James and Sirius took turns in running and zooming down the long stretch of garden grass, seeing how fast and far one could go. Remus sat on a toadstool watching in amusement. He had a go previously and ended up with a sore bottom, now opting to just sit back and enjoy the free entrainment.

"Ahhhh James, hmpf. Oi, get off me!" Sirius squealed as James snuck behind him, crashing both of them down in the ground with a rather loud thump.

"Fucking twat! What you do that for?" Sirius grunted getting him and pushing James back on the floor. He was laughing maniacally and rolling around soaking his clothes even more than doing so previously.

"Because it's funny! It's that right Remus?" James called over. 

Remus indeed found it rather amusing. Hiding his goggles behind a thick wooly glove. He nodded sheepishly; wanting to join in with James's laughter but not wanting to upset Sirius. 

"Oh sod off will you!"

"What got your knickers in a twist hey?"

"I just don't like people bloody rugby tackling me! Now I'd rather fancy a hot chocolate, Remus you coming or staying outside with this nutter?"

Remus nodded eagerly, desperately wanting a warm drink cupped in his hands, steam drifting to his face and chocolatey goodness smoothly running down his throat. 

The two walked inside, discarding their soaking wet outer layers and leaving James still laying on the ground. They walked into the kitchen, Remus making himself comfortable on a spinning stool while Sirius went to prepare three mugs of hot cocoa.

Sirius hummed as he poured the hot milk into some very large mugs. Larger and more eccentric then any others placed carelessly in cupboards and rarely thought about. Special for this occasion. Special for an occasion the never happens regularly on date. It makes you take in the speciality and worship what you have been anticipating for quite some time. Take your time and it will last longer. Remus likes the idea of having special mugs and plates. It's what his mother used to do whenever they had guests over or she was celebrating a birthday in the Lupin household. Bringing out the special and unique tea cups and saucers, making his dad do a double take as seeming to forget they once had the flowered painted fragile china. Remus smiled at this.

"Heyyy, oooo hot chocolate!" James shouted as he stumbled in through the back door, kicking his shoes off and dropping his outer layers on the floor.

"Yep." Sirius said before placing the mugs down with a clink. 

Remus took the one in front of him and wrapped his cold fingers around the sides, taking small and delicate sips careful not to burn his mouth. James slumped beside him taking a large gulp before his eyes opened wide at the burn sliding down his throat. Sirius erupted in laughter and Remus entered a tricky business of keeping his own giggles quiet. 

"Serves you right, you idiot. Obviously it's going to be hot!"

"Oi! I'm no idiot."

"Sure thing." Sirius rolled his eyes and sat on the other side of Remus. Brushing legs ever so slightly making both boys feel a rush of sparks down their spines. Neither said anything though, keeping a not so secret secret under control.

A short while after the three lapped into silence Sirius announced he needed a well a truly earned shower and smiled over his shoulder at Remus before leaping up the stairs, bounding two at a time. 

Now this is where Remus begins to feel uncomfortable. It's not like James isn't nice to him. He's lovely. Letting him have space when he needs it or making him join in. Remus feels wanted whenever he does that. But the two rarely exchange enough words for it to feel like they could talk endlessly into the night. 

However, this did not stop James.

They raven haired boy got up and approached the old retro radio that was situated on a shelf just out of standing reach, he clambered on the nearest stool and pressed the on button, with a wide grin of satisfaction that he could manage a task deemed to be simple. The smile reached his eyes and mischievous wonders shimmered in them when the bouncing light caught in the gullible trap within James's delinquent mind. Remus recalled this look and worried what plan James was up to now.

The radio started with a jolt of the words _Teenage dreams in a teenage circus,_ James immediately jumped down and leaped to grab the soapy wooden spoon to use as a microphone. Mouthing the words with a great expression, prancing round the kitchen island and sliding on the cold tiles in mismatched socks.

Remus watched in anticipation, mouth slightly agape. James still amazes him. He's got so much confidence and ego that they are spilling out of his head, he's surprisingly really motherly, always making sure everyone is doing good, well and having a happy day. Everytime Remus is with James, he does something that makes him do a double take, not really understanding how and why he does the things he does but it does class as free entainment. 

_We are not what you think we are_

_We are golden, we are golden_

As the song faded out, James bowed and shot Remus a cheeky smile. He applauded him and suppressed a laugh that was bubbling inside. 

"Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here every night from 5!" James bowed some more before his ears perked up at the sound of the next song. _Here we go again_

"Remus you have to dance with me! Come on, it'll be fun!" 

Remus hesaintly stood up. He's heard this song many a times before, he knows the words and knows what they mean. He can't help but think of one person in particular which is tending to his washing needs. James gave a comforting smile before reaching out two hands, Remud held onto them tightly letting James do the moving. He hasn't danced since he was younger, practicing small routines before showing them to a audience of his parents, getting serenaded with kisses and hugs afterwards. He hasn't down anything like this in awhile; with his somewhat tall and gangly figure, long limbs with hardly no control and now a evolution of two left feet. Remus let relaxation take over his tension built muscles, letting James take the lead role in angelic and flowy movements, in time with the up beat thud of the music playing loudly around them.

James smiled widely, eyes now glistening with hope. Remus smiled back and began to laugh at the silliness of the situation he has been put in. He hasn't move this fast in ages, sliding around just like James had done so previously but with matched socks instead.

"You're good Remus! Should do this more often!" James shouted over the chorus of the ever growing loudness of the music.

_What are you waitin' for?_

_Say goodbye to my heart tonight_

Once again the song faded. Remus and James -out of breathe and red faced- leant against the counter, letting the cool breeze from the partially open window pass through their untamed hair.

Just as suddenly as the songs had come on, the news clicked on. 

> "Good afternoon, this is Martha Lewis with the 6 o'clock news. The notorious gang leader and murderer, Fenrir Greyback, has been sentenced to life imprisonment after being found, after previously being on the run, in South Wales. The man as we know it had been working for none-other than The Dark Lord or also known as Voldemort, another gang leader who only last year had been caught. Fenrir has been charged with attempted murder, kidnapping and possession of illegal drugs. He was on the run from the police after one of his kidnapped children -who is the son of Hope and Lyall Lupin who were one of the gangs victims- managed to escape at the end of September. The rest of his gang, called The Death Eaters, had been caught before this leaving their leader. More on that story at 10, now for the weather..."

Remus stood statue like. Face morphed into terror as a name ran circles around his head. Feeling the grip of a hand on his own and soft murmurs of a forgotten presence, he snapped back to reality maybe a little too fast. As his hand jerked up and hit James's face, sending him stumbling backwards. Remus's eyes jumped around upon seeing him hurt, terrified that the man would crawl out heavy footed and take him back. Breathing unevened and quickening. Sweating palms and twisting, tightening knot in the hollow pit in his stomach.

It's his fault. Everything is his fault. His parents being killed. Him being treated like nothing more than a piece of shit. That man and his gang being taken away. Sirius being dragged into his broken life. James being hurt. Everything, everything, everything. Its his. Its always has been.

Why can't he just be fucking normal? Is that too much to fucking ask! Just one shitting thing! Thats all he asks for. Just one. 

Knees folding abruptly beneath him, legs buckling of the weight of his tortured life readjusting on his shoulders. Tears streaming down his face. Hands in a tight fist, nails drawing blood. Heart thumping. Body shaking. 

"Remus?" James asks quietly. Unsure on what to do and how to approach the panic ridden boy.

Remus's puffy eyes reach James's own worried ones. 

"It's alright, I'm here."

Remus shakes his head. No. He doesn't care, no one does. Why would they? 

James reaches out his own shaking hand, he wants nothing more to help Remus.

"NO! GET AWAY, STOP IT, YOU'RE HURTING ME, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE IT!" Remus's croaky voice shouted into the abyss of his mind. A different feeling of rough hands harshly gripping his neck, waist, goin, legs.

Touching,

stroking,

poking,

prodding. 

Harder.

Faster.

Hitting,

slapping,

pinching.

Harder.

Faster.

_"Hello little boy. Here's a little treat for being so well behaved yesterday. Appreciate it boy."_

"NO, NO, NO! I DON'T WANT IT." Remus roared with all the might he could muster. Hoping for all he could that he would just leave him be.

_"Why would I do that?"_

"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, please, please." 

Remus curled into a ball and hid away, head between his knees and arms wrapped around his body. Eyes squeezed shut. Heart still racing. Body still shaking. Memories flooding back. Everything and anything flooding in. A storm of unwanted images, snarls and evil laughter.

Everything was going smoothly, everything was good, everything actually seemed better. 

"Please..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was this?
> 
> Song: We are golden by MIKA  
> Animal by Neon Trees


	16. Chapter 16 - there's always going to be that someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, memories of past abuse. Self destructing thoughts, self harm
> 
> Sorry this is so much shorter then normal, and also that the quality has gone down. My mental health hasn't been at its best for the past week and I've just been struggling. Sorry again, hopefully you enjoy this chapter.

**Remus POV**

I can't breathe.

Its tight.

His hands are around my throat.

On my body.

He's loud. 

Screaming. Stoming. Snapping.

I want it to stop.

I want it to go away.

I want him to go away.

Why won't he go away?

I think James has left the kitchen. I heard footsteps going away. Sirius is still upstairs.

I open my eyes only slightly. The rooms gone quiet. My head's still loud.

Shakily I stand. Grabbing onto the wall for support. 

I can't see him but I know he's here. I just know he is. He has to be. This can't be real. This can't be true. Nothing ends up like this. I'm dreaming. I have to be.

I need this to stop. I can't take it any longer. It hurts. It hurts so much.

I stumble over to the nearest draw and rummage through. I find what I'm looking for.

It's something he used to do. Cut deep into my flesh, letting warm red trickle down, lick the remainder.

It's something that would end it all. I have no other choice. I just need to go. I'll see mum and dad again. I'll see nan and grandad. I'll even get to see snuffles, my old dog. I'll be away from this nightmare. This torture. This life that I'm not living.

I thought it was all getting better. With the therapy and Sirius being by my side. With having the freedom and independence I've always longed for. I thought it was all patched up. I guess that the stitches came loose. I guess that I should have expected nothing less than this. I guess I knew this was bound to happen.

I'm in the even colder tiled downstairs bathroom. It's not used that often I don't think.

_"Remus..."_

Fuck. 

No. Not now. I just managed to get him away. No.

_"What do you think you are doing?"_

I'm sorry. Im sorry, I just have no other choice.

I can't stay any longer. I can hardly keep up with everything moving so quickly past me. It's like I'm running to catch them all up but something is holding me back, a tightrope or leash, a chain or shackle. Something unbreakable, something that I can never get away from. Not like this anyway, not like how it is now.

My reflection in the mirror is an ugly mess of a scared face, loose fitting clothes I still borrow of James and fist clenched one holding sharp silver. My eyes no longer shine with the amber and green imbedded in, my skin is no longer smooth and child like instead I've turned into an old man; wrinkled and rough, a sickly pale. My gangly body once small and full of life, now grumbling beneath the weight of nothing more than the friction of skin.

My breath hitches and a snake like hiss slivers out as I press the sharp blade onto and beneath the surface of my wrist skin. A long jagged line bleeds out, the deeper I go the more foggy my eyes become, the longer I take the blade the more dizzy my head gets. 

_"No,no,no. That isn't right, you disappoint, you ridicule, you bring down me name, a worthless piece of shit."_

I'm sorry. 

Please go away. 

I can't see, my head feels bruised. 

But he's gone. I can't see him standing behind me, I can't hear his gruff breath on my neck or the slurred words slipping out his mouth. I've done it. He's gone, I've finally left him. 

**Back to 3rd person**

Sirius didn't know the last time he had gotten changed as fast as he did.

James himself had ran upstairs the get Sirius, he didn't want to leave Remus all by himself but he had very little choice. He didn't know how to comfort the poor boy but Sirius did. So with that Sirius was no hopping down the stairs, franticly tugging his arm through his jumper not wanting to loose anymore time.

"Remus?" Sirius called out once he entered the kitchen. Nothing but a quiet silence came in response.

Sirius whipped his head around checking every corner, nook and cranny there could possibly be in the kitchen. Moving onto the dining room, having the same result as before. Running down the corridor, down towards the living room and past the loo on his right a faint and ever so sublte whimper came through the shut door.

Sirius stopped in his tracks. Turning his head to face the door. Hand reaching out to the handle. Holding his breath. Expecting the worst. Hoping with everything he had in him that Remus was ok. He had to be. 

The door opened with ease surprising Sirius as he knew the bathroom on the ground floor saw little to no use.

And there on the floor, head resting on the mat beneath the bath, arms drawn close to his body, red marks stained around him. Remus layed, eyes screwed shut, body still shaking from shock. 

Sirius shook his head no and in a quick second he was kneeling next to the boy scared out of his wits to touch him. 

Remus must have woken up some time before and heard him enter, with opening his eyes just a smidge then in another flash he shot up with the energy still available. Eyes now widened, weak arms dragging his tired body into the gap between the bath and the sink.

"Remus..."

"NO! NO, no, no. Please it hurts, it hurts." Remus tried to shout out but his lungs did not cooperate in his pleading instead giving out a whisper of fear.

"Remus please, let me help." 

With a couple of cautious shuffles forward, Sirius managed to calm his own shock and hold the weeping in his arms. He felt the dried blood and tears and held in an inaudlbe gasp. He never knew that it could end up this bad.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Remus repeated quickly and quietly under his breath. Sirius only just making out what he was saying.

Sirius rocked back and both, hushing and shushing the murmurs. Rubbing his back gently in aid to settle him down.

"It's alright Remus, I'm going to help you. I'm going to be here. I love you and I want to protect you, please, please don't do this again. I don't want to loos you. Everything is going to get better." 

Remus's ears pricked up and tears reappeared, retracing the route they had taken before."

Before any other words were crossed Euphemia burst into the bathroom, holding a hand to her mouth in exasperated as she took in the site before her. James has called her a little while ago, now standing nervously with his dad off to the side.

Sirius looked back down to Remus trembling on his lap from having stared at Euphemia, he kissed the boys sweaty forehead and carefully readjusted himself to be able to pick him up. 

Carrying him to the living room and laying him down on the couch seemed to pass by without any recollection. Euphemia was now busy tending to Remus's cuts, being able to wrap them in bandages as for them not being deep enough to need stitches. Fleamont had contacted Poppy and she was now on her way over. All while James and Sirius kept quiet in the corner, looking on, both too shaken up and shocked to do much help. Neither had experienced anything like this and neither knew what to do. Sure Sirius had had his own moments of depression and days where he wouldn't get out of bed but nothing as extreme as this. He never thought it was possible but it seems both he and James were wrong in their thinking. 

Now they knew just how badly broken and in need of help Remus is. Now they knew just how determined they were with helping Remus.

Nothing can stop them now.


	17. Chapter 17 - carrying on from where I left off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just carrying on from where I stopped writing. I'm feeling much better than I was so hopefully this chapter is better too.
> 
> Just like to say thank you for everyone still reading and enjoying this story, leaving kudos and comments. Really makes my day, so please if you can leave comments and kudos! I really appreciate your input!
> 
> Thank you and enjoy.
> 
> Also sorry for any plot holes or any mistakes I've made!

Sirius and James were now sitting stone still in the dinning room. Having been told to give Remus some space. His cuts were tended to and banged up, Euphemia and Poppy now talking to him in hushed voices. Fleamont exchanged a weary glance at his wife before sighing heavily and walking into the dinning room. Sitting himself across from the two oddly silent boys.

Fleamont looked between Sirius and James. He could clearly tell the shock and confusion etched perfectly in furrowed brows, biting red raw lips and eyes glossed over in a fear that will inevitably stay attached to the boys minds. Neither of them have seen anything like this, neither knew how to react or help. Fleamont understood and racked his brain of some sort of explanation that would put them at ease.

"I understand your confusion." He said clearly making them jump at the unexpected voice. 

"I want you to know that what Remus is going through isn't easy and definitely not straight forward. This is a complicated situation with many things that are wrong. It seems we underestimated how badly he was and still is. But now we have a clearer picture of what we are dealing with." Fleamont stopped to take a breath and make sure Sirius and James were following. The two nodded, waiting to hear more.

"We have been talking for a couple of weeks. Me, your mother and Poppy, along with Mrs Cook and Remus's new social worker. We all knew that Remus wasn't going to stay with us for long as it was only an emergency placement. So in the coming days, he will be moving in with Ms Saxon. She is a wonderful lady and is fully trained and well equipped with dealing with children like Remus" Fleamont paused again before continuing once more.

"He'll still be attending school with you but of course be living with Ms Saxon. It's just that we think it would be better for him to live with an adult who knows what they are dealing with and can be with him all day. With living here that's not guaranteed and that's not helping Remus's recovery. And with the added recent events it's even more important that he is moved and taken care of."

James nodded, processing the information given. He understood how important it was for Remus to recover and seeing today happening put everything in a new light, a different perspective he never could never fully grasp. As for Sirius, he was still in shock. Yes, he knew Remus wouldn't be here forever. Yes, it was the better option. But no, he couldn't let him leave and get taken away. He loved taken care of the boy and loved him more than he could ever think was possible. Sirius didn't want to be separated. He didn't want to have to worry about whether or not Remus was getting enough sleep or was happy enough play games with them. He didn't know how he was going to cope without seeing him everyday. Sirius then immediately stopped thinking like that, he was being selfish. The one thing he hated ending up like. He sighed and put his head in his hands. Rubbing his eyes until the black curtain on his eyelids contained strobe colours that danced around.

"Yeah, I get it. I just wish there was something we could do. I don't like seeing him like this." Sirius whispered, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Thank you boys for understanding. Now if you have any questions please ask." Fleamont said before getting up and going to check on how everything was going in the room down that hall.

Remus was now sat up, a little dazed, tear stained cheeks and white bandages on his arms. He didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't something he ever considered doing, but here he is, sitting with his arms aching and slightly stinging, listening to Euphemia and Poppy talking about the next steps.

He managed to retain the information given and taking in as much that was on offer. 

He was leaving, moving only 15 minutes away, to a strangers house. Apparently, she was very good at looking after children like him. What does that even mean? Children like him. He brushed of the confusion and focused on the positives. He'll be able to recover better, be looked after better - not that he wasn't already. There wasn't much else that came to mind but the major one the two women were on about was the recovery. He wanted to be normal, he wanted not to be like this. All panicked ridden and silent stricken. He hated it and now he had a better chance in getting what he wanted and he was going to be ever so grateful for this opportunity. He also was getting to meet the Social worker - Helen, he recalled - meeting her on video chat frequently when having his therapy sessions. He rather liked Helen, she wasn't to patronising and treated Remus like the teenager he was. 

But now he was leaving. He was going to miss the gardens, the library, the very fancy kitchen and most of all Sirius. He was the real reason that Remus didn't end up lost or dying in the woods that day. He was again so grateful that he did. Remus didn't want to leave Sirius. Especially not now when he just figured out his feelings. Not long ago did he finally get to grips with his emotions towards Sirius. He couldn't just leave and forget them, couldn't just not tell him or anyone. Oh Remus didn't know but he knew he didn't want to leave Sirius but alas he didn't have much say in that.

"Now Remus, the day you will be properly moving in with Ms Saxon will be this Friday. On Wednesday we will take you to gather some of your belongings still at your old home and on Monday in school you will meet both Helen and Ms Saxon in person. So that leaves Sunday before everything begins. Is that all alright?" Poppy explained.

Remus nodded and smiled. This really was happening. He really was going to be normal again. Still in the remains of shock he wiped away tears that managed to flow through.

"Now I better be off, I'll also be there on Monday so I'll see you then. But remember Remus, if you ever feel like hurting yourself again please tell someone, you are very lucky not to be in the hospital. See you on Monday, goodbye." Poppy smiled and promptly left the house and grounds.

"Looks like you have a visitor. I'll leave you two to it then, I won't be far, if you need anything." Euphemia nodded to the door before she herself went out.

Remus turned his head noticing how shy and slow Sirius was being in entering the room. As soon as he sat down, Remus leapt on his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and burrowing his head in Sirius's chest. Tears now streaming down his cheeks and making wet patches on Sirius's top.

Surprised by the sudden act, Sirius nervously comforted and hushed Remus's shaking body. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Remus's whisper was barely audible but Sirius managed to catch what he was saying.

"It's alright Remus. Please don't cry. You have nothing to be sorry for"

Remus wiped his eyes dry and sniffed a couple of times before reaching for the pen and paper he was using not long ago. Writing 'did you mean what you said?' and showing it to Sirius who looked mildly confused. Then going on to write 'about loving me'. Sirius's eyes grew wide and he smiled down at Remus who was staring up with curiosity.

"Of course I do, I mean, not just like in a friend way. Like not how I love James. I mean I love you Remus. I really do." Sirius took a breath of hesitation before continuing, "there was a rumour going around school that I was, um, that I was gay. And my mother found out and confronted me about it. The stupid idiot I was told her the truth. It's true, the rumours I mean. I am gay. She then chucked me out and forbade me to talk to Reg just in case he ended up like me. Well funny thing is he's questioning but don't tell anyone. I just, what I'm saying is that I love you like that." 

Sirius looked down after a quiet few seconds, catching his eye with Remus's. The boy that was awkwardly latched on to him buried his head further into his chest and whispered an even quieter "I love you too" with a smile as big one could make a smile painted on his face.

Sirius tensed before relaxing down into the couch, making both he and Remus more comfortable from their previous bum numbing placement.

James burst in the living room and managed to trip over his own feet planting his face firmly on the ground with a hmph following. Remus perked his head up and smiled weakly at James who returned it wide and proud not like he just fell over.

"You two alright? Want anything from the kitchen? Found some Jammie Dodgers in the cupboard." James said, dusting of his jeans and noting how the two were on top and under each other, legs entwined and all. 

"Yeah thanks James and try not to fall over again! Clumsy bastard." Sirius smirked over Remus's hair and stuck his tongue out in retaliation of James sticking the middle finger up. Remus giggled beneath the arms that hugged him close. 

"Oi! Don't laugh at me, at least I didn't break the biscuits." James sauntered in, making it his mission to make both Remus and Sirius forget about what happened and laugh without hesitation. It's what he's good at after all. This intern made Remus laugh even more while fumbling with the biscuits he's holding on to. 

His laugh vibrated around Sirius ears, the trance it set upon him left him in a daze of happiness and a butterfly filled tummy. The sweet melody of a soft long-lasting tune that left magic in the air. It gave Sirius the feeling of being lifted up high with as much ease as leaves being blown in small and delicate wind that brings a contrasting force to that of the remains of Remus's temporary enjoyment and pleasure. An unnatural response to a rarity of nature, scarce and merely a glance into a different world of sound and feeling. Blossoming trees on a spring day, flowers blooming, lambs and rabbits jumping around in the daisy filled fields while the ever growing heat of the sun rays shines down and shadows the unwanted sites, leaving the sporadic beauty to be seen and gasped at with wonder. Its like Sirius remembers even though only heard once or twice, its like how he remembers feeling, how he remembers wanting more of the jelly leg making eruption of pure ecstasy that leaves behind no trace of ever existing apart from of course, the memories of legend that excite anyone who comes across it. Sirius takes this all in, hoping by any chance that the frequency of that moment increases into a never ending upwards spiral. A moment that he never wants to leave behind. 

"Right I better get going, um, Lily wants to video chat. See you later!" James said taking a hand full of biscuits with him on the way out, smirking at Sirius with it now being his turn to retaliate with a middle finger. 

Remus waved a small goodbye and turned his way to sit sideways on Sirius's lap, resting his head on his shoulder and going to hold the others right hand. Running his fingers across the bumps and ridges, knuckles and nails, soft but slightly rough skin. The warmth against his cold. Gently playing through his fingers, interlocking his own with Sirius's long and fit for a piano player, something he once was. 

"Remus, I'm sorry that this ever happened to you, I just, I want to help. But you need to say when, I um, do something that makes you uncomfortable."

"Ok"


	18. Chapter 18 - short interlude of confusing thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus talks about his sexuality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: small mention of suicide and self harm

Sirius woke up to the soft sound a padding feet running back and fourth, in and out of different rooms. He sat up, yawned and rubbed to sleep out of his eyes and blinked repeatedly as he got used to the light pouring in from the open door and slightly peeled back curtains. He noticed that James was absent from his now neatly made bed and that the warmth from Remus was missing too. He looked around and tried for all his might to get out of bed, he's never been a morning person and he never understood how James managed to wake up so goddamn early to go on a run of all things.

Checking his phone that was placed charging on the old wooden, sticker covered bedside table revealing the pleasant time of 9:45 am on what seems like a bright yet briskly cold day. The last of the frost hugging the window edges, the late rising birds chirping and flying from branch to branch with wriggling worms hanging out of beaks, the morning dog walkers with muddy boots and mutts who can't get enough of the squirrels chasing each other up trees and on high built fences, the sun shining down and teasing you into thinking it's going to be warm instead you get a quick appearing chill that hits when you step outside onto your porch. 

Sirius would much rather stay asleep then have to wake up before noon but here he is, dazed and confused, sitting upright in his bed. 

A huff and a pant bring him back to the real world. Snapping his head around to see Remus creeping nervously along the landing. Hands ringing together, short sharp intakes of air and eyes darting to one corner to the next, gathering in the contexts of each room he passes. Sirius quickly gets out of the nest of bed sheets and goes to follow Remus who darts into the spare room which his stuff is in. 

"Remus?" Sirius calls out, now even more confused. Remus turns around startled, not realising that something was behind him. He didn't mean to wake Sirius up, he had managed to slip out of the covers without making a sound early this morning. Remus had seen James leave for his run out in the cold and saw Euphemia and Fleamont have their breakfast before retreating to their shared office. He never usually saw what the family did so early in the day, usually opting to stay with Sirius and sleep. That isn't a bad idea but this morning he was restless and couldn't just stay in bed.

Remus wasn't sure if Sirius would be angry at him for waking him up. He wasn't sure what to do. He tries to scratch his arms in a nervous state before remembering the bandages that were put on. He looked down and frowned. Remus didn't really remember much of what happened but he's never before thought of killing himself as a way of getting rid of the tormenting voice stuck in his head. It surprisingly worked, well Remus thinks it worked either that or it was because he blacked out afterwards.

"Are you alright Remus?" Sirius's slightly groggy voice brought Remus out of his thoughts. He looked up and noticed that Sirius was closer than before. He didn't know how to answer, he wasn't at all alright. He never had been. It was just a time where his brain tricked him and others that he was getting better. Remus knew for a fact that things were back where they had started. All his hard work ruined but he had to do something to get rid of the voice, he can't just let it continue to say horrid things to him. Hurting himself was a spur of the moment, he wasn't thinking, he wasn't in the right headspace to understand what he was doing. He was hoping to see his parents again but he ended up in the arms of someone else he loves. 

This time around it's different. Remus knows he's back to square one. However, this time he guarantees that Sirius will be there, that he will help. He just hopes that Sirius will stay and not just leave and forget about the broken boy who has nothing to live for. So he shakes his head and hopes that Sirius will make him feel better, no matter how guilty he feels about having him do all this for him. 

"Oh Remus, what's the matter? Come on, let's sit on the bed." It seems like Sirius's tiredness disappeared in an instant upon seeing Remus so distressed as he is. Sirius feels so ready to help that he would do anything to make sure Remus gets what he wants.

Remus shuffles over to the bed and perches down on the edge before laying his head in Sirius's lap once the other boy sits down. 

"What were you up to?" Sirius asks while absent-mindedly running his fingers through Remus's messy bed hair. 

"Couldn't...had to get up...heard something." Remus whispers while drawing patterns on Sirius's pyjama bottom covered legs.

"What did you hear?"

"Footsteps."

"Everything alright when you went to go investigate?"

Remus hummed in response. It wasn't an investigation really. He just couldn't stay in bed. He wanted to get up but the sound of footsteps intrigued him before the sound continued to play on repeat in hid head after he saw James leave the house and Euphemia and Fleamont retreat to sit on spinning chairs. He couldn't stop the constant thumping so in due course Remus walked around the house, peering in rooms he's never dared to enter, counting off the morning quietness of the house. Realising then that there was nobody else in the house except a sleeping Sirius which he managed to stupidly wake up. It was more like a strange way of clearing his mind of useless sounds that plagued him. It was another surprising thing that worked in getting rid of anything he wishes to escape from. 

"Have you had breakfast?" Sirius asked upon feeling his belly rumble with hunger.

Remus heard this rumble and giggled and shook his head, he was too preoccupied to eat anything. He sat up, straddling Sirius and rested his head on his shoulder, hands wrapping his back in an attempt to give a hug. Sirius was surprised for what was a moment too long, wrapping his warmth around the back of Remus. Thinking he could never leave this position, Sirius stood up abruptly and cupped his hands to hold and support Remus by his bum. Remus made a yelped of surprise and tightened his grip, surely leaving red marks on Sirius's neck. 

"This ok?" 

Remus nodded and let Sirius take him downstairs. One step at a time. Remus squeezing tightly. Sirius holding his breath, not daring to take a wrong footing. Even though Remus is taller than Sirius, he manages just fine with getting to the kitchen, setting Remus on the high stool that are placed randomly around the marble top island. Both boys missing the warmth that's slowly drifting away as Sirius put bread in the toaster and opens the fridge searching for jam.

"Toast and strawberry jam alright?" Sirius turned around and noticed Remus staring back down at his arms. He hated how Remus had been in such a bad place that he ended up hurting himself. He hated how he wasn't there when he started panicking. He hated how there was very little he could do, except be there whenever Remus needed him and try with all his might to make him comfortable in society again. The trauma he's been put through and the way he's been treated is everything Sirius wants him to forget. But he knows that's not a good way in coping. Euphemia had told him to not talk about what happened right away, she said to let the grownups sort it out first thing. Sirius was glad that she and Poppy were there to help and now Ms Saxon too, but wished that he could do anything that remotely helped. Anything at all.

Remus looked up and nodded, not actually knowing what Sirius had asked him but better not too object he thought. 

"Here you go, one piece of toast with our finest strawberry jam with a generous glass full of delightful chocolate milkshake. Alright for you sir?" Sirius pretend to be a butler, white napkin on his left forearm and a quick bow after placing the plates and glasses down. Remus smiled, loving the act played. He now was accustomed to James and Sirius doing silly little things like this to cheer him up. Well he thinks they are doing it for him, he wouldn't put it past them to do this normally. 

He nodded thanks and patted the stool beside him which Sirius gladly took. Both boys indulging themselves with the quick and somewhat messy breakfast in a reasonably comfortable silence.

After Sirius returned to playing butler and had put the dirty plates and glasses in the dishwasher, he and Sirius had retreated to the living room. Remus had put on some old doctor who which he's enjoyed since he was young. Still in their pyjamas the cuddled up together, using a large quilt to cover their legs. 

Remus had rested his head on Sirius's shoulder and reached underneath the quilt and grabbed his hand to hold. Pretending he didn't notice the surprise jump from the other boy, he intwined their fingers together. 

"I've, um, been thinking." Remus whispered, looking up at Sirius who had taken his focus away from prisoner 0. 

"Mmm, that's a very bad thing to do ya'know." Sirius retorted. Gaining a look from Remus who didn't find it as funny as he had done before. Sirius's face dropped and worried at what was happening. "Is everything ok Remus?"

"I um, w-wanted to um...talk to you... I've b-been thinking... Sexuality." 

Remus doesn't know what to think. He knows he likes Sirius more than the average bloke should do. He knows that he could be gay. He knows how it feels to be touched by a man whether it was because he wanted it or not. He knows. He hates his body for reacting in the ways it did. Like it knew that he liked boys. What he doesn't know is that what if he's feeling these indescribable feelings because of what happened. Maybe if it never happened then he wouldn't be like this. He wouldn't he broken in more ways than physical and he wouldn't be stuck in an endless loop of a haunted house roller coaster he never agreed to go on instead being dragged on by a friend who isn't scared so easily and actually likes the thrill that comes with it. He wants to make sure that it would be like this without his summer being so horribly wrecked. He wonders whether he could be gay or bi or any of the other sexual orientations that have been announced and have been given a product of praise, independent self-reflection, and a fulfilled feeling of belonging. Remus wishes he fully understood and with Sirius telling him why he got kicked out of his own home, he feels inclined to share himself.

"Oh, alright. Um what do you wanna know? If there is anything." Sirius was taken back by the comment. Even though he is gay he doesn't know how to talk about it very well, not entirely sure on how to help but he'll give it his best shot.

"If, if I am, what I am, b-because of him." Remus shakes his head as if he is dumping out the memories he wishes to discard. 

Sirius takes a sharp intake of air, somehow a retched man with a cruel mind had hurt the innocence and beauty that sits harmed inside Remus. Somehow he has broken him. Somehow Sirius needs to fix this, whether there are the adults who say they can do it. Sirius will do what Sirius needs to do and no one can stop him.

"No, not because of him. You are who you are because of yourself as in your sexuality." Sirius tried to make it easy to understand, tired to get rid of the awful thinking that this man made Remus do and believe. Sirius tried to calm down his anger that flared up at a sudden, he didn't want to scare him so racked his brain with as many helpful tips and advice that could be of use. 

"I, I just thought, t-that um b-because..."

"Remus, please don't let him take over your thoughts. Just because, just, don't let him make you think like this. Don't think like that, I know that's easier said then done but I just can't let you do that." Sirius sat up a bit, pulling Remus onto his lap so he was once again straddling Sirius. 

"Ok" Remus whispers, "I think, I um m-might be gay. Just with e-everything, I'm not too sure."

Remus reaches for Sirius's hand and plays with the relaxed fingers as he listens to the others soft pounding heart beat, forehead resting against his chest. 

"It's ok to be unsure. It's ok to be confused. You'll get to your answer eventually, everyone takes different amounts of time to figure it out and some even have to go through a couple before releasing which one they are. It isn't as easy as the first glance can make it seem, but that's why I'm here, we are here, to help you. Remember that Remus. Don't ever forget it." Sirius feels proud of himself for feeling confident in saying that, especially as he can see Remus relax, relieving of his tense shoulders. He places a kiss on the top of Remus's head and sighed a sigh of relief. 

This is what the first proper step in getting better must feel like, it's only a small step considering yesterdays circumstances but it's better then nothing. Remus still has along way to go but with Sirius by his side every step of the way, there's bound to be light at the end of the pitch black tunnel. 

* * *

James had come home to the wonderful sight of Remus and Sirius dozed of snuggled under quilt by one another. He'd let them be before calling Lily and saying that she could come over. 

As Lily is accustomed to entering the Potters without knocking she walks straight in, through to the kitchen where James said they'll meet. Instead greeted by Sirius, who - even though it was now noon - was still in his pyjamas, hair ruffled and eyes that have just woken up, again.

"Hello Sirius, just woken up? Didn't fancy going along with James." Lily asked, surprising Sirius, making him jump and lay a hand over his chest in exasperation.

"Don't scare me like that, and no I've had a nap, woke up at like 9, I can't remember exactly. Lastly who do you think I am, waking up to go on a run, Evans a bloody run. He's mad absolutely bonkers!" Sirius chuckled and poured three glasses of Fanta. Passing one to Lily before heading into the living room, following Sirius.

"Oh um Remus is in there, finishing of Doctor who, so um yeah." Sirius nervously said before entering the room.

Remus looked up and gladly took the glass given to him, then to Lily. He gave a small smile before heading his concentration back to the TV. Quilt wrapped around his waist and fluffy socks poking out from underneath.

Lily smiled back and sent a quick text to James letting him know where she was before sitting down in the armchair near Sirius.

"I know I shouldn't pry but how is he?" She nodded towards Remus.

Sirius sighed before giving a short and simple answer, "not great but we're going to get there."

"How's it all going? With the crush and all that." Lily asked. Of course she knew about Sirius's liking towards Remus, she's the only other person apart form James and Regulus that he told. He blushed and looked down into his full glass, smiling fondly at the memories he keeps replaying in his head.

"I'm taking that as it's going well. Right, I better go, can't keep James waiting. I'll talk to you later. Bye Remus." Lily said to Sirius then to Remus who was still immersed in the TV.

Sirius smiled a goodbye before relishing in the fact that his relationship with Remus is as positive as it can be. A great sign that he had only wished for. Only pausing for a moment in remembering that Remus was leaving to live with someone else soon. He couldn't bare the thought of him leaving. So he'll just have to spend his time wisely with Remus for they only have he next couple of days to spend every waking hours with one another. Of course Sirius can't complain too much, it's what's best for Remus and he will be able to visit.


	19. Chapter 19 - new faces and new chances

Remus couldn't sleep. That was it. His sleep was actually getting better from the time of leaving the hospitality and yesterday. But now it seemed that sleep was the last thing his body wanted Remus to do, even though it is one of many necessities that one would require to live and function without strain, even with the tablets he's been frequently taking. 

Remus laid still, eyes staring up at the white ceiling, hands stiff by has sides. It was an unnatural position for him to be in. Usually curling up in Sirius's side, with his heat radiating off of him and warming him up even if he is surrounded by a mountain of blankets and pillows. But now he can't quite get to the point of sleep, instead his brain insisted that he overthink all he had done that past day. 

Today was the day that he is finally going to meet both Helen and Ms Saxon in person, his social worker yes only takes to through video chat and his new guardian. Instead of worrying about what lies ahead, he's worrying about a past he can't undo no matter how hard he tires what he's said and done is now a fixed point his his history. 

So here he was laying flat, covered with blankets and with a peacefully sleeping Sirius sprawled out next to him. Remus was still working out how he likes Sirius and why and what to say it was and why was it so bloody difficult. It was frustrating that there wasn't an answer book or something, a place where anything and everything is, whether you want to know it or not it's there. Yesterday, Remus stopped talking about what was playing on in his mind after Sirius said the words he did. He understood that it takes time but he hates how it isn't as straightforward as if he was straight or was something that wasn't so complicated that you would need a whole book to explain. Maybe it was as simple as being gay. Maybe he was just scared. Maybe he was really just majorly overthinking it all.

Remus turned on his side, careful not to make any sudden sound or movement that might wake either James or Sirius up. He didn't feel like explaining to either why he was awake at even more of an unholy hour as yesterday. He desperately wanted to curl up next to Sirius. With their bodies close together, arms wrapped tightly around torsos, legs tied round each other so knowing whose started and ended would be a struggle, faces mere inches apart. Close enough to feel slow heartbeats, to feel the breath on their necks. Remus held back upon the urge to get closer. An urge which suppressing took an almighty force to overcome and dissolve away. The strings being pulled tighter, reining him in. Of course he wanted that, Remus was used to doing so but tonight was different. Previous events had caused a rift, a break, a stop. Things didn't seem awkward or outwardly different but to Remus everything has changed, everything is awkward; to his second near death experience, to revealing to Sirius his thoughts that bedeviled his mind. Remus wanted to tell Sirius everything and anything, he wanted to tell the truth about his feeling, wanted to be honest but he would get too worked up to ever get a chance that ended happily. 

He watched the rise and fall of Sirius's chest. His steady breathing matching with the snores that escaped from his nose. Not the infuriating type that someone has where you stay up listening to the unpleasant repetition of it droning on. No. This was different. A mild quiet, that ripples through the air, rising up high before gently flowing down, a mesmerizing waltz to listen to. Something Remus could fall asleep on as done many a nights before. 

Remus remained silently watching Sirius sleep before slowly drifting off himself. Maybe it's the medicine he's still taking or maybe it's the comfort of a new home. Remus still hasn't figured that out either but it's a odd taste of glory that's stinging the back of his throat; not an irritating sting, mind, it's just there. There's no explaining it. There's no diverting off to a different course of action. Whatever it is, whatever is helping, it can never leave not matter how hard you tried. 

* * *

Sirius glanced quickly at Remus who was in his own world; staring absent mindedly into the bare distance of school students and old brick buildings that seemed to have gathered a fair amount of mold over its use in teaching. This quick glance gave Sirius all he needed to grab Remus's trembling hand and give a reassuring squeeze. 

"I'll come up at break. Reg will be there in the meantime if you need. Hope it all goes well, I'm sure it will." Sirius said with full intent of meaning it. 

Remus squeezed back and nodded before letting go and waving a goodbye, walking cautiously towards the stairs which are leading him today to a new future. He took his time up the stairs, one foot at the time which felt like they had turned into blocks of lead. He stopped just outside the double doors leading into the Edison center. Rubbing his hand across his face, trying to control his breathing; in and out that's all he needs to do. 

He never would have thought this is where he would end up. No one would ever imagine such a life. He didn't know this is what can come of someone's life. Remus wanted nothing more then to wake up in his mother's arms with his father bringing in a tray to his room with a warm cooked breakfast, he wanted to wake up and be gone of the horrid days he's endured. But then he would have gotten rid of the new friendships; whatever there is with Sirius, James and Regulus, the brief passings with Lily. He wouldn't want to depart from that for the world. 

"Remus, w-what you, you s-standing out here for?" 

Remus turned around quicker than the speed of light. Regulus was standing not to far away that Remus could notice a bruise growing up the side of his neck and the fact he was leaning all his body weight on his left leg. Remus shook away he added feeling of suspicion and kept note to tell Sirius. He shrugged and looked through the see through panels on the door, he saw Helen walk past talking to another lady not much younger then herself. Remus gulped, this was it. Ms Saxon was in there, waiting for him. Rubbing his neck he turned back around and pushed open a door, holding it so Regulus could come in behind.

"Ah! Good morning boys. Regulus you will be in the pebble room today and Remus you'll be in the same one as usual. Come along, I'll just get Regulus settled then I'll be with you in a moment Remus." Mrs Cook said in a very forced cheerful way. 

Regulus followed her into the room adjacent to the one both boys are usually accustomed to. Remus, on the other hand, stood outside his not daring to enter. He couldn't just go in. No, there will be his new guardian in there with him. What on earth has he gotten himself into. 

"Right, Remus... You can go in love you know that." Mrs Cook voice ran around his ears. 

He grabbed the handle, cold metal gripped firmly, slowly opening it. Two women sat next to one another on the only tables placed in the room. Remus recognised one as Helen; a tall, skinny lady with long brown hair tied back in a plait, wearing a casual black jumpsuit, a welcoming smile perched on her face, not a trace of makeup insight. The other, a rather plump women, a slightly darker skin complexion, with a tight fitted winter dress, covered with the moon and small wolfs howling, her hair loose running just past her shoulders, another welcoming smile greeting. HIs worry dissolved at the fear of meeting Ms Saxon, she seemed like a nice person to be around, homely and content, she doesn't look old but enough to have little knowledge on current pop culture.

"Good morning Remus, glad to finally meet you in person. I hope you are doing well, come sit down." Helen said.

Remus obliged and sat in front of her, not managing to bring himself to look either of them in the eyes.

"I understand this is a huge change for you but I am here to help you are settling in smoothly. This is Ms Saxon she will be taking you in as your foster mother for the forcible future." Helen carried on, "All the paperwork has been done so it will be a quick transition between you currently living with the Potters and moving in with her. Now as you know on Wednesday, me and Ms Saxon, possibly Mrs Potter as well, will be accompanying you to your old home back in Wales. There, you will be able to get whatever stuff you want to keep, otherwise it will go into storage until you come of age. We'll get to that when we need to. For the time being all you need to do is have a chat with Ms Saxon, just to get to know you and her the same. Any questions?"

Remus was taken back by all that was said, he admitted to himself that he was excited to get to know Ms Saxon but what will she think of him? He shook his head and waited for someone else to start talking.

"Alright then, I just need to talk to Mrs Cook. I'll be right outside if you need me." Helen said before putting down a whiteboard and pen and leaving the room, carefully shutting the door with a satisfying click.

"Hello Remus, you don't need to call be Ms Saxon, I'm Grace. Do you have any questions you wish to ask me?" 

Remus reached for the whiteboard and pen, tapping the pen against his chin in thought. What should he ask?

Writing: What's your favourite colour?

"Oh now that's a tricky one. Well lets see, I love bright and vibrant colours, all kinds of pinks and purples. What about you?"

Remus liked how she didn't care that the question was as generic as they come, he responded with a simple blue. To be honest he didn't really have one.

"Mmm, now I'm going to ask a question. What are your hobbies?"

Remus didn't have many apart from reading and drawing, maybe watching James and Sirius play games counted?

Writing: drawing and reading.

With a satisfying sigh Remus finally looked up properly. Grace looked like the kind of women that would call you love or dear when she greets you in the shops or bumps into you on the street. Sweet and gentle. Making you cakes and pastries every week, homemade dinners and making your school packed lunch with love and joy. It's like a different version of his mother, maybe a tad younger and less busy with art but all the same.

"I love a good book. I've got a pretty nifty book collection myself, I'll be glad to show you. Now your turn." 

That's how it went on for the next hour or so. The two of them exchanging questions with answers. Remus had learnt alot about Grace; how her mother was from Africa but she doesn't know where exactly and her father was from Devon, she is an only child, loves classical music, had a child herself, is allergic to citrus, has never been abroad and has built the shed in her backgarden all by herself. 

And Grace had learnt alot about Remus; how he was actually born in Stoke-on-trent and lived there till her was 7 before moving to Wales after, loves Doctor who, hates sweets but loves chocolate, used to have a pet lizard, has been abroad at least 6 times and has two left feet. 

"It's been lovely meeting you Remus and I'll see you on Wednesday. I'm going to give you a call tomorrow though so we can speak then." Grace had got up and left a stack of chocolate cookies wrapped in a white napkin. Remus hesitated, Grace was about to leave he couldn't let that happen so sudden, in a spurge of something or other he got up and ran to give her a hug. Wrapping his arms tightly around her waist feeling the thick fabric of the dress on his hands an hearing the heart beat she has. Taken back my surprise, Grace returned the hug and pulled him in tighter. 

"I've got to go now Remus, I can't wait to give you my home." Grace kissed the top of his head and left with one last tight squeeze. Remus smiled brightly back and couldn't contain his happiness. 

Sitting back down on the same chair as before grabbing a cookie and eating with content. 

"I see that that meeting went well." Helen had come back in from watching from a distance at the relationship blossoming before her. 

Remus nodded in agreement. Of course it went well. He was over the moon. To put it simply, Grace was really nice. She was wonderful. Remus was going to miss the Potters but it seemed like this really was for the best. 

"Now it's my turn to depart, I'll see you on Wednesday." Helen smiled and left. 

Remus was alone for a minute or two before Regulus came in with a pile of text books and sat down looking worse for wear, even more so since he's been revising for some tests coming up.

"D-dad wants me, me to do well. I-i don't s-see the point. Only year 9." Regulus laughed, putting his head back down in a maths practice book. 

Remus nodded even though he didn't entirely understand. His own dad never pressured him into getting good marks in tests, always told him to just do his best and if he did get a good score then maybe a present or his favourite pudding would be in store. However, he did have his mocks coming up and it might be a good idea to revise too. The thought was passed by like walking in the park, nothing too important but still looked at. Remus didn't have too much time to do anything else, the bell signalling break had just started rang off rather loudly. Sirius would he here soon, he thought.

"I-im just, just going to the loo." Regulus announced and promptly left. His books and pens sprawled out on the table, equations and scribbles were on the pages.

"Knock, knock! I brought some sausage rolls! Warmed up and all." Sirius said, sauntering into the room. "Wow, you look happy! Guess the meeting went well then." Sirius said upon seeing the great big smile on Remus's face.

Grabbing a sausage roll, Remus listened to Sirius ranting about his history teacher being the most boring old man he's ever met and how he has to do PE in the freezing cold. Remus managed to tell Sirius about Grace and how she was really nice. Neither could believe it. Regulus came back and nicked the last sausage roll before busying himself once more. 

Remus couldn't describe how happy he was. He was such in a good mood that he momentarily forgot about Saturday. That was until Mrs Cook wanted to talk to him about it. 

School ended much the same; with Euphemia picking all three of them up and James having his turn at ranting about a teacher being unfair. And now with Remus Lupins life back on track. 


	20. Chapter 20 - Fields and valleys

Remus couldn't remember the last time he's been in a car for so long. The motorway is never ending and the cars just zoom by. Long stretches of farms and cottages plotted around. The radio station droned the same old songs over and over, talking about the football matches that Remus doesn't care for. Passing a sign that he recognises, perks him up. They're close. 

Small terraced houses lined up neatly with organized front gardens, vibrant green grass, freshly painted gates and moss free walls. A cul-de-sac of four thatched roof cottages, with their own perfect little gardens, all ready and waiting upon the next arrival of flowers, hills rising high beyond and woods surrounding and protecting the four. A small close-nit village with an even smaller church and village hall, a local shop with everything and anything inside, a train station going direct to the nearest town which the children of this small village catch in order to go to school.

Except one. One abandoned and uncept house, hidden under shrubs, overgrown trees and cracking paint. It's only been around three months since the occupants left, only a short while between leaving and arriving and it seems a huge difference in appearances has come about. 

The car rolled up to a stop right outside this house's front door step. Now old flowers and cards could be seen laid out on the stone path leading up to the red door, Remus gaped at the site; even though the flowers were dead and the cards looked like they'd been soaked multiple times, he felt a lump rise in his throat, he hasn't seen his neighbours since they left for Wales and the thought of them missing him and his parents warmed him. He's always been scared that people are going to not want to hang out with him because of what his parents did, though that was never the case; Remus was a well liked person among the community, his arrival being anticipated since the news of him being found. 

"Ready Remus? You've got as long as you want, the moving van should be here in an hour, so just take your time." Helen said calmly, she knew from past experience that coming back to old homes can be hard and could bring back memories previously repressed. 

Slowly Remus nodded and got out the car, he stood next to Grace and put his hand in hers. With a nod of reassurance the three of them walked round the flowers and cards and unlocked the door.

The house was cold, almost unwelcoming not like it used to be. The fire would have red roaring flames whenever Remus would get back from school and occasionally there would be a wafting smell of freshly baked cookies. But there was none. A slight musky, stale and airless unventilated atmosphere hung in its place. The hallway was dusty and filled with boxes labelled with thick black ink, stairs to their right clear from any clutter. A mirror laced in its own layer of dust hung above a table filled with letters and a couple of picture frames; happy smiles and a family of three living a life a wonders and corners to be uncovered with hope and curiosity ending in a happy ending not yet disturbed by the cruelty of the world. The space felt tight, living room, kitchen doors shut closed, windows locked and only a free pathway upstairs. Even with the eggshell white walls, bright and airy, the placed was dark and dismal, even with the fluffy carpet underfoot the places was chilling to the bone. Remus never imagined his home to end up in this state. He hated it. The quicker he got out of this place the better.

Remus looked towards the stairs and started his slow and steady decent upwards. A constant creak and squeak as he stepped either foot down. He peered behind him checking on the two women who chatting quietly about something or other. With a deep breath he continued his journey to his room. Remus remembers distinctly that he had boxes already filled with his dearest possessions, and maybe a couple is suitcases filled with the rest of his clothes not taken on that frightful holiday and his posters of random bands and films still stuck on the walled coated in blue. 

All the doors up here too were shut and he entered his like nothing had ever changed; careless and quick. The door swung open and Remus surveyed the room. 

And he was right. Everything was much the same as how he had left it. His bed empty of a duvet cover just plain white and wrinkle free, curtains drawn letting only a trickle of light through at the sides, the same boxes he remembers filling up, the posters still stuck on the walls. Nothing but an extra layer of dust and stuffy air was new. Remus knew what he wanted from the very start his new life; his books most importantly. Everything in the boxes would be taken, it was simple he'd just need to tell Grace. 

Eager to leave, Remus turned and left. 

The realisation of his parents death were present in the emptiness of the house. It was too quiet and too cold, it was never like this. Remus doesn't quite remember how they died, but he knew that it was a murder and he rather wishes to keep the memory stored away never of be given the light of day. Knowing that you'll never see your parents again is one thing but knowing and seeing how they died is another. Remus, understandably, wasn't ready to endure that. 

"Ah Remus, chosen what you want to take with you?" Helen asked, there was no sign of Grace and Remus felt oddly uncomfortable without her. Just like he had done with Sirius, Remus is attached like a limpet to her. A connection was made the very first time he layed eyes in her and Remus knew they would work out. The motherly glint in her eyes and her warm smile made everything seem well and truly satisfyingly great. A weird feeling Remus is going to get used to. First Sirius and now Grace, Remus couldn't believe his luck in finding people who would go out of their way just to help and love him.

He smiled and nodded and Helen, she seemed ok with that answer and went back to texting on her phone.

It's not that Remus didn't like Helen, it was just that he didn't like her that much. She was nice and all but there was something about her that Remus didn't get. She did her job well, to what Remus could tell, and it seemed like she didn't back down from a challenge. But there is something about her that puts Remus off. Maybe it how busy she is or that fact that sometimes an even more important call interrupts their meetings, maybe it's the way she looks when you tell her things, anything at all and she looks oddly back, or maybe it's just Remus's trust issues not settling down around her. Either way Remus doesn't like Helen that much.

Looking around to see what to do, Remus noticed the front door open a jar. He remembered Helen closing it after they all came in. Letting his curiosity over take him, Remus slipped through. 

Grace was standing, resting against an old brick wall separating the dead end road from the fresh water stream running down. 

"Heya Remus. Lovely little village. I grew up in a busy town. Not like this. Quiet and peaceful. I'm quite frankly, jealous." 

Remus smiled fondly. He loved living here. Running in the woods, wind in his hair, the stream trickling through his fingers as he finds the shiniest rock beneath, watching the stars and moon twinkle and glisten up above, the birds tweeting and the owls hooting, foxes doing what foxes do, the laughter of children echoing of the valley walls, the train horn sounding as it passes through. It's like a story book. Perfect in everyway. Rare misfortunes seen. A happy ending in all. 

"Chosen what you wanted? Had a call from the moving van, said they'll be here soon. Do you want to go anywhere?" 

Remus shook his head at the last question. He didn't want to be reminded of what he'll be missing and what he's already missed. 

"You know we can come back in the holidays. With your friends as well." 

Remus longed to show Sirius all this space. All the trees, all the sheep, all the different back trails. The caves that lie deep within, tales of dragons and creatures unknown lerking about. Wonder and mysteries told to children with imagination that grows to big before popped with a pin by societies ungrateful standards.

Speaking of Sirius his birthday is in 4 days time. Remus had already drawn up his present, literally, however, knowing that he looked puts him off showing. So in that cases more things should drawn to be given to a lover. 

"You're thinking, I know that look. Everyone has it."

Remus looked back to Grace. She has her same smile shinning, the cold air not holding back her warmth. 

"Sirius." He said, full meaning deep inside, understanding reaching Grace.

"Mmm might of guessed. Poppy told me you too are close."

Before either could say anything more the moving van rolled up and two men got out. These two men in particular were tall and had the muscles needed to lift heavy boxes or anything really that required a great deal of strength. Tattoos marked on one of the men, a clean cut beard, the only hair on him that Remus could make out and a pair of thick frames glasses. The other, only just smaller then his friend but of the same size, no tattoos but plenty of piercings. Both wearing overalls and brown leather boots. 

"Remus you stay here, I'll sort it all out. Don't panic." 

Grace walked over to the men and Remus felt humiliation in her words. Of course she expected him to panic, he was while staring at how rough the men looked, how they could easily hurt him. He was weak and people could see that. Even people he only met a couple of days ago. 

Turning around promptly to hide the tears swelling in his eyes, his reddening ears of embarrassment and his pounding heart, he stared at the running stream. Pushing all thoughts out of his mind, creating a clear head, another trick he's been using to settle a brewing storm. 

He wished Sirius could have come along. Wished to have shown him where he once lived and thrived. Oh how he couldn't wait to show him this beautiful place, maybe on a better day than this. Instead of grey skies and cold wind, Sirius would get a shining sun with clear blue skies, the warmth of the sun on their backs as they launge next to the stream the keeps their feet cool, a fresh breeze and a ice cream in hand. Oh how that would be perfect. Almost date like.

Remus caught himself smiling and getting a little too excited at the thought of having fun with Sirius. Opting to stop his progressive thoughts, he tuned back around to watch the loading of his stuff. He doesn't know how they know what he wants but they get the right boxes. He doesn't really care about it, as long as they don't damage anything he's all good. 

Coming here didn't really seem like the nightmare he thought it would turn out to be, instead a pleasurable surprise. 

They'd be back before tea and this would all be another one of his faded memories. Maybe this is want he could draw. 

His old home. The fields and valleys.


	21. Chapter 21 - the little house across the street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of being sick

Getting back had taken longer than expected; a traffic collision causing a jam of beeping horns and restless drivers with screaming kids in the back seats. But they made it safe and sound. Remus did fall asleep half way through, so he didn't realize that there was an incident until Grace was telling Euphemia about it.

That night went very much the same as previous nights. Dinner then whatever James and Sirius wish to play with Remus watching busying himself with a drawing or book of some sort, before eventually going to be. James in his own, snoring constantly. Remus tucking in with Sirius, both keeping eachother warm and safe.

Thursday went as many Thursdays did. A long school day with complicated work set for both Remus and Regulus. With heads down and feet tapping, rare talking between the two except when break and lunch rolled around. Sirius and a annoyed James who had just been dragged away from Lily to join the boys in a debate on what Halloween costumes they should wear; werewolves, vampires or wizards. 

Now comes Friday. A Friday were all things were beginning to change. The start of year 10s mocks instead of normal lessons, the cold weather swooping in for constant wrapping up warm in hats and scarves much earlier than expected and of course Remus is moving to live with Grace. Everything seems to be changing and Remus can feel the unease boiling over.

"R-Remus are you ok?" Regulus asked once the bell signalling the end of lunch rang. Sirius left not long ago and Remus had been staring off and on into space ever since he came into school.

"Mmm" he replied, eyes coming back into focus. 

Remus couldn't get the excitingly frightening game of dodgeball to stop playing inside his head, nervous butterflies and a constant thought of something bad happening all jumbled up, twisted and tied into a tight knott that's only ever growing bigger. He feels sick. He doesn't know why. He should be feeling happy about this move. He should be glad to be living with someone as nice as Grace, someone's who actually cares about him and won't hurt him. The exciting twinge trying to remind him that everything will be ok, that he should stop worrying and just go with the flow of the happy future waiting. 

"J-just, you you look a bit s-sick." 

Just at the thought of looking sick made Remus spiral into a wave of panic and stomach clenching pain. Up he went faster then he could have imagined, running to the toilets round the corner and down the hall, crouching down and getting rid of the little lunch he had eaten not long ago.

Regulus at followed him and upon realising what had happened raced back to fetch some water. Rummaging through his bag and grabbing his bottle quickly he managed to bump straight into Sirius.

"Oh, why you in a rush? Silly me forgot my PE kit." Sirius laughed.

"R-Remus has been, been sick." Regulus replied with haste not wanting to waste any more time.

At sudden speed, Sirius snatched the water and ran to the toilets to find Remus hunched over the toilet bowl shaking.

"Get a teacher Reg!" Sirius shouted before rubbing circles on Remus's back, cooing him as he calms down.

Tears welled in his eyes, flushing the toilet and taking gulps of water. Remus hadn't been sick in ages. He forgot how awful it feels. How miserable it makes him.

"Are you feeling any better now?" Sirius asked, crouching down at Remus's level.

He nodded and shyed away, he didn't want Sirius to see him like this. Disgusting and sickly looking. How will he think of him now?

"Hey, come here." Sirius said with his arms out bringing Remus into a hug.

"These things happen no need to be upset about it. Was it something you ate or..." Sirius stopped mid sentence realisation pouncing on him, "is it about tonight?"

Remus nodded his head and turned his body so he was facing Sirius, making the hug more comfortable for both of them.

"I get that. Moving into a new home. But don't worry about it, Grace is an amazing person to live with. I'll visit when ever I can and you'll still see me and James at school. Reg is here too. Once you get a new phone well be better in contact but this is going to end of wonderfully. Please don't worry about it." Sirius said, even though just meeting Grace for a few moments he could tell she was the best at looking after Remus. She had plenty of training and experience in these sorts of situations that Sirius was certain she could do it with her eyes closed and hands behind her back. 

"And you are more than welcome to come back if you want." He added to reassure that the Potters doors were open and full of welcoming joy.

Remus cuddled up more into Sirius, he truly did love the boy and couldn't imagine a world without him. 

"Boys? Oh Remus. Is everything alright?" Mrs Cook's said as she entered the toilets, Regulus hot on her heels.

"He's just been a little sick that's all. Nerves I reckon." Sirius smiled and helped Remus up onto his feet.

"Oh, well we better get you cleaned up. Sirius I think you ought to go to your lesson. Thank you though." 

With reluctance Sirius nodded. Turning around to face Remus leaned in a kisses him on the cheek. A quick peck before smiling and leaving. Remus blushed and looked down at the now seemingly interesting floor.

* * *

Sirius waited patiently outside the doors to enter Edison. He's texted James to go without him back home as he's going to help Remus settle in, he doesn't know that yet. 

Regulus had come out first looking more nervous then Sirius had seen him before. Of course his anxiety took over from time to time but Sirius could tell this look was worse then his bad days.

"Reg, are you alright?" Sirius asked making the boy jump.

"Oh oh, oh y-yeah yeah. I'm fine." Regulus stuttered out.

"I know you don't like talking about it but how's it at home?"

"Oh well um, I er hav-havent s-seen much of m-mot-mother. Dad's the same as always."

Sirius couldn't tell whether their mother being away was a bad or good thing. It seemed like a win-win situation at first glance; with her away she couldn't hurt Reg. Not that she had ever layed a finger on him when Sirius was around. He'd always got the hits, the snide remarks, her glaring eyes. Regulus was in the background, watching from the corner, thats the main reason for his anxiety; the nervous state he'd get in was due to the fact of mother's unpredictable anger and violence. And the added fact that Regulus rarely got any attention making it difficult for him in confrontation and social interactions. But now with Sirius's absence maybe mother had turned to hurt Reg instead, just the pure thought of Reg getting hurt by that ghastly women made shivers down his spine. 

Sirius had always wanted to leave the rath of his mother but it had always been that Regulus was safer at home. With everything considered that is. At least their dad was more caring. 

"Please tell me if anything does happen. I'm sorry for now being there to help but I'd you need me I'm only a phone call away." Sirius said and Regulus nodded and kept his eyes casted anywhere but Sirius, he left with a wave and a too quiet goodbye before Remus turned up at the door a confused look on his face, Sirius never waited out here only by the outside gates.

"Remus! I've come to help you settle in. Hope that's ok?" Sirius adored how Remus's face lightened up at what he said, his shoulders relaxing too. Remus nodded and grabbed Sirius's hand a little to eager to get going, much to the difference from earlier.

"I'll take that as a yes then." Sirius laughed, he enjoyed this Remus and he never wanted it to leave.

They'd found Grace waiting in her car just outside the gates. She had agreed for Sirius's involvement in helping unpack and all that business. The boys clambered into the back of her old ford Fusion with a worn down lick of blue paint but that didn't displease Remus or Sirius for that matter, it suited her and felt comfortable to relax in. No need to keep your back straight and hands in your lap.

The radio blasted songs from the 70s, a track Remus was bobbing his head too not noticing the look of adoration of Sirius's face. After a 15 minutes that went by faster than they'd expected, the car was parked in a small driveway with a patch of green beside it and a peeling painted red garage door. Remus gingerly got out the car with his fingers intwined into Sirius's, his excitement faultering as he took in the quaintness of the house before him.

A red front door with a step up to it, two plant pots either side filled with nothing but soil. 

One hand squeeze later and multiple deep breaths Remus saw the inside of the small house. 

The front hall was filled with pictures of different children laughing and having a great time, stairs to the left as you walking in and the open door to the lounge showing the start of a leather couch. The kitchen must have been at the end of the hall, Remus could smell freshly baked bread coming from that direction. A warm fuzzy feeling arose inside and he couldn't help but smile.

"Well this is where you'll be staying, it's not much but it's home. Your suitcases and boxes are all in your room already, second door as you walk on the landing. First one is the bathroom. You boys can head up, I'll be with you in two ticks. Shout if you need anything." Grace said gesturing up the stairs.

Remus followed Sirius lead and walked up the stairs after taking their school shoes off. 

"Well isn't his nice." Sirius exclaimed as he and Remus entered his new room.

It wasn't as big as the rooms in the Potters but just as cozy and warm if not more. A grey carpet and matching curtains, the bed made with a dark blue cover, a desk, bed side cabinet and a tall wardrobe all filled the space, a couple of shelves above the desk perfect for books and a window to the side of them, Remus could see the backgarden through. The shed that Grace had said she built herself a few unused flower patches and the rest freshly cut grace. It was small yes but it seemed like the perfect place to call home.

It took a couple of hours but the three of them had managed to sort and place all of Remus's things, perfect so he'd now for sure where everything is. Grace had brought up cookies and hot chocolate for a small break snack which he remains were left on the desk now complete with a pot of pens and pencils, sketch books and school work ready and waiting to be done. The bookshelves cramped fill with all his books, his ornaments rested on the edges and an odd one of two framed pictures filled gaps. His clothes neatly folded or hung away and the draws filled with bits and bobs that didn't have a certain spot to be placed.

"We've done a jolly good job. I'll just pop down to the kitchen to sort out some dinner, Sirius love will you be staying?" Grace asked standing at the door frame.

"If that's ok with you, I'll stay." Sirius said. He loved how Remus immediately settled in, no hassel at all. 

"Of course. It shan't be too long now." Grace smiled and went downstairs to prepare the dinner.

Remus sat next to Sirius no gap between with his head resting in the others shoulder. 

"You like it?" Sirius asked and Remus nodded back, "good I'm glad. I'm only two roads away so I can come whenever you want. This is just so great!" 

Remus smiled at his enthusiasm. Now it was his turn to give a kiss on the cheek. Reaching up and planting it gently, hand grabbing his and running his thumb against the top. 

"W-what are we?" Remus softly asked, putting his head back to where it had been. Going to play with Sirius's hand, waiting nervously for the answer.

"Whatever you want us to be." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up my timing so Sirius's birthday chapter isn't going to be posted on his birthday which I'm annoyed about instead you have this one. 
> 
> Anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIRIUS!! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	22. Chapter 22 - it was only a kiss

**Remus POV**

Dinner was nice. A simple cottage pie and for pudding a chocolate tart. After that Sirius had to go back but me and Grace spent more time gets to know each other. Sitting on the couch, snuggled up under blankets with hot chocolates and marshmallows pulled high, a fire crackling while Pretty in Pink played in the background. It was a sweet way to end the night; learning old stories of the life Grace had, the adventures she's been up too and the people she's met.

I still haven't said a word to her but tomorrow I'm going to change that. I feel safe with her. She's always going to be there if I need her, I can count on her for anything. 

Saturday rolls by. We didn't do much. We went out to the local market; bought some fresh meat and fruit, chocolates and cakes. Grace said anything I like. My words were whispers but heard. My own little tales shared, what me mum and dad used to get up too, nothing to in detail but enough to satisfy my need to get my happy memories out and fluttering around. Grace was more than capable of listening even though I suspect she didn't really care what my dad's favourite TV show was. 

Sunday morning was a rush. I somehow slept in till 11, the night was somewhat restless. Without Sirius next to me I keep waking up in a small panic, Grace ready by my side with a glass of water and a small bit of milk chocolate. It helped surprisingly. 

I had chosen by best clothes I haven't seen in months. How I missed my jeans and shirts, the jumpers that fitted snugly and my eccentric socks. Not that I didn't like what James had given me, it's just it wasn't really me. I put on what I'd picked out and breathed a sigh of relief at the freedom I've been so gracefully allowed to have again. A pair of socks with kittens playing around on them, tight jeans and a totally not star wars reference t-shirt that I hope Sirius gets, explaining it would really ruin it. 

One last look in the mirror and I'm set to go. 

"Remus sweetie, it's time to get going" Grace said, standing at the door. I jumped in surprise at her voice, I need to stop doing that. 

"You look very handsome young man. Come along now."

The car ride was meant to be short but it seemed just as long as the trip to Wales did. My legs kept jiggling up and down, I had to stop picking my skin around my nails before blood would have gotten the better of my clean skin and the radio didn't work as a distraction. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. Could it be the fact that I want to impress Sirius so badly and that I don't want to disappoint him that I don't want to mess his birthday up but I might anyway because I've messed everything else up? Yes, it could be but we're not going to talk about it. I just have to think about something else and take this one step at a time.

"Remus? You seem anxious. I know how you might be feeling but everything is going to be fine and if anything does go wrong I'm only a phone call away." Grace said. Of course I've nothing to worry about, I'm only over thinking it all, just like usual. 

"Thank you, I'll see you later." I whisper before getting out the car. 

Grace follows behind me, she said she wanted to catch up with Euphemia, and I wait patiently after I ring the doorbell.

It wasn't long before I heard shouts, hushing voices and a running pair of footsteps hurtling at the door at full speed. The door swung open and Sirius stood slightly disheveled and unorganized with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eyes as he just stood there watching.

"You didn't have to ring the doorbell. Your welcome to just waltz in, that's what I used to do! Come in, Effie is just in the kitchen Grace." Sirius pointed down the hall and stepped aside to let us in. I took of my shoes and looked around nervously, I could hear chatter coming from the living room. I didn't realize other people would be here already, I know we were a little rushed but I didn't think I was late enough to be the last one to the party.

"Thank you Sirius dear, happy birthday too, big 15. Have fun Remus." Grace said and walked down to meet Euphemia.

"Ok so everyone got a bit excited and arrived earlier than expected so you're not late they're just super early! I'll introduce you to them properly, I'm sure you already know their names!" Sirius guided me into the familiar room now with the couches pushed back and bowls filled with snacks that are looking close to spilling and large liter bottles of pop. 

Once I stood frozen still with his present grasped in my hands, everyone stopped with whatever they were doing and turned to look at me. Eyes filled with curiosity and something I can't pick upon. 

"Right you lot, this is Remus."

"That's Marlene," he pointed at the first girl closet to us. Long blonde hair with flower clips pinning back the front, she's wearing a crop top and a skirt with fishnet tights. 

"Then this is Dorcas," another girl wearing a very similar taste in clothing except the top has a different design and she has darker skin and afro black hair pulled back into small bunches.

"Peter," a small boy with most of the food surrounding him. A simple top and jeans and freckles that scatter his cheeks. 

"And that's Lily, you've seen her a couple of times here," I remember that hair from anywhere, the red all tied up in a plait. She's wearing something similar to the other two girls, I'm guessing they went out and bought everything together.

"Obviously you know James and Reg. So feel free to sit next to anyone!"

Regulus smiles at me when I sat by him our knees just not touching. He looks better then he did the other day. 

"Hey, h-how you, you doing?" He asked and at that moment I realized I didn't have any way of talking. Oh no, what was I going to do! They'll think I'm a freak or something. I can't do this, I shouldn't be here. I'll just ruin everything. 

"Oh um I er, h-have a a whiteboard." Well, I guess that solves my problem. 

I write good and thank you. I really need to learn how to talk normally, writing everything down is just too much of a hassle. I'm not sure how I'll keep this up all night. 

"Right we should have a classic game of truth or dare!" Marlene says.

"Ooo yes this should be fun!" Dorcas and a Lily reply getting in a fit of laughter at saying the same thing at the same time.

"I'll start! Ok birthday boy, truth or dare!" Lily asks a hint of mischief in her eyes, she clearly wants him to say dare.

"Oh really Evans, obviously it's going to be dare." Sirius smirked at Lily. 

"Alright then, I dare you to wear these clothes for the rest of the day." Lily said with a deviance that would scare me any other day if I wasn't staring at Sirius. She held up a bag with a similar outfit you what the girls are already wearing. 

He didn't look distraught or mortified at the fact of having to wear a skirt or crop top with tights in retrospect he looks rather excited and ready to put through this, quite the difference to how I would have reacted. 

"Oh Evans, Evans, Evans, Evans. You really need to work on your date skills. Give me the bag and be ready for the beauty about the a come of me!" Sirius flaunted his eyes and battered his eyes like a girl trying to woo the man across the club's dance floor. And how that move worked on me, my heart started pounding ringing in my ears and I could feel my cheeks warming up with a slight reddening. Marlene, Dorcas and James whooped as he made just as a dramatic exit as a moment ago.

Not too long later the door creaks open and Sirius is just standing there with his arms wide and head back, legs shoulder width apart. Just like how a rock star would finish a performance live on a stage with smoke and glitter the crowd going wild.

"And here we have Sirius Black styling beautifully a leather flowy skirt and a crop top chosen by non other than Dorcas Meadowes, how she does have a keen eye for perfection." James announced like a runway host. 

And he really was perfect. A wide grin with black lipstick and eyeliner matching the black skirt and top both with roses embroidered onto. He's even wearing fishnets and if we were outside I bet he would wear Doc Martens. He's absolutely beautiful and when he winks at me as he sits down across the circle I feel more blush seeping up my neck.

"Ok then I guess it's my turn. Mmm who should I go for... Alrighty Peter truth or dare?"

"Oh why it's always me! Ok fine dare."

And the game goes on. Peter feeling dizzy and now having his hair dyed red, Lily having fake tattoos all up her arm drawn on by permanent marker, James can't use his glasses, Marlene has to speak French for the rest of the night and Dorcas went skinny dipping in the pond. It was really rather enjoyable even though I was only watching, same goes for Regulus.

"I've had enough of these stupid dates," Dorcas said shivering under a towel. "Why can't we just do truths no. Come to think of it no one's chosen truth."

"Ok then. Dorcus, how many times have you and marls gone behind the sports shed and snogged each others brain out?" James asked

Dorcus blushed and her eyes widened with shock, obviously not counting on that being the question. Mumbling an incoherent number, James didn't look satisfied.

"Sorry I didn't hear that."

"17!" She shouted before hiding behind the safety of a cushion that was in front of her.

"Ha knew it! But it's your turn now Dorc."

"Oh yeah um. Lily, um why did you agree to go out with James, you did say he was an arrogant toerag?" 

"Hey i heard that!" James shouted, squinting at Dorcus who just rolled her eyes.

"Oh well, um I don't know, bit complicated. Turns out he's quiet nice, I mean he hasn't picked on Severus or anyone else for that matter, so i guess thats apart of it." Lily stumbled over her words and went nearly as red as her hair.

"Never you too be such a sap Evans." Sirius smirked with a cocktail stick in between his teeth.

"Oh shut it Black. Anyways it my turn. So, Sirius how many boys have you jerked off behind the bike shed recently?" Lily snapped back.

"You, you know that was just Avery spreading rumours! That wasn't true! He just wanted to get back at me for punching him that ugly face of his, homophobic bastard" Sirius grumbled and pouted, shoving more mini sausages in his mouth.

"Mmmm, I guess I'll have to believe you. Your turn."

More rumours? I didn't know that, I guess I wouldn't. I haven't been at their school long and I'm rarely ever seen outside Edison. Who even is this Avery guy? Seems like a git if I have to be honest. And what type of name is Severus? I mean I can't say much, mines not really that common but I think I heard James and Sirius talk about him before, calling him Snivellus and him having greasy hair. I'm not listening to the rest of the truths going around, my minds going off on a tangent, new branches growing everytime a new thought comes along making a mess of everything inside. Before I know it, someone's nudging my side and calling my name. 

"mmm?" I look to my side and see Regulus looking at me.

"Y-you were out, out of it. Y-you ok?" He asks

I nod and look away. Sirius is looking at me too. More blush creeps on my face as he smiles showing a toothy grin and I go back to looking down. I don't want him to see me getting flustered but I do wonder what he was thinking.

"What do you guys wanna do next?" Marlene askes.

"You know I'm quite fond of lights off hide and seek." James says, he's still squinting.

"What? Thats a child's game" Lily scoffs.

"Ah see Evans it's different. 1. the lights are off 2. you can move around 3. you have to be tagged and not just seen 4. pranks are allow and obviously last one caught is the winner." Sirius says smuggly, he's obviously proud with coming up with such game.

"Its really fun, I think we should!" Peter added.

"Alright fine. Ill join in, everyone else?" The rest of us nodded, as Peter said I think I'll enjoy it. I always enjoyed hide and seek.

"Yes! Can I have my glasses back now Pete? Who's the seeker?" James asked, Peter giving back his glasses with grease on the lenses.

"Birthday boy of course!" Marlene shouted excitedly.

"Oh fine then. Everyone go and hide, I'll count to 100."

Everyone got up and went to leave the room, James racing away and Marlene and Dorcas giggling away down the corridor. 

"S-siri?" Regulus approached his brother who was getting into a comfy position in the couch.

"Yeah?"

"I t-thought J-james parents were were home, h-how are we going to turn the lights off?" 

"Oh, um James will probably tell them to stay in their offices and we'll only turn of the rest of the houses lights. You both good in playing? You don't have too."

"No, no it'll be fun. C-come on Rem." 

A nickname? I didn't know we were close enough for them. I'll have to figure one out for him. I followed Regulus out and turned to wave goodbye to Sirius we waved and smiled back. 

It was a shock when we went out into the hall. The lights were already off and there was no noise coming from any direction. I grabbed onto Regulus's arm and let him guide me to a hiding stop we could both share, or at least that's what I hope he's going to do. I haven't adventagerd far in the Potters home so I'm still not too sure where each room is. There is a lot of them. As we felt our way along a room I felt Reg (I could just use that as a nickname, I'm sure he wouldn't mind) crouch down and vaguely point in the direction of under what looked like some cupboards. I still have very little clue of where we are.

"We'll s-stay here for for now." I nodded and hoped he saw me doing it.

After a while I faintly heard Sirius yell out "I'm ready, come out come out wherever you are!". I crawl closer to Reg and hear his soft breathing in all the quietness that surrounds us. 

More minutes tick by and above us footsteps are scrambling around, running most likely. 

I wouldn't say I got scared just cautious, so hesitantly I peeked away the corner. I couldn't see anything apart from the slight light coming from the window at the end of where I was and that didn't help much in itself. I turned back around and I couldn't make out Regulus. I crawled back to where we were hiding and the sound of his breathing was gone. His body was gone. He was gone. 

Where has he gone? He wouldn't just leave. Would be? Oh god, what do I do.

Ok, right. It's simple I'll just stay here until Sirius finds me. If he finds me. Hope he hasn't forgotten about me.

More running upstairs and a couple of loud bangs. What are they up to? Why can't this all be over? Stupid game. I was wrong. I don't like it. 

With a flash and with a pained reaction from my eyes the lights are turned on. Is the game over? I bloody well hope so.

"Remus? Are you in here?" Sirius's voice. Sirius is here. Thank god!

"Oh there you are! Everyone is in the living room. Reg panicked because he lost you. Come here."

Sirius crouches down and I crawl into a hug. I really did not like this game.

"Are you alright?" I nod into his shoulder and breathe a sigh of relief.

I look up a notice he's staring again. Eyes sparkling and lips parted, his hand rubbing aimless circles on my back. It was a complete shock, I didn't realize it was happening until I felt him miss back. I leaned in, closed my eyes and planted my lips of his. It didn't last long but the sensation lasted forever. His soft lips against by gnawed chapped ones. He didn't force it, letting me do what I wanted. Short and sweet. Our foreheads rested together and when I opened my eyes I could see a huge smile on Sirius's face.

"Wow." He breathed out.

"W-as that ok?" I whispered.

"More than ok. It was wonderful."

It was only a kiss but I felt like I was heaven on earth. Floating in the midst of euphoria. There were no words to describe how I felt. But I loved it. 


	23. Chapter 23 - fish fingers and custard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short, haven't had the best of weeks so I've been focusing on my mental health rather than this.

Remus was full of pure ecstasy. It was like he was on drugs. Head buzzing and ears ringing. 

They were still sitting in middle the library that the Potters owned, full to the brim of books galore and quite frankly Remus doesn't know why he hasn't come in here sooner or tried to kiss Sirius for that matter.

It was exhilarating. 

Foreheads resting together and Remus gently swiped his thumb over Sirius's lips. They were still soft and slightly wet, parted. He couldn't believe his luck and felt like he was drifting through a dream.

He felt Sirius touch over the lettering on his shirt that was printed on to the pocket. Fingers hovering over a Tardis flying and stars littering the rest of the black shirt.

"Fish fingers and custard? Matt Smith would be proud." Sirius whispered and Remus couldn't help but let out a bark of laughter, hushed by another kiss. Staying longer connected and united then the first but just as pleasant. The same amount of euphoria running through their veins, igniting them in red flames of blushed cheeks and sweet lips, a glow rebounding off walls and into cracks on the floor. Something so magical and so indescribable, a delicate balance of love and passion that could be destroyed in one touch that one has to tread carefully otherwise ruthlessly ruined and harder to repair then any cracked China tea cup.

"We better get back to the others, they'll be wondering were we've gone and I'm sure Reg is worried about you too."

The pair walked in to the living room hand in hand, with grinning smiles not hidden from the knowing stares from their friends who where previously talking about the latest homework due in tomorrow. Regulus worriedly looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps and relaxed immensely as he saw the bright and happy smile that looked permanently fixed upon Remus's face. He couldn't believe he had been so utterly stupid to leave him, he didn't mean to, honestly he thought Remus was following him but soon he was caught my Sirius and walked back to the living room having Lily calm him down. 

Sirius gestured with his eyes to let Remus go and see Regulus. Remus obliged and unwillingly let go of his hand and quietly sat next to Reg, watching Sirius go and immerse himself in the conversation between the others.

"I-m sorry for l-leaving you, I I thought you you were behind! I-m sorry..." Regulus stopped rambling on once he saw that Remus was shaking his head.

"It's ok." Remus whispered. 

Regulus was taken back. He'd never actually heard Remus's voice and thought he would never get to. He'd certainly not expect the first time to be now or with other people around. 

"Hey Reg, Remus you want hot dogs or burger's. Dad's doing an indoor BBQ." James asked as he came over to the two.

"B-burger please." Regulus replied.

Remus didn't know exactly what to do, the whiteboard was by the other side of the room and he wasn't comfortable to talk to James. 

"Oh yes sorry, do you want a burger?" James asked realising that this way would be easier. 

Remus shook his head he'd much rather a hot dog.

"Alright then hot dog it is. Won't be long." 

And it wasn't, all 8 of them sat munching on either a hot dog or a burger that Fleamont had so expertly cooked to perfection. 

The time ticked by and the clouds covered the last of the sun that uselessly shone down barely producing any warmth or comfort outside. 

"I think you should open your presents now! Come on Sirius, you cant keep waiting any longer." Marlene said grabbing Sirius by his arm and pulling him to the armchair where the presents were all laid out.

"Alright, alright." Sirius said while shifting so his legs were under him. He reached down and got the first present which read To Sirius, From Peter.

Once opened he realised is was a miniature version of a motorcycle that he'd seen in the bike shops window, a sleek black vehicle screaming punk, a small silver line of words were engraved on the side of the plastic which the bike stood, reading; off into the night. It was perfect. He'd always wanted a motorcycle ever since James had shown him the racing game he'd gotten for his 12th birthday.

"Thanks Pete it's wonderful." Sirius beamed at the boy. 

"I knew you'd like it!" Peter replied with satisfaction written all over his face.

Next it was Dorcus's present, it was a pop vinyl figure of penny-wise the clown from IT. Then came Marlene's got him a frames signed poster of Elton John, somehow she managed to get her dad to speak to some friends of his. Last of the girls was Lily, a leather jacket badassled with spikes and patches. He said all his thank yous and gave each a kiss blown to them. He couldn't believe how far they had gone for his birthday.

It was Reg's next. A small but heartwarming gift. A picture of both boys with their dad on the beach somewhere in France. Smiling faces and tanned skin. It was one of the only happy holidays they'd had as a family and Sirius would make sure to cherish it till the day he dies.

James couldn't sit still, it was like he was going to explode. So Sirius prolonged the opening period just to tease James but when he did finally manage to get the present open he realised why James had been so eager. It was the most beautiful camera he's ever seen. He'd expressed and interest in taking photos but never had the right equipment to get the best outcome, his phone could only so so much. Underneath the camera was a scrap book, it looked so vintage Sirius thought James had literally gone back in time to get it.

"Oh my god! It's amazing! Thanks!"

"Mum and dad helped. I found the scrap book." James said.

Lastly was Remus's. Sirius had been anticipating this one in particular. As for Remus he'd been scared our of his wits for he reaction going to be seen by 6 other people. He'd much rather do it alone, just the two of them but alas he was put on the spot and had to wait till last to see the final result of thoughts on his homemade present. Remus had spent a long time on this and he didn't want to ruin an already perfect day. Sirius carefully tore the wrapping paper off and felt his breath catch in his throat. Not only was it the drawing he'd sneaked a peak at before but it was a perfect sketch of him and Remus. They were laughing and holding hands, Remus leaning into Sirius like it was totally normal. The pencil makes sculpted a reality that both wanted so desperately.

"Wow..." Sirius whispered. The others waiting for the reveal. 

Sirius had turned it round to face the others all seemingly shuffled closer to get a better look. All gasped at the impatculate drawing presented towards them.

"Remus I never knew you were so good!" James exasperated. 

"Yeah this is pure talent!" Marlene said still in mesmeriment.

"Art gallery worthy!" Lily smiled softly at Remus.

He'd gone quiet red and all the positive comments. He'd never expected this. He didn't think he was that good but seeing all the faces before him maybe he was better than he thought. Maybe he shouldn't be so afraid of Sirius's other friends. Maybe they will all be there for him too. Maybe he'd get a second chance at having friends.

Remus looked up and caught Sirius's eye. It was the last thing he saw before James spoke. The loving sparkle that stayed put in his reasured Remus of everything he's been worried about.

Everything was finally looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slightly confused, the spelling thing keeps saying how I'm spelling Dorcus is wrong. Is it was an A or an U?


	24. Chapter 24 - going around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic slurs

This was Remus's first time around the school, having spent the majority of it up in Edison. Today was the day that he was going to start normal lessons. And to say he wasn't nervous would be an understatement, because he was bloody nervous. Waking up at the crack of dawn, throwing up his nerves, wearing out the hallway carpet with his excessive pacing, his finger tips and nails being chewed to bits. It was an awful sight to see and with that Grace sat him down gave him a mug of steaming tea and gave him words of soothing encouragement.

Remus decided to walk to school. He messaged Sirius on the new phone Grace had gifted to him, to meet him on the corner before the main road the school was on. Sirius obliged willingly. Waiting ten minutes early with an amused James making his own way to school. Remus walked up to Sirius with his hands ringing together and his breath hitching. 

"Heya! How're you doing?" Sirius asked taking Remus's left hand in his right, entwining their fingers as they walked a slow paced along the path, both being fairly early enough to dawdle. 

"M'fine." Remus said quietly, his eyes falling to watch his feet pad on the oh so fascinating concrete. 

"Hey, I know you are worried but everyone's gonna love you, I know I do. And if they say anything I'm gonna show who's boss and knock their teeth out!" Sirius grinned and bumped sides with Remus.

"Ok. Don't get in trouble."

"Oh I won't. I'd never leave you. Don't you worry Remy."

"R-remy?"

"You like it? If not I'll stop but I like it."

"Ok."

The school looked over the two boys who still hand in hands. The gates opened with the chain locks hanging losing of the slide shutter, a teacher standing and watching, praising good mornings at the early students who gather in groups across the courtyards. Friends meeting friends who haven't seen since Friday a mere two days prior. The trees and bushes surrounding the group's and buildings, waving in the wind, holding on the leaves left to cling with all they could. Remus held the hand clutched to his tighter, squeezing until a squeeze came back.

"Got English first. Minnie can be strict but she's lovely really." Sirius says, leading Remus to meet the rest of his friends who have gathered up by the stairs, well except Marlene she's always running late. Remus let Sirius take him, glad of the warm comfort of his firm grip. Not enough to hurt but enough to feel loved.

"Hey, you good?" Lily asked, in return the boys have nods and listened in on the gossip Peter was telling them. Something about someone getting knocked up by a Callum Jones. Sirius doubted that anyone would let snob near them let alone close enough to get down to business but was keen to hear the story. Nothing really exciting happened unless you count the petty fights the girls get into or the fact the boys getting rilled up over the weekends football matches. 

An excuse for a bell rang, lagging a bit and signalled period 1. Right around now, Remus would be getting his work delivered to him. He'd be up in a quiet room with Regulus for company, instead he would be actually learning in an actual classroom with other kids who are loud and rowdy. It's not like he's not excited, he can't wait to be normal but his nerves always get the better of him since it happened. Remus didn't exactly know how'd he cope, this is one way to find out.

Once again he let Sirius lead the way, up a flight of stairs and a couple of right turns and long stretches of corridor they made it to the English classroom. It was just him, Sirius and Lily in this one. The others with different teachers, obviously they had gotten good at separating the trouble makers of the year. Sirius had ranted on about how unfair it was.

The classroom was tidy and very well organised, with the rows of tables neat and in line, the shelves and cupboards that lined the walls were in tip top condition and had barely a scratch on them. Then stood a rather tall women, grey hair tied back in a bun and eyes shooting terrifying glances at students who were chatting rather loudly. She wore a green dress that shimmers in the light and Remus could see a hat perched on the end of a cabinet that looked like the ones you have to go it weddings.

"That's Mrs McGonagall. Brilliant teacher. Though can be so strict it's like she's biting your ears off. Sirius usually gets the worse of it, calling her Minnie and all." Lily introduced while getting into her seat, Remus sat next to her and Sirius on the other side of him.

"She loves me really!" Sirius grinned and waved a hand at McGonagall who shook her head but smiled none the less.

McGonagall hushed the class and yelled at a few boys in the back who thought it would be a good idea to yell out the window. 

The lesson was decent enough; analysing the techniques of quotes and how they benefit the reader, why the writer used those words and what not. A pretty easy going lesson. Remus could just sit and listen, write notes to Lily and whisper to Sirius, making sure to do two paragraphs before packing up and moving onto the next class. Remus was glad that he was picked on to read aloud the paragraphs or any questions that might have been thrown in but he was sure they others were talking about him. Saying things behind his back. He was sure there was already a rumour flying around. 

The next lesson was simple enough. He sat at the back of a history lesson that droned on for definitely longer than an hour. Remus still sat next to Sirius but with the added Marlene and Dorcus a row in front who passed more notes between them. 

With that lesson finally drawing to a close, Remus got his first glimpse of the whispers about him.

"...new boy... kidnapped... scares everywhere... parents murdered...whys he with a Black?" 

Remus tensed and kept his head down. Sirius could feel it ushered Remus along to the canteen before turning around and sticking two fingers up at the huddle of nosey students behind him. 

"Don't listen to them. Bloody nosey pricks. Come on we gonna get some snacks, meet the others."

The canteen was in a large white hall but with arches made out of old stone holding high. Windows flooded the room with natural light and hundreds of students huddled together on benches eating food and gossiping. Laughter and loud shrieks were heard every now and then making others around then wince somehow escaping ear damage. Sirius lead Remus to a table in the far corner, away from where the lunch was being served and the giddy year 7s with to large bags and homework covering the bread crumb plastered table. 

"Heya guys." Sirius greeted the others. James, Lily, Marlene, Dorcus, Alice and Frank all sat around the table. Peter was paying for his food and the rest talked in hushed voices careful not to spill any secrets to suspecting people that sat close to them. 

Lunch was a peaceful one. Remus making do chicken sandwich prepared for him by Grace. He liked how Sirius was sitting close enough to seem acceptable to those around but enough to feel his thigh up against his and his warmth. It was comforting. It was all well and good until a rather frantic Regulus came running up to them, tripping over bags, with a red face and our of breath.

"Sirius!" He puffed out.

"Reg? You ok?" 

"Yeah, no, i-idont know. Just, mother's here a-and dad. N-eed to come with, with me."

"What? How? What you on about?"

"J-just hurry up!"

Regulus's entry had surprised everyone. Sirius mumbled a shaken goodbye and walked away with his brother without a second glance. 

Remus didn't know what could have gone on with the Black family. He hasn't heard much about them but enough to know you wouldn't want to get on the bad side of them. 

"They'll be alright James. They won't hurt him now." Lily said, Remus could tell she was scared, he could sense that that had shunted everyone to nerves. They all obviously know how bad the Black family can be. 

The rest of lunch was eaten in a silence with a small whisper every know and then. The bell rang and the while hall got up in a load chatter, ready for the next lesson. Remus didn't know what he has, he'd been following Sirius up until know. Better yet, he still hasn't memorised whereabouts the classes will be. 

"Remus, you have chemistry next. Sirius has that without any of us but James is next door. He'll take you." Lily spoke to him similar to the one Euphemia talks to James or Sirius, a matter of fact and motherly none the less.

"Yeah, come old sluggy doesn't like it when his students are late." James said, smiling. He changed his deminor quite quickly, ready to help someone in need.

Remus walked side by side to James. It was a quiet walk but neither minded. More corners to turn and more doors to swing open and more steps to climb both were standing outside the science classrooms. 

"You're in the end one, Im just next door so if you need me you know where I am. Have fun." James said smiling again and walked into his own room. 

Remus looked around before entering his. The blinds were closed and the lights were off except from the computer illuminating the front desk. The rows were already filled with other kids with books and pens out, a bored see of faces. A fairly fat man stood at the front, a waistcoat and pocket watch, a shirt with its sleeves rolled up to his elbows and corduroy trousers that missed his ankles. He had a happy smile and a moustache. He looked like a rather decent teacher. Remus wasn't sure why there were so many glum faces around. 

"Ah you must be Remus my old boy, Mr Slughorn here. There's an empty seat at the back next to Severus. Off you go now." Slughorn said pointing in the direction of a miserable bugger with a hooked nose too big for his face and greasy hair that rounded everything off with a horrible look etched onto it. 

Remus remember Sirius and James nattering on about how awful he is, now Remus gets first hand on how truly awful he is and just by the distinct dissatisfaction coming off of him he could tell they were most probably telling the truth.

Severus grunted and stared at Remus as he sat down. 

"Lupin. Huh, didn't think they'd ever find you. Unlucky about that faggot finding you though." Severus sneered. 

Remus was taken back. What on earth is he talking about? Unlucky?

"Ah you don't know do you. Your little slut of a friend is the faggot of the school. Going around and sleeping with all the girls then turns out he's a shirt lifter and starts going at it with the boys. Disgusting freak." He whispered coldly, leaning in towards Remus, a stench of over used deodrent reaking off of him.

Remus couldn't concentrate on what Slughorn was showing them, something about acid and alkaline reactions, he didn't know. Too focused on the words floating around and repeating on loop. He didn't believe one word, Sirius had warned him about Snape. Nasty filthy scumbag he called him. And Remus definitely didn't consider Sirius to be a slut he's only just turned 15 and he didn't know of anyone younger who willing had sex with someone. It was awful to think about, who would want someone touching them like that. Especially when you've only just started to mature. Nope, definitely didn't believe a word of what the slime ball was telling him.

But he kept at it, the words and snarky comments about his new friends. He felt like throwing up it was that revolting.

"And let's not forget Lily. Poor little Lily with a sister that hates her, don't blame Petunia, she's right to hate that slag. You know I used to be best friends with her, yeah, we grew up on the same road that was until she moved away, bigger house she said. But I know why. It's because of what she did to me, to ashamed to admit she was wrong. Played victim and made her oh so loving parents move away. And then of course throwing herself at none other than James fucking Potter. She used to hate him but oh look they are going out. Like the the little slut she is, can't keep her hands of anyone. Surprised she hasn't tried it on you yet."

"Oh yeah, you've already had that happen to you." Severus chuckled and turned to face the experiment playing out on the front desk like nothing happened. 

Remus couldn't take this anymore. He quietly packed up his things and got up to leave, a sympathetic nod from Slughorn telling him it was ok before shutting the door behind him. Rubbing the tears in his eyes away and using a grounding technique to came down. How he hated Snape's gut, Lily is not like that. None of his friends are what he says they are. Probably miss understandings on his behalf and a bunch of lies. 

The rest of the day was much better, James had seen him walk across the corridor and went out to see him. Apparently, Sirius and Regulus went home. Now more nervous then ever, no one knew why or what was going on with them so all were on edge. Luckily Lily and Peter were in most of Sirius's class that day so he had them to keep safe with even if he didn't talk to them.

At home he told Grace what happened missing out what Snape had said to him, he didn't want to get him in trouble who knows what type of rumours he'll spread around about him. 

That night was spent drawing, reading and watching a movie or two with Grace. Remus has never felt this calm, it was a relief. He couldn't wait for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I'm sorry this has taken so long. I haven't been very well and my mental health has taken a toll to the worse. As well as that my writers block has been terrible. I'll try and get this finished for just after the new year. I hope you all are doing well, comments and kudos are appreciated!! Thank you for reading xx


	25. authors note

Hey everyone who has been reading this monstrosity. I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I promise you after Christmas the story will continue on its way. I do hope you are enjoying it. Please remember to comment, it boost my mood and makes me want to write more but it's ok if you don't want to. I want to say a huge thank you to those who have been giving me kudos and have been commenting. 

I wish you a very merry Christmas or a happy holidays if you don't celebrate it. Hope you have a nice day tomorrow even with the pandemic, remember to stay save.

I'm having a great time writing and I've got this series going if you haven't already seen called 'marauders one shots and drabblea' I would love it if you checked that out too. 

Once again thank you,

Willow Roman at your service 


	26. Chapter 25 - please no drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hope you all had a good new year. Finally got a new chapter updated and I'm gonna be making sure I do end up updating more regularly. Thanks again for all your support with kudos and comments. Enjoy reading x

Tuesday came and went, Sirius and Regulus not at school and Remus spent it tucked away in his little corner of Edison, he couldn't bare going to classes without Sirius. James had kindly brought him a snack at break and his food for lunch, sitting with him and letting him talk endlessly about football and of course Lily. Remus was glad that they strayed from the topic of Sirius and Regulus but he could sense that James wanted to talk about it. 

Remus woke up on Wednesday morning two hours before his alarm should have gone off. He knew he wasn't the deepest of sleepers but with his medication he usually can stay in the land of dreams with no distractions. That was until he checked his phone, a new message. 

_Sirius: hey rem, sorry if i woke you and that i wasn't at school yesterday. but somehow dad managed to mother convicted or something like that for child abuse and what not. i can no go back to my old house without that bitch! just me, reg and my dad. so that's what happened, bit messy and had to go to court and everything! it was crazy. i'm gonna come by yours at 8, that ok? we can walk to school together. love you x_

Remus rubbed his eyes, he could feel the sleep in his eyes. He reread the message a couple more times before it dawned on him. Sirius was going home.

The doorbell rang through the house at exactly 8 o'clock. Grace went to answer it and there stood Sirius grinning from ear to ear. HIs eyes bright with life and a red tint to his cheeks, it was frosty and he rocked a leather jacket and a black beanie. 

"Good morning dear! Remus is just in the living room, come in" Grace gave Sirius a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

"Morning!" Sirius joyed through the house, he couldn't believe his luck that the old hag was no longer in his life. He made it very clear with his upbeat demeanor.

Remus turned to see Sirius bounding in, he finished up tieing up his laces, grabbed his jacket and walked out with Sirius, he looked like an excited puppy that just got a new toy.

"Ughhh yesterday was so hectic! But so releaving at the same time. How was school yesterday?" Sirius asked swinging Remus's hand as he practically skips down the road.

"Stayed in Edison." Remus whispered, he couldn't keep the smile of his face and wondered if this is like the new Sirius now.

"Oh, sorry I couldn't be with you. How was Monday after I left? James said something happened but didn't go into details."

Remus's eyes widened. He didn't really want Sirius to know what Severus had said. He's in such a good mood and already hates the slimy bastard as it is. But Sirius looked concerned. His frantic joy died down and the swinging arms parade stopped as he slowed down his walk.

"Just Severus."

"Ew, hate that dickhead. Honestly he doesn't even shower and thinks he has the right to insult others. I'll sort him out for you. No need to worry." Sirius said with a smirk lingering on his face. Remus could tell he was planning something, he didn't like the thought of giving Severus payback, it's just playing his game. If James and Sirius didn't retaliate then there is an even bigger chance that Severus would get bored and stop bothering them. But knowing those two boys there was very little to stop them when a deviant plan was up and running.

"It's fine. Nothing bad really."

"But he made you leave the classroom! Anyways he needs a good beating to, long since we last spoke to him."

"Siri, it's fine. Just leave it." 

Sirius tuned to face Remus, stopping them in their tracks. They weren't far from the school now and Remus could see Lily and Dorcus standing by the gates.

"Ok, I'll leave him be. But if he does anything or tries any of his nasty schemes then he is done for, alright?"

"Y-yeah, sure."

The two walked in and greeted the others before the bell had rang out and they all went their sepreate ways to their first lesson. Remus followed Sirius who now had let go of his hand and Peter who he shared the class with as well. He liked Peter, he's great at cracking jokes and his cookies he's recently baked are to die for, he's not that smart, slow at times but he's decent enough. From what he's heard, Peter was one of seven children and met Sirius and James in the local primary. 

The first lesson was physics with another old man but was just as lively and jumpy as Sirius was that morning. Mr Baxton had a different seating plan from Slughorns so Remus was lucky to have Severus on the front row while he and Sirius were three rows back, Peter sitting in the back. To lesson that changed into maths, Remus liked this teacher. A young women who had long hair tied beautiful in a plait and a very excentirc style for dresses. She was easy to listen to with and intriguing voice, unlike Mr Binns there History teacher who they sadly had after break. All he droned on in a monotone voice and quite frankly looked half dead. 

After one more lesson which involved a rather out of tune guitar and broken keyboard. He and Sirius had been a duo of racket and chaos which Sirius had said is now his future bad name. He wasn't half bad on the keyboard but Sirius really did rock the guitar even if it didn't sound right. It was perfect to Remus's ears.

It was now time for PE.

Now it wasn't the worse thing in the world as Remus knows but the shear thought of the other boys watching him was terrifying enough to make him queasy. He had scars that had long since healed stretched over his body, white silvery lines, some jagged some clean cut. And this wasn't to say he wasn't not physically inclined, it had been so long since he's done anything like this that he's even more weak and scrawny then he once was. Remus has the fear that everyone's eyes were on him, going to judge him and make fun of how he is, punish him in some way because he isn't doing things right. So with that PE is another horrible thing Remus Lupin has to overcome.

Him and Sirius walked quickly to the changing rooms, hoping to bag the corner where it was hidden and harder to catch any glimpse of someone changing. Unfortunately, another student had claimed it as there own by the time the two had arrived. So they had to opt for the slightly discrete benches. 

"So we are still doing rugby, you got the right kit?" Sirius asked. 

More students had started to come in, all going to their respective places and being rather loud.

"Uh yeah." Remus whispered, turning around and unbuttoning his shirt, tie and jumper already off. 

He could tell a few of the boys looked and stared, he could hear their whispers. Sirius nudged him and gave a soft smile. 

"Right you lot hurry up, not got long left of this lesson and I know how you all like it!" The teachers voice boomed through the door, it was only open a pinch but it was like they were right in there with them. 

There was more of a bustles and panic as the rest of them quickly got the rest of their equipment on. Then a stampeed of eager boys ran through the doors and out on the muddy rugby pitch. Sirius stayed behind and walked with Remus no matter how excited he was to play. 

"Right you lot, we will just start with a run around the pitch once then we'll do some passing drills to get warmed up. Off you go!" Mrs Hooch shouted at the lot and off they all went. Remus still behind but no one seemed to mind. 

Not even Severus, surpirsingly.

They all got into pairs and started of with the simple passing game. Remus and Sirius obviously together.

It was all going well, Sirius showing and teaching Remus exactly the right technique to throw the ball. It was trickier than first thought but he got it in the end. Smiling broudly and Sirius cheering. It was a perfect moment before some ruddy idiot decided to ruin it with two comments and one perfect shot.

"Oi faggots! Catch this, or you shirt lifters to preoccupied with staring at the rest of us?" Snape shouted, managing without fail to throw the ball and hit Remus in the back of the head.

Remus muttered is, rubbing the back of his head and turning round to stare at Snape. He hated him. Now more then ever. He was just gonna leave it, forget about it and watch Snape get annoyed with the lack of response but obviously Sirius had a different plan, one that ended in more anger and frustration than the laughter and fun he wanted Remus to have.

"Oh you bloody moron. Don't you dare hurt Remus! I'm coming for you Snivelous!" Sirius shouted as he ran full pelt towards the unsuspecting Snape who had his back turned having a jolly old time with his bastard mates.

As quick as he congered up the plan of revenge, Snape was head first in the mud with Sirius on top of him, punching and screaming as much as he could muster.

"SIRIUS BLACK YOU GET OF SEVERUS IMMEDIATELY!" Mrs Hooch shouted at the top of her lungs. Her face fuelled with disappointment and immense anger.

Sirius did exactly what she said and left Snape on the floor with mud covering his face and lower body.

"What on earth do you think you were doing? Thinking tackling a student without their knowledge, or my saying. You know what this means Black, this is no longer your final warning. Go and get change at once, I expect you to find Mrs McGonagall and tell her what you did. I'll be checking up on it, so no lies Mr." Mrs Hooch sternly said, eyes glaring and fearce, no realitaion could happen under her watch.

"Now, Mr Snape get up yourself you can go clean up in the bathrooms. Don't interfere with Black getting changed. And if you need to go to medical. I will be seeing you after school, I expect you to be outside my office as soon as you can." She carried on, Severus nodded and went of himself. 

"Lupin you ok? You can sit out and watch instead." Her voice was calmer now, more caring like a mother. And Remus did just that. Sitting down and watching the boys play a game of rugby, letting his anger and frustration fizzing away. He didn't understand why Sirius couldn't have just left it.

* * *

Sirius and James stood outside the gates.

"You've fucked up big time now. Isolation for two weeks." James commented.

"Yes, yes I know." Sirius huffed. He'd had a great telling off about how it was irresponsible and wrong. How he didn't to change his ways before the end of school otherwise he'll end up in prison, according to Dumbledore he was a bright student who needed to focus his knowledge on other things.

"There he is. Right I'll be off. Good luck mate." James said patting Sirius in the back.

"What? You can just leave me on my own!" Sirius groaned. 

Remus didn't remember why he was so mad. It had been bubbling slowly since he saw Sirius saunter away from the pitch. Getting changed was a nightmare in its own. People shouting things at him. Pushing him around. He'd just walked out and to the toilets to get changed but he could still hear them. It was like they weren't even trying to be quiet, purposely making him feel like shit. Sirius wasn't there to help him, he made it worse much worse. Snape might even do something now for revenge. And it's all Sirius's fault.

"Heyyy Rem. You good?" Sirius asked nervously.

Remus clenched his fist, breathing in and out. He did know why he was so angry. It terrified him that he didn't know the reason. The exact reason for that. Watching Severus be face planted in the mud was funny. But Sirius didn't need to do that. And the comments in the changing room hurt him more and Sirius wasn't there to help. Ugh it was frustrating. He couldn't be angry he should be thankful.

Remus just nodded and stood still, staring at the ground away from Sirius.

"Look um I'm sorry for what happened. I got two weeks isolation so um I-" Sirius stopped. He didn't know what to say. Well he thought Remus would have laughed at what he did. Enjoyed his little show but it looked like he didn't. 

"It was funny. Look sorry if it upset you but I can't just let him be a dick. And you know I would have done it sooner or later no matter if he did what he did to you. And the look on his face was on point. Well you couldn't even see his face with all the mud but-" Sirius rambled on chuckling to himself.

"No it wasn't." Remus whispered.

"What?"

"You didn't have to do that! You were just going down to his level of dickheadness. I'm I'm going home. See you Sirius." Remus walked away. Breathing heavily like he'd just ran a marathon. Tears sprung in his eyes but he forced then away. He couldn't be a baby and cry. 

He left Sirius standing there. He didn't look back. He didn't even think about him. Walking off and hoping that he'd just be at his house now. Couldn't stand the feeling of eyes burning in the back of his head.

Remus didn't want to be angry but he couldn't help the range and hurt that was going around. So he just left it. He was going to be fine in the morning. Everything will be settled tomorrow.


	27. Chapter 26 - first date

Sirius didn't know exactly why what he did was wrong. For one Snape deserved it. But it upset Remus so he was going to make it better. So so much better. Better then it was before.

He didn't see Remus that morning. Grace said he had left early. And he didn't see him all day. Even when he went to Edison, Regulus said he was somewhere else.

So he waited outside the gates once the end of school bell rung. He waited and waited. And waited some more until he saw Remus head down, eyes cast away walking from the main reception doors. He was nearing the gates and Sirius couldn't fight back a smile. 

"Hey! Remus." Sirius called. Remus's head whipped up and he looked panicked, hands ringing in and out of eachother and he set to a quickened pace to meet Sirius.

"Sirius. I'm so sorry. I have been in meetings all day, assessing me and everything. I'm sorry I should have said. I shouldn't have run off like that yesterday, I don't even understand why I was so angry. I'm sorry." Remus rambled on.

"No, you shouldn't be sorry. I should be sorry. Now come with me I want to show you something." Sirius took Remus's hand and intwined their fingers together.

"Oh okay. Where we going?" Remus asked. Confused but also coming to like the feeling of mysterious to the plan in Sirius's head.

"It's a surprise." And Sirius left it at that.

They walked in a comfortable silence. Sirius with a glee of giving and Remus with the exciting unknowing of what he'll get. Definitely a surprise with waiting for. But there was still that annoying nagging voice in the back of his head. Telling him that it's all a lie, a trick. He knew Sirius wasn't like that, he knew he was safe. But still, he couldn't be 100% sure. Something could still go wrong. Someone could be hurt. 

Sirius could tell Remus was in thought, deep in thought. His eyes were staring off, glazed over. Walking in a steady beat, he didn't even know where he was going yet he followed the paths to the right spot. 

"Rem?" He asked. 

"Mmm." Remus murmured, slowly taking his eyes away from the nothingness.

"What you thinking about?"

"Oh um noth-nothing."

"You ok?"

"Yeah. Um how long till we whenever we're going?"

"Just another street over."

The building itself was hidden, a secret behind the old walls of the forgotten town. Beautiful archways and grand trees reaching high into the sky. A sign swinging in a early winter breeze. The words 'The Three Broomsticks" painted on with black and gold cracking paint. Cobblestone path winding through a maze of blue, red, purple flowers. It was like a fantasy. Fairytale world. Where the story's come alive. It was nothing like Remus expected. 

"A few years back a women, Madame Rosmerta she likes to be called, came and bought this place. Did it up, made an inn and pub. Like it?" Sirius explained, opening the the heavy wooden door. 

And immediately Remus got warmth thrown at him, smoke filled the air and a crowd of beer drinking men lingered at the bar. 

"Hullo Sirius! Table at the back for you." Rosmerta called out from behind the bar.

Sirius nodded and lead Remus through the mismatched tables and chairs to the booths at the back by where the stairs venture up to the rooms. 

"Your seat sir." Sirius smiled and bowed to the red cushioned side.

"Why thank you." Remus grinned and took his seat kindly, watching as Sirius sat opposite him. "You know we are still in school uniform?"

"Yeah. I am aware of how I'm clothed." Sirius smirked.

"No I mean. Couldn't we have got changed first?" Remus asked, trying to hide a smile.

"Well we could have. But I couldn't wait any longer. I really am sorry Remus." Sirius said solemnly, pure regret beneath his apology. 

"It's. It's fine. I just. I've been thinking about it. And I was just scared. I. I don't know Sirius, I can't explain it." Remus turned into a whisper, head lowering and a threatening spill of tears. He didn't know exactly why he was getting so worked up over nothing. It really was nothing. It was nothing.

"Hey, bud. It's okay. You don't have to explain anything." Sirius quickly scooted next to Remus, arm wrapped around him and bringing him into a hug. Patting his hair and shushing him quietly.

"On the house for you my loves." Rosmerta had come over with 2 rum and cokes and 2 ciders, winking she left and also placed the menus. 

"Have you ever had a rum and coke?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and wiped the tears that had managed to fall away as he sat back up straight, oh how he missed the safety of Sirius's arms.

"Well then something to try." Sirius handed Remus a glass and watched as he inspected the drink.

He took a sip. It tasted sweet and he could taste the alcohol burning down his throat. It was like adding sugar to a packet of haribos. Sweet on sweet. Though it wasn't unpleasant, something he wouldn't have chosen for the first alcoholic drink but something he could finish. 

"You like?" Sirius questioned.

"Mmm, alright. Sweet but bitter. Weird." Remus answered.

"I can get you something else if you want." Remus shook his head and carried on drinking.

"What you getting?" Remus gestured to the menus.

"Mmm probably go for the BBQ ribs or maybe the Chicken wings, they ate to die for. What do you fancy?" Sirius's mouth immediately started to water at the thought of his favourite food from his favourite pub. 

"The mega burger." Remus said.

"Ooo that is good too." Sirius said.

It was strange to the pair. It was their first date and well it didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary. They sat and giggled, making up stories of the biker men wrapped in leather jackets that had just walked in, holding hands underneath the table and catching the eyes of the college students seated out of ear shot. It was easy. Nothing felt awkward and nothing felt wrong.

Remus had his doubts about whether they would have sat in silence or would have been talking till their Jawad ached. And till their jaws ached was true, he was happy that nothing had shunted from the two of them, that they were the same old pair. It was just pure bliss that Remus would surely look back in fondly.

Sirius couldn't believe his luck. Everything was going perfectly. Everything was right between them. It wasn't like what happened was a major problem, it wasn't like how his parents argued, it wasn't like how James and Lily bickered. It was something else. A loss of trust, a so very important trust that Remus needed to feel safe. And Sirius knew that, how damaged and fragile that trust had become. Fixing it this time was easy enough but what about next time. If there was ever a next time (Sirius would make sure there wasn't ever one). He couldn't hurt Remus like that. Sirius didn't think he could handle that hurt again. Breaking the poor boy down into nothing wasn't something he was going to do. He need protecting and that's exactly what Sirius was going to do from this day onward.

Their food came quickly. A burger as high as a bloody mountain as Remus had put it and a rack of ribs sticky with the sweet smelling BBQ sauce. 

"You boys enjoy yourselves now, save room for pudding." Rosmerta had come to deliver the plates especially, leaving with another wink.

"This is too good to be real." Remus sighed into the next bite. He hasn't had a burger like this in ages, reminiscing the times where he and his mum and dad would go down to the next town over, eating the most glorious meals they could afford in the old tavern. It was built facing the lake and the valley walls. It was wearing thin but it was a cozy little place, built for comfort. 

"Definitely." Sirius replied. He was giddy with happiness, getting high on it. This moment could last forever. 

The two then feasted on a chocolate sundae to finish. Remus devoured his in a matter of minutes, leaving Sirius's mouth gapping open and then putting Remus in fits of laughter, doubling over and another happier seats of tears falling down.

"Goodness Rem. I. Wow. Didn't see that coming. Didn't even see it go." Sirius exasperated aiding to Remus's laughing spree.

Sirius payed and they walked hand in hand with the biggest smiled they could muster out off the pub.

Now Remus wasn't one for expectations but having another apology like this wasn't all too bad. It was a bonus that it was their first date. Their perfect first date.

Nothing could ruin it now.


	28. Chapter 27 - snowy mountains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: small panic attack and memories of death and kidnapping
> 
> Also Ive never been skiing so idk how it all works, I'm just using what knowledge I have from watching films and reading.

A month had rolled by with an easy breeze of more dates, secret kisses in the shadows and a cuddling up in front of the fire, away from the cold storms outside.

Remus still quite believe it. Starting a new year. Alive. But without his parents. It hurt. His eyes stung from the crying and his arms bleed from the amount of scratching he was doing. He tried to not think about it. Forgetting their faces that day. But no matter how hard he tried it was always there in the back of his head. Clear as day. Like it was yesterday. He visited the grave they were placed in and went to the tribute art galleries. He wrote them letters and bought them the Christmas presents he would have gotten them.

He had a new home. New friends. A new life. But without them it seemed like the puzzle was never going to be finished. Never going to look right. Always off center. It was a complete mystery as how he's survived this long. When Greyback had initially taken him, he'd wished for nothing more than to be killed. It would have been less painful than the torture he was out through.

Poppy was glad that he was talking more now. Glad that she has helped him. And Remus was forever thankful that she didn't stop trying. 

And Sirius.

He was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was the happiness that brought laughter bubbling inside. He was the stone that held him down. Kept him safe and sound. He couldn't ask for more. He didn't deserve all the kindness that he was getting.

Him and Grace were now on their way to the Potters second home in the French Alps. They had gone a day later while the Potters plus Sirius and his brother and dad had gone to make sure everything was alright in the house.

"It's it beautiful Remus. But cold. Can't wait to be sat in front of the fire." Grace gasped as they got out the taxi.

The house was massive, more like a mansion and something Remus was accustomed to be staying in. But he hasn't been abroad in some time and the wave of excitement was just as he remembered it. Snow covered everything. The trees, the grass, the mountains that slopped down and away. Remus could feel the cold biting at his nose as he and Grace walked up the path. The taxi driver behind them bringing their bags no matter Grace denying help.

The double doors opened and Euphemia stepped out greeting the two and guiding the taxi driver to the rooms in which they'll be staying in. 

The hall was open, a grand staircase leading up to the landing, the living room reached back to the games room on the right side of the house and to the left was the library, dinning room and kitchen. It was all decorated to a standard that suggested that someone lived here full time. Remus was expecting the be living like this for the next 3 weeks and was taken back by the sheer size and room there was. They were in the middle of nowhere and yet it felt as if they were surrounded. Warm and comfort. 

It certainly was magnificent.

Grace had gone with Euphemia to the kitchen and that left Remus to explore the upstairs on his own in hopes to find the others. That plan seemed harder than originally thought out.

The first floor was a maze of closed doors opening up to hotel looking bedrooms and bathrooms. No one was occupying them and Remus felt rather deflated at the lack of the known whereabouts of Sirius.

But he view out the hall window was marvelous. He stared mesmerized by the beauty of the nature. Birds were flying high above the tree tops and he could have sworn he saw a red fox. He sat himself on the windowsill and imagined what it would be like to ski all the way down. Something he's never done before but he feels it would be amazing. The wind in his hair and the snow flicking around him. He couldn't wait.

"Remus!" 

Remus whipped his head around and saw Sirius running towards him. His black hair tied in a messy bun and he was wearing skinny jeans and a large ACDC top.

"Hi." Remus said into Sirius's shoulder as he nearly suffocated under a hug.

"Come, we are upstairs." Sirius took Remus's hand in his and lead him around the corner and up a narrow set of stairs.

He could hear James talking and laughing from Regulus. And when they reached the second landing the third floor opens up wide; it was like a den but bigger. Bean bags and old couches were around the room and a fridge in the corner. Another door was on the other side and Sirius explained that's were the other bedrooms are.

"Hey Remus! Finally joined the fun." James smiled and beckoned the pair over.

He and Regulus were layed carelessly on blue beanbags, bowls of sweets in front and game controllers in hand. Both of them looked like they hadn't slept for days. Eyes tired and hair a mess. But they did look like they have been enjoying themselves.

"They've both been up for ages. Was star gazing all night. Bloody amazing got to say." Sirius said

"Used to do that back home. The moon was always the prettiest." Remus awed looking behind him back out through the window. 

The sun blazing high in the sky, shimmering the snow and ice that hung sharp and ridged from the tree branches. He could make out the town that lives down the mountains. He saw the alluring designs on the ancient buildings. Shaped and carved into old tales of great warriors and hero's, the gods that hold the almighty. The design's of what's to come, prophecies that have died unanswered and lost in mysterious history myths and legends. 

"Full moon tomorrow." Sirius came to stand next to him. Resting his head on Remus's shoulder.

"Mmm" Remus mumbled.

They were isolated. Away from the prying eyes of ignorant men. Safe behind the lock doors of this epic house. Protected by the magic that twisted its way around, leaving specks of gold dust. Enchanting its way through the small and large, the hidden and the open, bringing alive what truly out there. 

"Oh lover boys! Come play Mario kart!" James shouted grinning after Sirius stuck two fingers at him.

The evening past by with Regulus smashing the older boys at the game, Euphemia coming up with sandwiches and more snacks, Fleamont then trying to get the right ski equipment with the grumbling help from James and Sirius and the laughing smiles from Regulus and Remus.

That night with everyone tucked in their respective beds and the low snores from one knocked out James Potter. 

It was everyone apart from Remus. 

It was the new sensations around him, overwhelming him with the sense of dread. The bed was a different kind of soft. Not the soft, homely he has living with Grace, it's like the sink deep with suffocation soft that comes with a hefty price. It's an unconditional softness that leaves Remus wide eyes staring at the white ceiling. The curtains weren't closed all the way leaving entry to the moonlight that filtered through. A dressing gown hanging on the door caught this light and reshaped and molded something that's meant to be peaceful into a creature of nightmares. Fairytales that end in gruesome words, cold blooded killings unknown to the happy children that stare at pictures.

A sharp wind whipped and pulled outside, whistling and howling in the distance. Slowly bounding for the house with full force. Enough to sway and topple. The image of a dilapidated ruins flashed in Remus's mind as another crack of the wind startled him. Jumping up into a sitting position, heavily breathing and clutching onto the duvet for dear life.

Closing his eyes and wishing it all away brought another terror. 

_It was him. The giant of a man knocking widely at their holiday cottage door. It was windy too. A slight whistle behind the three men who stood tall outside. They didn't wait for anyone to answer before breaking the wooden door down and smashing their way through the kitchen. Lyall and Hope; too frightened and shocked to move, no longer had the choice to do so. With blood splattered on the walls and floor the men stomped their feet in search for another. And they found him cowering behind the settee. Tears rolling down cheeks, arms wrapped tightly around a rocking body and a slightly mumble of 'everything is going to be okay'._

Remus snapped his eyes open. 

The memory was so much more vivid. More real. More haunting. The laughter, the screams, the footsteps. Everything was getting louder. Everything was getting faster. Everything was collapsing in. It was a holiday and he shouldn't have to ruin it, he should've have to be responsible for ruining everyone's time. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop himself. He shook his head violently. Hands hitting either side. Just to get it all to stop.

And then a bang.

It all came to a stop when Remus looked up to the door. The same creature sneering was there but he couldn't focus on that. There was something downstairs. Or someone.

With rash thinking, he leapt up from his bed and stumbled his way down two flights of stairs. Head thumping and laughing in humiliation. 

Remus stood in the hallway. Dazed and confused. He didn't understand what was going on. One minute he was in his bed, the next he was downstairs spinning slowly around trying to make sense of it all.

"Rem?" Sirius said. His known voice ran circles around Remus's eyes. 

"Sirius? You there?" Remus asked. He couldn't see anything but he definitely heard him.

"Yeah. What you doing down here? You should be in bed." Sirius came out of the dark with a cloth wrapped hand and a drink in the other.

"What happened?" Remus whispered. Reaching out and gently letting his fingers run across the blood stained fabric.

"Oh um broke a glass. Come on, lets get you back to bed." Sirius said, hooking his arm around Remus, steering the lost boy back up the two flights of stairs. 

Once back up in his room. Sirius put down his glass of water and lead Remus to sit on his ruffled bed. Tucking him in and kneeling by the head of the bed. Stroking the hair out of tired eyes. 

"What were doing downstairs Rem?" Sirius hushed.

"Heard a bang. Thought someone came in." Remus whispered, eyes closed and leaning his head into he touch.

"Sorry about that. No one's come in. Just us. Do you want to cuddle?" Remus nodded and smiled.

He felt Sirius shuffle behind him, his warm body pressed against his. 

"Sleep tight Rem."

* * *

The sun woke everyone up and they all groggily ate breakfast apart from James who somehow had managed to wake up with a energy filled spring in his step.

Once they were all ready and set to go, they took a van up to where the ski resorts was. A 20 minute drive along a winding road with views of power a d elegance. The sharp drop down the ragged mountain sides with bleating goats. The still snow yet to be touched, a perfect blanket of a sound absorber, a peaceful bliss of calm. It's own therapy with free meditation just around the corner. 

The Potters and the Blacks both combined had years of expertise with skiing. And the lack of skill Remus and Grace had was frightening. Neither understood how hard it was to navigate down the smooth white while trying to dodge the other incompetent skiers who too, didn't know what to do.

After an hour or so with plenty of screams and failed attempts, Grace and Euphemia took leave to the café. Orion and Fleamont agreeing to let the boys take charge of their own wellbeing and going off on a hike through the forests.

At the bottom where all the slopes and trails ended up, the four of them sat on the icy benches. All covered in layers of fabric, goggle resting on foreheads and hands numb after taking off gloves; how else are they meant to go on their phones?

James was busy texting Lily who couldn't come on the trip this time as she was with her grandparents. And Regulus had taken out his rather expensive camera and taken snaps of the landscape that looked like it was from a fairytale, a mystical world where a child would escape to in dreams.

"How'd you like it?" Sirius asked, Remus had decided sitting up was too much efforts and plopped his head in Sirius's lap, his fingers running through curls flattened previously down by a wooly hat.

"So hard. And cold." Remus mumbled. He never thought about the cold and now he doesn't like it. He'd rather be sat in front of a fire, under a blankets with a hot chocolate in his hands.

"Well funny that innit. Of course it's gonna be cold. And anyways you are doing much better when I first tried. Pretty good if you ask me." Sirius nodded, fondly remembering the cuteness of Remus's clumsiness. The frequent wobbling and concentrated tongue sticking out.

"Oh gee thanks I'm barely better then a 6 year olds first time." Remus retorted.

Sirius grinned back and leant down to kiss his cold lips, cracked at the side but sweet and soft. Just the same as always. 

Nothing could be better then this, Remus thought. There were things that echoed in the back of his head, but he ignores the old and focused on the now. He didn't want to think about what happened. He didn't want to think about the summer chained away. He wanted to remember the happy moments he had with his parents. His mum's hugs and dad's laughter. What they did had not what they lost. What he does have not what he got ripped from his hands. He couldn't know for sure if he did love Sirius or it was just his response to the pain he suffered; liking the closeness the two had been given. But he was sure that nothing could ruin his life anymore than its already been.

Now, Remus Lupin was sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so bad at updating regularly but anyways hope you like this. Nearly coming to the end :)


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